HOW TO SAY ‘I LOVE YOU’
The speaker was good looking, if you’re into good looking. (Personally I’m into kind of fat, unattractive blokes as they not only tend to have more personality but they also make you feel slim.)
Armed with the bravado of youth, the speaker alleged that with scientific intervention humans may one day be immortal. His thoughts reminded me of a line by Susan Ertz: ”Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.”
Talk finished, I bumped into a normally frighteningly bubbly acquaintance in the foyer. Uncharacteristically flat and approachable she abruptly burst into tears. (Was it something about the way I said ‘hello?’)
“Mum passed away last week,” she said.
“Oh you must have found the speaker’s words very unsettling,” I sympathised.
“No, I’m actually upset at my own lack of words, because I never told Mum that I love her.”
“Oh my God,” I gasped judgementally, until I realised I’ve never told my mum either.
I think it’s a problem specifically between my generation and our parents. In contrast, my generation’s expression to our own children is so effusive it’s almost vomitous.
I pretty much tell my children I love them every time we speak, even when reprimanding my son for putting his rubber wetsuit in the clothes dryer. My children tell me every day too. During the six years of my daughter’s adolescence, when I’m pretty sure she was possessed by the devil, my daughter consistently said “I love you” though sometimes I suspected it’s because she wanted cash.
But women like me have never told our mums. Should we blame ourselves? I’ve often thought that you never really know someone until you divorce them. For this reason, in a perfect world, I think couples should get divorced before they marry. In the same vein I wonder if I wouldn’t have made a better, more expressive daughter if I could somehow have been a mother first.
But is the lack of emotional expression really my generation’s fault? Or is there no fault at all?
| Page 1 of 2 | next >> |
17 Responses to this article
-
Joni October 19, 2012
Wow, Gretel, I have had and still have the same experiences with my parents who were born in 1932. My father passed away this year and on his deathbed I actually said “I do love you Dad” repeatedly ( NOW OR NEVER!) and he just looked at me silently. He was able to speak but could not say “I love you” to us.
The A shaped hugs are sadly familiar. I am sending this article to my sister!
-
Sue October 19, 2012
How beautifully expressed. So glad to know it’s not just me.. Sure my generation has inherited our mothers’ reticence, but perhaps it is more sincere than this continual ‘ I love you’ one overhears in phone conversations.
If only there were a middle way.
I do get sick of all the phoney kisses and hugs from mere acquaintances. My real friends would be astonished if I suddenly greeted them with a kiss. -
Anne October 19, 2012
Love your article. So true in my family, too. I recently gleaned that my Mum cares when she told me that she had so much more time when she was my age to do what she liked; and she was sorry that I had so much to do to care for her and other elderly members of the family and go to work. That acknowledgement meant so much.
I don’t see fault anywhere. However, am so curious about your ability to say “I love you” to your children. I did not think of that myself and initiate what would have been a valuable change in the generational cycle. -
Anne October 19, 2012
Interested in your comment Sue. I love kissing and hugging friends and many acquaintances. Why I do that with acquaintances is that they are people I’ve enjoyed meeting and could easily be friends with if there were more time. But then, I live in a country town where people seem to be more friendly than in the city.
-
Linda October 19, 2012
All too true I am afraid. My mother passed away in 1998 after becoming progressively paralysed. I cannot recall her saying she loved me or my telling her, other than in cards or letters.
She was also not prepared to say that she was not feeling well or to admit she was terminally ill. She was always ‘fine’ even in the last few days, when she was in agony and dying. I think it is part of the general reticence and stiff upper lip stance of the generation who went through World War 11.
-
Keryn October 19, 2012
Linda, my mother died in 1997 and not until she was hospitalised in the last week of her life did I see her without make-up. She too, when asked about her health, would say ‘well thanks.’ She had breast cancer and was diagnosed in 1990, so that is many years to be ‘well’ when not really. In that final week I sat at her bedside and cried, she looked at me and told me to stop for I needed to be strong. Fast forward 13 years to 2010 as I find myself sitting beside my brothers bed in ICU as he lays dying of mesothelioma (asbestos cancer). I begin to cry and he opens up his eyes and whispers ‘sulk!’ No “I love you” allowed in this family, it is unspoken and remains so. Thankfully though my teenage daughter has not inherited this awkward streak and finishes every telephone conversation with “I love you.” To hear this is bliss!
-
-
Penny October 19, 2012
Great article. I too grew up without ever saying or hearing ‘I love you’, though I never doubted that I was loved – as you say, it was expressed through actions rather than words. I really had to LEARN to say it and it was a big deal saying it to my boyfriend (who became my husband). I’ve also really consciously practised saying it to my kids, usually in that quiet lull at bedtime – it’s so weird and funny how hard it can be! Getting easier now, and it’s so delightful to hear it back.
-
mj October 19, 2012
Love your articles Gretel. I always seem to relate in some way or another. My mum was the same, only we didn’t even get the A-shaped hugs, as if any touching was perilous! I understand that the generation she was from probably had a lot to do with, but I did seem to notice my peers receiving more affection than we got. This may be explained by the fact that mum was born in 1945, so it may have been during a time of change in this regard. Anyway, I have sometimes thought that I may have been able to express myself better in all my relationships had I that kind of foundation to begin with, and the course of love may have run smoother too, but who knows? Verbal constipation may just be in my family’s blueprint. So aside from alcohol, anyone know of a good verbal laxative?
-
Ros October 19, 2012
I might be wrong but I think this is very cultural.
I’m European and we always kissed, and I used to ask mum “how much she loved me” to get that extra cuddle at bedtime.Moving to Syd and marrying I discovered to my horror that my Australian in-laws never touched each other. My husband said goodbye to his dad with a hand shake knowing full well that his dad was dying and he wouldn’t be seeing him again. I stared in disbelief when this happened.
When he died, and we flew back to be with his mother, she started to cry and he told her not too. This time I interfered, told him he was wrong and to let her grieve and I took her aside, cuddled her and told her to let go. We had a good cry. On numerous occasions, I told them I loved them, I don’t think he ever did. Apparently it was obvious, he was their son. -
Jenny October 19, 2012
Yes, it’s a generational thing. I never said the words to any of my family of origin (I was born in 1940) and never had it said to me. When I grew up and fell in love, it was hugely difficult to say it, and even now it is easier for me to text or write it than to say it. But I do manage it now and then – lol! Mostly with my grandchildren.
-
Louisa October 20, 2012
When I had my first child and was overwhelmed with love for her I asked my mother if this was how she thought about me when I was born. She stiffened and said “Louisa, I was too busy to love any of you”. She grew up during the war and was forever castigating me for being too emotional. I tell my two and my little grandbaby that I love them all the time and why I do. I found the article and comments quite sad in a way and think of all the hours in therapy I could have avoided by just hearing those three words which equal “You are lovable”.
-
Samantha October 20, 2012
I grew up in a very loving environment always said I love you before leaving the house,going to bed,at the end of a conversation on the phone.My hubby took awhile to get use to my affection but now he to is the same.Having said that I’m not a fan of air kisses and fake hugs!!
-
Colin (Twitter: @CollyLong) October 21, 2012
I’m 39, the second son of three. I still kiss both my parents goodbye when leaving (I tend to see them at least weekly). Neither of my brothers openly express affection. I’ve always been the expressive son, and I’m happy to be so. It’s important to me to let my parents know I love them (and, I guess, to feel that love reciprocated).
-
NancyC October 21, 2012
My grandparents both told us they love us frequently and they told my Mum they loved her too. they lived a life based on teaching their numerous children to live life lovingly, kindly and respectfully. They demonstrated love, care and respect in such a way it is the greatest gift they left me now in my mid 20s as was growing up with the knowledge that my single Mum was loved and cherished.
They were born in the 1910s and obviously had lived through difficult times also but I really would have had no idea of any of this had I not read your article -
Louise Smithers October 23, 2012
Never too late! Just DO it! I know so many sad people who regeret never saying to many people ‘I love you.’ If said sincerely it is never uncomfortable.
-
Lucille October 24, 2012
I remember asking my Mum to tell me that she loved me. She couldn’t and said “you know I do”; I didn’t. I tell my dogs that I love them – true, and they know what I’m saying. Charlie laps it up, literally, but Emmy gets really embarrassed and walks away:-).
