HOOPLA HOROSCOPES. WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 20

Your weekly Hoopla Horoscopes, brought to you by prophet, astrologer and natural-born storyteller, Rob Brezny.

Week beginning September 20, 2012

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to the Asian spiritual traditions of Tantra and Taoism, it’s unhealthy for a man to have too many ejaculatory orgasms. Doing so depletes his vital energy, and can lead to depression and malaise. But medical researchers in the West have come to the exact opposite conclusion: The more climaxes men have, the better. According to them, frequent sex even promotes youthfulness and longevity. So who to believe? Here’s what I think: Every man should find out for himself by conducting his own experiments. As a general rule, I recommend the empirical approach for many other questions as well — and especially right now for Libran people of all genders. Rather than trusting anyone’s theories about anything, find out for yourself.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The 19th-century Norwegian playwright Henrik Ibsen was an iconoclast who relished exposing the hypocrisy and shallowness of conventional morality. While working on one of his plays, he kept a pet scorpion in an empty beer glass on his desk. “Now and again,” he testified, “when the creature was wilting, I would drop into the glass a piece of fruit, which it would seize upon in a frenzy and inject with its poison. It would then revive. Are not we poets like that?” Keep these details in mind during the coming weeks, Scorpio. You will probably have some venom that needs to be expelled. I hope you’ll do it like Ibsen writing his brilliantly scathing plays or the scorpion stinging some fruit.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “There is nothing more difficult for a truly creative painter than to paint a rose,” said French artist Henri Matisse, “because before he can do so he has first to forget all the roses that were ever painted.” I’d love to expand this principle so that it applies to everything you do in the coming week. Whatever adventures you seek, Sagittarius, prepare for them by forgetting all the adventures you have ever had. That way you will unleash the fullness of the fun and excitement you deserve.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Where do you belong? Not where you used to belong and not where you will belong in the future, but where do you belong right now? The answer to that question might have been murky lately, but the time is ripe to get clear. To identify your right and proper power spot, do these things: First, decide what experiences you will need in order to feel loved and nurtured between now and your birthday. Second, determine the two goals that are most important for you to accomplish between now and your birthday. And third, summon a specific vision of how you can best express your generosity between now and your birthday.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Are you excited about your new detachable set of invisible wings? They’re ready. To get the full benefit of the freedom they make available, study these tips: 1. Don’t attach them to your feet or butt; they belong on your shoulders. 2. To preserve their sheen and functionality, avoid rolling in the muddy gutter while you’re wearing them. 3. Don’t use them just to show off. 4. It’s OK to fly around for sheer joy, though. 5. Never take them off in mid-flight.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You know that leap of faith you’re considering? Now would be a good time to rehearse it, but not do it. How about that big experiment you’ve been mulling over? Imagine in detail what it would be like to go ahead, but don’t actually go ahead. Here’s my third question, Pisces: Have you been thinking of making a major commitment? My advice is similar to the first two issues: Research all of its ramifications. Think deeply about how it would change your life. Maybe even formulate a prenuptial agreement or the equivalent. But don’t make a dramatic dive into foreverness. Not yet, at least. This is your time to practice, play, and pretend.