HEY! WHERE DID THAT WOMAN GO?
I’ve always liked that line from Hamlet: ‘Oh that this too solid flesh would melt…’ endowed, all my life, with far too much solid flesh, it sounded like the perfect solution.
A melting-away, no calorie-counting, no punishing-exercise regime. Just a peaceable transformation to a sylph.
And then one day I realised it had happened, only not quite as I hoped.
No sylph (flesh solid as ever)…I had simply become invisible.
If you’re 50 plus you’ll know what I mean: you’re next in the queue but the shop assistant serves the person behind you; men and younger women almost knock you over, talk across you, ignore you in meetings.
Get it? I knew you would.
We live in a mediated world; the images and the messages we see around us in shops and malls, in women’s magazines, and on the television in our own homes, tell us who’s important, who belongs to the tribe.
It’s called “representational flattery”, this constant reflection of viewers, readers and consumers back to themselves.
But older women are readers, viewers and consumers too – except that we’re not there, not visible.
Occasionally you’ll catch a glimpse of an older woman, perhaps in an advertisement for some anti-ageing product, but she won’t be like you and me, she’ll be a photo-shopped woman or a computer generated one: smooth, shiny, airbrushed and wrinkle free.
You might see an older woman in a soap opera but she won’t be the central character; she’ll exist to create conflict for the really important characters – men, younger women and children. And she’ll be a stereotype: a nosey neighbour, a bossy aunt, an interfering mother-in-law, a castrating boss, or a lonely and bitter spinster seeking comfort in a cask of wine.
If you spot an older woman in a magazine she’ll be the grandmother of the bride or a scary example of the dangers of ignoring ‘the fight against ageing’.
From the visual displays in the mall, young women with perfect skin, bouncy, enhanced breasts, pouting lips, long straight hair and perfect teeth gaze down on us.
They have “the look” - innocent but “up for it”; sexy, superficial, digitally manipulated, devoid of depth, passive, malleable, unlikely to make trouble.
But the real women in the mall are a different species.
At least half of us are over 50, some a lot older.
We’re women with busy, rewarding lives, significant responsibilities, important dreams, chequered histories and major achievements.
Many of us are in full or part-time work, contemplating diminishing superannuation or the lack of it, or perhaps with more disposable income than we had in our youth.
Some are caring for partners or adult children with disabilities, helping with childcare, volunteering within their communities.
We are the women who deliver meals and library books, start orphanages in third world countries, run small businesses, sit on boards, conduct orchestras and choirs, raise money for charities, read and write books, go to art galleries and the footy, campaign for peace, for the ethical treatment of refugees, against domestic violence, and the destruction of the environment.
We blog and tweet, fall in and out of love, have great sex, surf, trek, and help to feed the starving and heal the sick in the most deprived regions of the world.
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63 Responses to this article
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Shazza March 16, 2012
Great piece. I ‘m 41, and have been pondering this phenomenon in recent days. I choose to select role models such as Germaine Greer, who will not go away quietly. I’ll ad you to that list of role models as of today too Liz. Thankyou.
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Jodes March 16, 2012
Yes, replace the word ‘old’ for ‘plus size’ and you have the same treatment – invisible and unwanted – by corporations, which then spills out into everyday life.
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Jacquiseabourne March 16, 2012
So true and a sad reflection of the society we live in
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Kim March 16, 2012
As “mature” women we have so much to contribute to society, and we do so, often quietly behind the scenes. Perhaps we are too stoic about “our lot” and need to raise our voices.
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Valerie Parv March 16, 2012
Good points, Liz. Don’t forget to add ‘women in funeral insurance plan commercials” among the visible. A reminder that it’s about time we popped off quietly? Oh…and don’t leave nuisance financial burdens for the next gen.
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Toni April 17, 2012
Those funeral plan ads drive me crazy, they show them during the day when they think old people are doing nothing more than watching the rubbish they show. I am 62, and can empathize with Liz .( love your books) I am recently retired, go to the gym 3 times a week, volunteer at an old people’s home, and have lots of hobbies, as well as children and grandchildren, my life is full. It is so true that advertisers forget all about us, though many of us have plenty of disposable income. Another moan, clothes, they are either way too old, too young, or way too expensive, that’s my moan for the day!
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Jessica March 16, 2012
Wow, it’s a sad state of affairs. I’m only 26 so can’t speak from experience. But we do own several businesses and we have nothing but love for the 50+ ladies. We love to employ them; they are always the hardest working, the most reliable, the most respectful, the cheeriest and the most trustworthy. Their opinions are always valued above all others when it comes to our business (and that’s learned from our experience) – we have nothing but respect for ”older” women and what they have achieved and can achieve.
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Jessica March 16, 2012
Oh and P.S, never even seen the word sylph before! It’s rare that I’m stumped like that, I love learning new words.
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sam March 16, 2012
I think this is the reason that many women of a certain age get their hair cut and coloured to resemble a cockatoo and start to wear loud and outrageous clothes in the hope that they may be noticed. All of which is fine. I actually don’t mind being slightly invisable. It means that I can go on quietly doing my job and looking after my kids. It has taken some of the pressure off somehow.
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marie March 16, 2012
I am 47 and recently had a conversation with a like aged girlfriend about becoming invisable, thanks for writing exactly what I have been feeling !
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Carmel March 16, 2012
I am about to turn 50 in eleven days, and it didn’t worry me at all – until NOW!!!
Maybe I’ll just go forward loudly, stand my ground in the queue, and speak up for myself – and maybe I need to do this a little more than I have done previously! -
Trees R Green March 16, 2012
Then there’s the 50ishplus something’s that are Premiers, PMs Secretaries of State, GovGens, Opposition Leaders (in waiting Julie or in detention Aung San Suu Kyi) Not invisible, but usually judged on very personal levels- hair, figure, weight, maternal status. Not too mention the not so invisible billionaire mining magnate-ess! BTW Do they do hair extensions in shades of grey?
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Kazarh March 16, 2012
yes invisible is a good word !…am retired thank god out of the wk force…found at meetings younger woman would ignore, talk over ,if you were to say you piece would be seen as rude. With all the life exsperience us older woman pocess younger woman dont see us babyboomer mother’s/ wives/workingwoman… made the changes. When I started working at 15yrs old my wage was $36 a fortnight 18$ a week woked all day for the price of a coffee in todays money….I do beleive men also when they become old crocs with cocs are also invisible…!!!!
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Alex March 16, 2012
This is so true Kazarh. I too am retired and failed to note the exact moment my opinion in business meetings turned from being innovative and interesting to being invisible. I also note too that when older women speak up they are treated as rude and pushy.
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Linda March 16, 2012
nice piece. accurate but oh so depressing. I think I would rather have an invisible plane ( wonder woman ) than be invisible!! Think I need to keep working on that one though.
So in the workplace I figure I must have had the five minutes of time between being too young and objectified to be taken seriously and listened too and now being talked over and invisible. That will teach me to blink! -
Daphne Alaksa March 16, 2012
Please ladies, don’t allow yourself to be depressed by this. Just consider these facts — you have a lot of life experience
to offer and you still look pretty good. In other words, you
are a sophisticated person with great talents. My kids are both women in their fifties. On works because having tried staying at home found it totally boring, she couldn’t wait to head back to the office. My older daughter just
wants to do fun things like climbing up cliffs etc. with her husband. Personally I find this rather nerve-wracking just thinking about it, but if that’s what she wants then that’s what she must do. The lucky couple had a very long holiday in Europe recently and wandered all over the place having a great time. Well before they left I begged and pleaded with them to take me with them, but they just laughed and refused. It was, however, probably just as well they did that. Had I actually gone with them perhaps I would have been tempted to do a bit of cliff climbing with them. Whoops! Is that dear old mum falling to the ground? What on earth are we going to tell dad? He just might get really miserable. -
Birgit March 16, 2012
I do love this article. I am 62 and have felt like this at times, but then other times I put myself out there and make people notice me by just smiling at people as a walk through shopping centres or around the beach. I am still working 3 days a week teaching at a girls high school and must say I feel very appreciated and acknowledged there and hope I am doing my bit for older women.
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Benster March 16, 2012
I try to be positive but this is so true and it happens so suddenly. One moment (two years ago) the phone is ringing off the hook with job offers. Just past 50 and I don’t even get interviews any more. To make it worse, one coveted role went to a younger man who moved from the job I was in six years ago. I’ve now taken the first 10 years’ experience off my cv….
One good thing is I can go out drinking with my friends and no-one bothers us! -
airdre grant March 16, 2012
Well here I am at 58 and while i was at first astonished at being invisible, I have found it has advantages. I was in a Dick Smith store the other day and all the srceens and sound systems were blaring. It was staffed by young men, and I knew I was definitely never going to be served. So I went around and turned off 5 TVs, 6 sound sound systems and 4 DVD players. I was quite blatant. I even turned off the flat screen car racing in the middle of the store. My challenge is can anyone beat this record! Dont worry about being ‘caught’ . No one will even know you are in the shop.. Older women rule! (just not conspicuously).
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Calloway Luddington March 16, 2012
I love this Airdre! I have also discovered that I can get away with all manner of mischief because at roughly the same time one achieves invisibility, the capacity to be embarrassed disappears. I used to be quite the cranky commuter when subjected to the noisy, fatuous, mobile phone ramblings of the idiot child slouching near me. These days when confronted with this – as a public service to others in the vicinity – I start reading my newspaper aloud. I figure they probably find my soothing tones reporting the daily news preferable to “and I was like, and she was like..”
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Natalie March 20, 2012
YEAH! Use your invisibility to have fun and create mischief. I had an overwhelming urge to do a “bombie” into the pool at the swim centre – so I just did it. The (young, male) lifeguard shouted at a couple of kids in the pool, even though there were big ripples all around me. I nearly drowned laughing….
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Sarah Boggs March 16, 2012
I know too well what you mean to be 77 and short can be annoying to say the least but when you are at the front of the queue and are about to be served someone taller than you puts there request in and when you turn and give them a dirty look they smile and say”I didn’t see you there”.
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Valerie Parv March 16, 2012
Love these responses! Grey hair extensions – why not? And as for crocs with cocs…ROFL. Airdre may have hit on the biggest benefit of turning invisible – you can be as subversive as you like. I also hate blaring noise in stores but I was the same when much younger. I’m among the few people I know who go into elevators for the music. Next time I encounter such a cacophony, I’ll quietly turn it all off. See if anyone notices.
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M March 16, 2012
Over 50, still working, part time. Correct, I find that when I am paid a compliment by a younger, usually female (not that I am looking for compliments mind you) work collegue, it is unintensionally a back handed insult, usually referring to my age and the fact that I am so good at what I do (for someone my age) I take it in the spirit it was given, well meaning.. Yes invisible we are when over 50 but I think to a certain degree males experience that as well. Sometimes I like being invisible, I can get on with living my full and happy life without being objectified or judged (have to be visible to be judged); other times I am extremely insulted and frustrated. Especially the way over 50s are represented in the media and yes those funeral adds ughhh….. I have to say, when I am in a shop I look the shop assistant in the eye, smile and say I AM when they ask who is next… is that pushy, old and invisible?
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Jenny E. March 16, 2012
I have a friend (no, not me!) who was startled recently by the spectre of agism when applying for a job she was well qualified for. She is 52 and already in a good job. But there was a real discrimination there. What is going on?
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Rowena April 25, 2012
its just life now that once you turn 50 your now longer what people are looking for,you have to be blonde skinny and 18, I spent months and years looking for work in fashion no one will take me on. I took matters into my own hands and sell on ebay…I love it and great way to make friends of the same age group.
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Judy March 16, 2012
Since retiring from work I have been doing a lot of online surveys – however, since recently turning seventy I find that I hardly get past the first question – seems my opinion no longer counts!
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Allikat March 16, 2012
I am another 50 something female who refuses to get depressed- I get even. Make a littlei mischief! Have a little fun while you go about doing it. Love the Dick Smith switch off, will try this one myself.
Go grrrl………
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Vanessa March 17, 2012
I am 50 in a couple of months and although I feel invisible I do feel respected for my knowledge by the organisation that I volunteer for. And like somebody said, it’s sometimes nice to be invisible. Then I think, how wonderful would it be to see strong, mature female characters in television and the movies constantly, reinforcing our sense of worth. I recently watched Calender Girls with Julie Walters and Helen Mirren and thoroughly enjoyed it. Mature women, standing up for what they know is right and getting in and having a go.
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sue elliott March 17, 2012
Last night I dreamed that I was chasing an old lady who had stolen a trolly load of groceries. She was pushing the trolly all around and I woke up as I realised that I was pumping my arms in an effort to catch her. …Back to sleep and there I was stealing a trolly load of groceries and no-one could catch me. See how important it is that we learn from older folk. Now I am that ‘older folk’ I will be able to pass on these valuable tips.
I am surpried about the number of women who feel invisible. I am 52 and wrinkled and round. Sure, occasionally someone is served ahead of me (that has always happened) but not for long, cos I point it out and there are ‘sorries’ all around and I am served in correct order.
I am tempted to think that we are only ignored if we allow it. Some grand movement is unlikely to change things like this. You must stand up for yourself.
Viva coloured hair, loud clothes and an even louder voice. -
Chrissie March 17, 2012
Wow Jessica, can I apply for a job with one of your companies? Love working but certainly don’t feel valued any longer….
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fran March 17, 2012
dick smith story reminded me of my recent foray into a large shopping centre – needed asistance but was ignored completely. I finally reached over and picking up the staff mike asked (in a clear and commanding tone) for assistance in aisle * – was swamped within seconds by six employees! They were soooo keen to assist.
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Amy March 17, 2012
@Airdre
Love what you did in the appliances shop! I’m 58 too, and your post has made me smile, and consider other examples of gentle rebellion that could be enacted around the place. People just don’t expect us to be bolshy at our age. But when we’re pushed enough, we can be quite effective – partly because we largely have grown out of worrying what others think of us. -
Jo March 18, 2012
Older women are also invisible to dress designers,clothing manufacturers and those responsible for stocking the clothes available in retail stores.Ghastly materials,poorly made,absolutely tatty, totally inelegant and largely inappropriate to older women who no longer have the figures,firmness and flesh tones of an 18-year old. I am about to put my 20yr old summer clothes away for another season and rediscover my 20yr old winter clothes – sigh- again. A quick survey of friends, and strangers struggling to find something to buy in major stores has revealed that I am not alone in my misery. We are a large – and growing-group who want (1) comfortable fit to hide a multitude of sins,but not resembling a bell tent (2)clothes made from material which doesn’t look ‘slept in’ after a few minutes wear(3) a moratorium on designs which,many years ago, were created to hide a pregnant belly (4)another moratorium on the “layered” look (5) colours to flatter an ageing skin. If one of the major stores stocked a line suitable for older women- and advertized the fact -I am sure that they could stop moaning about the decline in retail trade, and make a fortune.
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Rowena April 25, 2012
Hi Jo we all go through the same thing with the pregnancy look in our 50′s I found a fashion to solve my problem called Kita Ku their clothes are classy smart and awesome…I also sell them as well as wear them on ebay you should check them out they are lovely. you don’t have to go searching the shops just get on line
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Jane Caro March 19, 2012
At almost 55, I like to tell everyone who will stand still long enough to listen that I and every woman in the world of my age and above is utterly special.
Did you know that the human female is the only creature on the planet that lives longer than their ability to reproduce?
Far from being past it, nature has decided older women are a resource of rare value and privilege. We need to wear our wrinkles with great pride.
Shared a panel with Liz at the Perth Writers Festival. She is completely special. -
soozet March 19, 2012
I’m turning 60 next year (not sure how that happened!!) and since I turned 50 I’ve done and said exactly what I want. It’s one of the advantages of being invisible!
I returned to South Africa in 2009 and spent a year looking for a job. It’s very discouraging with everything being done online these days. A computer doesn’t know if you’re youthful and presentable. I eventually did get a job through a friend with a company that treasures more mature people (never use the word ‘old’). And one thing is for sure; I won’t be taking maternity leave!!
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Erica March 19, 2012
And that’s exactly why I love reading your novels Liz. You depict 50* women with great detail – they are so realistic I feel as if I know them in real life. Love your books.
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genevieve March 19, 2012
In reply to Jo, if you live in Victoria you should seek out the Ida Jane chain of stores. The clothes are good quality, fabrics well selected and they do steer away from the tizzy layered look so fashionable these days. It’s an outer eastern suburbs chain that is a well kept secret amongst those in the know – stores in Lilydale, Heathmont and Doncaster and one other location which escapes my memory just now.
I’ve bought clothes from them several times prior to turning 50 because I prefer a classic style, and Jane Wimmers, their designer, will certainly provide that.And to the other commenter who spreads smiles around, I have to agree: that works many subtle wonders.
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Jo March 20, 2012
Thanks Genevieve. Unfortunately I live in Sydney. Maybe we could persuade the Ida Jane group to open a branch here?
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genevieve March 19, 2012
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Jo McComiskey March 19, 2012
Im 52, Im a mother, a wife a blogger, a freelance stylist for lifestyle magazines and I keep active, physically and mentally.
Life is busy, full and sometimes sad..perhaps thats why I keep so engaged..if I stop then perhaps I will disappear?
However I love seeing older women with drive and passion..it’s exciting and infectious!
Jo -
blue March 20, 2012
I’m now 56 and it’s like I’ve applied for a license or something that allows people to not see me, be rude to me or even, very nearly, run me over. The driver got out, very shaken and apologetic, and told me she didn’t see me. Hello? I was crossing at the lights on the walk signal. It was a four laned road. And the streets were empty. Then she changed her mind about her needing to apologise. She decided there should be no crossing there at all. Great. being as invisible as I already am, with no crossing to cross at I’d last exactly how long?
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Maggie Dana March 21, 2012
When did older women start to become invisible? The 40s, 50s, 60s? Might be an interesting thesis for a women’s studies course. These days, for older women to get the respect their experience and wisdom deserves, they’d be better off in the jungles of New Guinea: no TV, no youth-obsessed culture, and … sadly … no indoor plumbing.
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jeanne ray March 21, 2012
I posted a message here yesterday, but it must have been invisible, as it is not here today. I live in Nashville, TN. Love this site. I’m 74, but still a prime cut. I have just written a book, out in May, 2011, called, Calling Invisible Women. It’s Fiction, published by Crown. You ladies down under (and beyond) will enjoy it.
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Monica April 2, 2012
I’ve witnessed this many times, and observed the declining visibility – and I’m barely 40. At first, when I was pregnant – which is an absolute no go zone for sensuality or intelligence – and I saw lthis with both humor and a tinge of regret. Life was changing.
I’m lucky to have a range of gorgeous women role models in my life, and continue to be inspired by women older than I. What this means is that I am left with admiration of women who are smart, opinionated but kind, unapologetically balanced in life, and who tell you they still don’t always get it right.
These are the real women, and yes Liz, we need to see more of them. Let them fill our ‘gaze’ before some pert 45yo (trying to look 25 ugh) clinging to what should never have been held up as ideal in the first place.
Great article, and your novels provide one layer of representation. Keep them coming. X
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Sandy April 3, 2012
I have a daughter who is studying feminism and ‘womens’ issues’ so have been reading some of her books. Just reading about the Womens’ Electoral Lobby at present and how it got started. It all seems to be about younger women, child care, birth control etc. I am 64 and am fit and healthy with lots still to offer but what groups are out there to support us. I am still working but managers tend to overlook women in my age group for promotions etc and go to the younger ones with less experience.
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Sandy April 3, 2012
Yes
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Jo Campbell April 3, 2012
I’m nudging 70 and recently gave up the car for a racy new bike. I’m continually bombarded by greetings and encouraging comments on the bike tracks around Hobart. Very occasionally I’ve been bawled out by young lycra louts who have no idea what brakes are for . I’ve learned to project my voice to reach the receding offenders. I no longer let people get away with rudeness to me or anyone else, and suddenly I’m far more visible. I’m quite enjoying my new found freedom. So good for you, all you ladies who fight back.
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Maria April 12, 2012
When I turned 50 last year, the dog died, my periods stopped and Depend samples and Lifeline keyrings were posted in my letterbox – so it was all looking good then!? I’ve never had children, so slip through generalised marketing categories – which doesn’t bother me. What does bother me, is the way I’m beginning to feel, as a post-50s job applicant. Having just obtained a university degree, I thought it would be easy to find work (with my skills and buckets of on-the-job experience); not so. In this instance, I am finding that “age” is a real barrier. Moreover, while corporate mission statements, are now driven by a “culturally diverse” ethos, the issue of “age diversity” in the workplace, seems to have become the new “elephant in the boardroom”. I can live with being invisible in the shopping mall and at service counters; I cannot live without getting an income. This is why the issue of “women and ageism” in the workplace is of such concern.
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neeter April 12, 2012
Towanda! (from the movie: Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe).
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Pauline April 17, 2012
I became a beautician late in life, and have built up quite a good clientele, of wonderful strong friendly women, all over 55, who come to me because of my age .(62) They feel comfortable with me,and they tell me they wouldn’t. Be having these treatments otherwise . What a huge market is being missed outs on by shortsighted people. I have made some wonderful friends.
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Sonja April 21, 2012
Nudging 69 here, it just does not seem possible. I dont dress any different to when I was a teenager. I go with the flow of fashoin, and what I can afford to look smart. Yet I will get some comments, not always what I expected. Must ask, .. Does anyone know why most fashions have short sleeves??? Not really a good look, but then we are invisible
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anna April 25, 2012
What a great article. I am almost 47 and have gone back to study at Tafe. I used to be an accountant ,but staying home with kids for 21 years,(maybe not a good choice) and volunteering my life to schools and church, now I want my own career. I really feel I have a lot to give, but will I have the chance? Wish me luck etc..
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Rowena April 25, 2012
Hi I know the Ida jane and Jane Wimmer brands not impressed with their clothing originally made for the larger ladies , the designs are a little dated and suitable only for aged ladies not the main stream. Now I do know the brand Kita Ku that is suitable for ladies aged from 30-70 clothing comes in 8-28 sizing’s and is meant to be layered and looks awesome. check this brand out. can be found in boutiques and also can be found on Ebay,
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Flamingo Dancer May 5, 2012
My feet be in the trenches, but I refuse to be invisible. Reaching my 50s has been the best thing that ever happened to me in a long long time. I have finally given myself permission to be me, and to live the life I want. I went back to university and gained a degree in teaching, and now I am a teacher librarian in a high school. One of my better decisions. I don’t need validation by others, the media, or society, I have given myself validation, and life is interesting and fulfilling.
http://flamingodancer.net/
