HELP! MY TOM CRUISE CRUSH IS BACK
Here’s something disturbing: it turns out I’ve reignited my teenage crush on Tom Cruise.
The shirtless volleyball scene in Top Gun and, below, spot the penis outline in Risky Business.
Trust me, no one is more freaked out about this than I am. I’m nearly 40 and he’s a few weeks shy of 50. What the hell is going on? When did I stop having the hots for guys in their 20s – their 30s at a stretch? And why, for god’s sake, have I got a fan crush on someone as profoundly uncool as Cruise?
Oh god, I’ve turned into my elderly aunt who becomes shiny-eyed and smacks her lips whenever you mention André Rieu.
The last time I felt like this over Tom Cruise I was 13 years old.
All my girlfriends (the whole four of them) were at my place for a slumber party.
Tania had brought a VHS copy of Risky Business and we were itching for my parents to go to bed so that we could put it on.
The story was this: Tania had already seen the movie and swore on her mother’s grave (who wasn’t dead but that’s a minor detail) that during the famous dance scene, where Tom is faffing around in his shirt and undies and dancing to Old Time Rock and Roll, you could see the outline of his penis. His penis!
I still don’t think I’ve seen the whole film.
It took us all night to try and pause the video tape in the right spot, which was impossible, considering going frame by frame on a videotape required the kind of forensic patience that no 13-year-old yipped up on boiled saveloys, chicken chips, lolly snakes and lust can manage.
Even now I’m not sure at what point you’re supposed to be able to see his dick. Halfway through the routine he lies on a couch with his feet over his head and his jocks filling the screen but, seriously, I don’t care how hot he is, that is not an attractive angle for anyone. No-one in the history of the world has ever said, “There’s just a few shots left on this roll of film, hoik your legs up like you’re about to get a colonoscopy mate, the chicks’ll love it.”
What I do remember is not sleeping for most of that night, so worked up were I and my fellow flannelette pyjama-clad harlots. Things only got worse when Top Gun came out.
I do believe that it was while watching the shirtless volleyball scene that I had my first asthma attack.
But all of that was over 25 years ago. I have changed, Tom has changed. I moved on to do an arts degree, become a full-time wanker and get off on watching Lateline. He became a Scientologist, dumped our Nicole and jumped on a couch. There was no way he was hot any longer.
To be honest, he’d lost his sheen for me long before that. He’d started doing ‘serious’ films and my gaze shifted to Jon Bon Jovi, Patrick Swayze, Mötley Crüe and the guys in my town who rode Harley Davidsons.
I was a bogan. I was two inches taller thanks only to my fringe. Nothing was going to get me interested in Thomas Mapother IV again, not even if he changed his name to Töm Crüise.
|Page 1 of 2||next >>|