HELP! MY TOM CRUISE CRUSH IS BACK
Here’s something disturbing: it turns out I’ve reignited my teenage crush on Tom Cruise.
The shirtless volleyball scene in Top Gun and, below, spot the penis outline in Risky Business.
Trust me, no one is more freaked out about this than I am. I’m nearly 40 and he’s a few weeks shy of 50. What the hell is going on? When did I stop having the hots for guys in their 20s – their 30s at a stretch? And why, for god’s sake, have I got a fan crush on someone as profoundly uncool as Cruise?
Oh god, I’ve turned into my elderly aunt who becomes shiny-eyed and smacks her lips whenever you mention André Rieu.
The last time I felt like this over Tom Cruise I was 13 years old.
All my girlfriends (the whole four of them) were at my place for a slumber party.
Tania had brought a VHS copy of Risky Business and we were itching for my parents to go to bed so that we could put it on.
The story was this: Tania had already seen the movie and swore on her mother’s grave (who wasn’t dead but that’s a minor detail) that during the famous dance scene, where Tom is faffing around in his shirt and undies and dancing to Old Time Rock and Roll, you could see the outline of his penis. His penis!
I still don’t think I’ve seen the whole film.
It took us all night to try and pause the video tape in the right spot, which was impossible, considering going frame by frame on a videotape required the kind of forensic patience that no 13-year-old yipped up on boiled saveloys, chicken chips, lolly snakes and lust can manage.
Even now I’m not sure at what point you’re supposed to be able to see his dick. Halfway through the routine he lies on a couch with his feet over his head and his jocks filling the screen but, seriously, I don’t care how hot he is, that is not an attractive angle for anyone. No-one in the history of the world has ever said, “There’s just a few shots left on this roll of film, hoik your legs up like you’re about to get a colonoscopy mate, the chicks’ll love it.”
What I do remember is not sleeping for most of that night, so worked up were I and my fellow flannelette pyjama-clad harlots. Things only got worse when Top Gun came out.
I do believe that it was while watching the shirtless volleyball scene that I had my first asthma attack.
But all of that was over 25 years ago. I have changed, Tom has changed. I moved on to do an arts degree, become a full-time wanker and get off on watching Lateline. He became a Scientologist, dumped our Nicole and jumped on a couch. There was no way he was hot any longer.
To be honest, he’d lost his sheen for me long before that. He’d started doing ‘serious’ films and my gaze shifted to Jon Bon Jovi, Patrick Swayze, Mötley Crüe and the guys in my town who rode Harley Davidsons.
I was a bogan. I was two inches taller thanks only to my fringe. Nothing was going to get me interested in Thomas Mapother IV again, not even if he changed his name to Töm Crüise.
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26 Responses to this article
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Mando June 22, 2012
I am so glad I’m not the only one Corrinne! I had the 80′s crush on him too, then he started to show the world how nucking futs he really is and I ‘chose’ not to like him anymore (I can hear the eye rolling – STOP IT). All it really takes to reignite it is a flash of that panty melting grin of his and the pretending is over – I usually have to leave the room to compose myself lest hubby realise what just happened!!!
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bianca June 22, 2012
sigh…………..
i stopped reading at “tom cruises ‘dick’…”
sigh…………….
LOL!!
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AJ June 22, 2012
Sorry, I too used to love Tom in his hey day. And quite enjoy a bit of Mission Impossible. But hormonally I just can’t go past Orlando Bloom.
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The Huntress June 22, 2012
LOL It reminds me of my teenaged thing for rockstars. Take any homeless, unshaven bum off the street, stick a guitar in his hands and I turn into putty. Still. And I’ve just become the wrong side of 30.
Poor Mr. Huntress actually discovered that I wasn’t lying about my rockstar love when I dragged him to see my favourite band. It was their second tour to Australia, with a gap of more than 10 years between visits. After the show Mr. Huntress said he understood he was second best in my life, at least for that night. There is something about rockstars that just totally does it for me.
And in the same vein, was it wrong that I got a teensy bit excited to discover Johnny Depp is now single? I absoloutely NEVER read gossip/entertainment news (unless were talking about 90′s rockstars LOL) and when I saw that he had split from his (lovely) partner I felt this surge of…something. Because, of course, Depp is going to somehow turn up on my doorstep in inner city Perth in his Jack Sparrow costume and ask where I have been all his life LOL A girl can cuddle up with her hormones and dream, no?
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sam June 22, 2012
Back off Huntress Johnny Depp is MINE!
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dramaqueen75 June 22, 2012
Couldn’t agree more Corrine
In fact, only a few days ago I said to my man some words I NEVER thought would pass my lips:
“Hey honey, let’s go see that new movie, you know – the one with Tom Cruise in it?” -
Jo-Anne June 22, 2012
Good read. I’m running out the door to the Movies! hh hh hh hh
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Kris June 22, 2012
Oh Good Lord. A Tom Cruise movie I now actually want to see. I never thought it would happen. I LOOOOOOOVE that volley ball scene in Top Gear. From that picture in Corinne’s article, this might top it. I foresee a girls night at the movies in my near future.
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Mary Longford June 22, 2012
Bradley Cooper Bradley Cooper Bradley Cooper….not a Cruise fan though in his new movie he’s got the Keith Urban hair goin on
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Serin June 22, 2012
Sorry Corrine, my verdict is you are beyond help if you ever seriously entertained the idea of pashing TC.
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Kate June 22, 2012
you said it for all of us … and that’s why we love you Corrinne ….
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DivaBehan June 22, 2012
lolz, your’e such a DAG Corinne!
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Shiralee June 22, 2012
Diego Benato (Drew) isn’t bad either. The only problem is he’s 18 years youger than me
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Seana Smith June 22, 2012
I missed the Tom Cruise crush thing the first time round, bit too old I think. Am terribly concerned about reigniting my early teens crushes. Might I mention the Bay City Rollers? Were they known in Oz. Large can of worms, best left closed.
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Gabby June 23, 2012
BayCityRollers, I was about 11 or 12, and all the girls went crazy about them here in Melbourne Australia. We even pretended to be the band, and I was Alan. Although I liked Derek the drummer. the first boy band from UK.
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Chantel June 22, 2012
Finally, someone has written an article proclaiming the same school girl crush I am so familiar with. I too am almost 40 and Tom Cruise took up many hours of my teenage years with visions of meeting/marrying/stalking/loving/groping him, in any order. I even forgave him for things like “Vanilla Sky” and “Magnolia”, this was the intensity of my emotions! I looked past the couch jumping episode as a momentary lapse of reason. I stuck by him through the break ups and marriages with young actresses. I have yet to see this new movie, but I have no doubt to save the embarrassment of my family it will be a middle of the day, incognito attempt on my behalf. I may even top it off with watching Top Gun and Jerry Macquire later that evening. Yum!!
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Eme June 23, 2012
Sorry.. Tom Cruise – did have the crush in Risky Business now he s just too weird and creepy and controlling. Just can t watch him. He has enough money now doesn’t t need my money from my ticket. Ever since that sixty minute interview and the Scientology speech thing. I am OVER him. Like the article though. Like Corine Grant !!
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Deb June 23, 2012
Oh dear………just went and saw Rock of Ages. Me too Corinne, me too!
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kelli June 24, 2012
love it!
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Jane June 24, 2012
Never, ever thought I would be attracted to Tom Cruise, and I find the whole scientology/robot wife thing so creepy. But I too went to see Rock Of Ages ‘ironically’ the other day. And HOLY HELL!!! Something about him in that role was so dirty hot. As we walked out of the movie I said to my friend: “I have such confusing feelings about Tom Cruise now”. My friend paused and said quietly: “Me too.”
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Kylie J June 27, 2012
I just saw Rock of Ages and I have to agree with Jane…he’s got the whole dirty hot thing going on in spades.
How this happened is beyond me. Let’s not speak of it again.
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More June 30, 2012
Tom and Katie are getting a divorce – 5 yr contract is up apparently. He’s all yours Corrine…sorry, but I would always associate him with very serious karate hand running, couch jumping and Scientology…
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Eme June 30, 2012
They are getting a divorce. Off you go Corine but be careful. Three scary words ……Tom Cruise & Scientology.
