HEARD ABOUT THE DADDY WARS?
Two men walk into a bar.
(I promise there are no horses, Irishmen or priests in this anecdote.)
Illustration via Jezebel.
One turns to the other and says: “I heard Dave’s gone back to work. Can you believe it? His kid’s only three months old!”
“Yep. Shocking. What’s more important: your kid or your job? That’s why I decided to stay at home. A child needs his father.”
Of course, this conversation never happened.
Because men don’t have ‘daddy wars’ in the same way women have ‘mummy wars’.
Part of this is due to critical mass: In Australia, only one percent of fathers stay at home. Traditionally, men have earned more from selling their labour. But with women making up 64 percent of university graduates, the times they are a-changin’.
Let’s hope this new debate doesn’t devolve into mano a mano. In parenting pugilism, there are no winners.
The most recent example is the battle between Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen and the wife of Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Ms Rosen said Ann Romney had no right to advise her husband on economic issues because she’d “never worked a day in her life”.
In response, Ms Romney tweeted, “I made a choice to stay at home and raise five boys. Believe me, it was hard work”.
Mitt Romney’s subsequent comment, “All moms are working moms”, opened up a class war. In January, he said women on welfare needed to get jobs even if they had young children.
It seems the only mothers who are allowed to stay at home are rich ones.
The fallout from all of this is disappointingly predictable. The stay-at-home mums are fighting for their turf; the working mums, theirs. It feeds into the cliché of women always ready to tear each other down. Each side is presenting its own statistics, showing kids are better/worse off at home/in care.
But many families don’t have a choice about whether both parents work. They need to pay the bills.
For those who do have a choice, it’s simple. If going to work makes you feel fulfilled, do it. If you’re more content staying at home, do that. And don’t feel guilty.
Kids are happy if they are loved – regardless of whether their caregivers work outside the home.
Which brings me to dads.
| Page 1 of 2 | next >> |
17 Responses to this article
-
Sharon April 20, 2012
“He’s more of a man than some of those blokes will ever be”. Yes to this.
-
Mrs Woog April 20, 2012
A-BLOODY-MEN!
-
JM April 20, 2012
Great article, so true. My husband is one of those stay at home dads. We both get judged about this, in different ways. Often it’s women will gush about how wonderful he is (for doing what many women do every day without the same recognition!) and men think he sits around all day drinking lattes and relaxing. I’m encouraged to see more and more dads with prams. Families should be free to choose what works for them.
-
Jackie April 20, 2012
I truly hate this is an issue at all.
Surely the decision of who stays home or if both have/need to work is on a case by case basis.
I detest men being featured as “stay at home” dads as if they are special…they aren’t. That’s what equality is about. Both parents should be capable of taking care of their own children and household chores REGARDLESS of who stays home.
I work from home….I made it very clear to my husband that working from home does not mean there is a domestic goddess whirling like a dervish through the house making sure the laundry is done and he will come home to a sparkling house and a martini on ice (shaken not stirred)
He still takes his turn over the stove and understands the science of not washing colours with whites and even knows how to hang out a shirt so you don’t get pegmarks.
Perhaps I am blessed with the man I have. I’d like to think that’s how most households work.
-
HannahQ April 20, 2012
I’m very proud of my son who works from home so he is available to his children. One is in day care and one is in school. He drops them off, picks them up, makes their dinner, is full time with them when they are home and if he still has work to do, and often does, he does it after he baths the boys, reads to them and puts them to bed – in partnership with his wife, who leaves early for work and returns home around the time the boys are on desert, or a little after.
I get sick and tired of all the talk about PPL being about ‘mothers’. After all, it’s not PML. No response from Abbott when I tweeted him about it. Then, he only answers questions that suit his spin, I’ve found. -
Jane Caro April 20, 2012
It is a very recent phenomenon that adult women have stayed home looking after small children full time. In peasant societies, women laboured beside their husbands in the fields and children were minded by grandmothers and older children. Visit the Thai hill tribes and watch 4 year olds lugging babies about while their parents work in the rice paddies.
In rich families in medieval times, children were routinely sent to other families to be brought up by servants in groups and trained as marriage bargaining chips (if girls) and warriors (if boys). Wetnursing – where poor women breastfed and raised other richer women’s kids for their first few years was considered normal for centuries. Kids were swaddled for their first year or so for centuries too. They were almost never unwrapped from the bandages (imagine!) – it was believed it helped them grow straight! That was ‘normal’ too. Even in Victorian England, rich children were raised by nannies and nurses – while mum symbolised her husbands wealth and power as a hostess and decorative object who never lifted a finger. Poorer children were raised by Granny while Mum worked in factories or as domestic labour, unless, of course, they worked in the factory themselves.
My own husband was raised by nannies, then sent to boarding school – from Jamaica to the UK (travelling alone) at age 6. His mum did not work, btw.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you there is a ‘normal’ or ‘natural’ way to raise kids. We seem to change the rules to suit the society. When we don’t want women in the workforce – post WWII – we glorified stay at home mothering, when we needed their skills and labour – post 70s – we gave feminism another boost.
Love your kids, treat them with respect and kindness and they’ll (probably) turn out alright. Staying home won’t necessarily save them (I am seeing that it is no guarantee as I watch my now grown daughter’s friends negotiate the world) and going to work won’t necessarily destroy them.
Be happy, model being self responsible and put your own needs first every once in a while. That’s about the best you can do. -
cate April 20, 2012
Hear! Hear! Thoughts straight from my head to your page, Tracey. Uncanny!
-
Michelle April 20, 2012
Great article and when I went to playgroup with my twins there were 2 stay at home dads and they were fantastic to have around and no-one ever questioned it. We all have a job to do, just let us all get on with it, no matter who goes to work.
-
Kathryn April 20, 2012
JM, we get judged too. Currently, I’m working full time while my husband has returned to uni, part time, and the rest of the time with the kids. It’s astonishing how many comments we receive on the arrangement. A boss of mine once said to him “I wish someone would pay me to sit around drinking coffee all day.” His wife had him later apologise. When would someone EVER say that to a stay-at-home mum?? It’s apparently hilarious to call him Mr Mum and tease him about spending all his time drinking lattes with other mums. And then I get asked “don’t you get jealous???” Or other mothers who say to me “I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t be that generous”. WTF!? As far as I can tell, we’re both equal parents in this family deal. Our kids are learning (by example) how to work together, how to follow your dreams and go after them, how to work for what you want. Many around us seem to console themselves with the thought that it’s just a phase and that my husband will eventually go back to full-time work. And then all will be right with the world. But you know what? This works for us. The kids have a strong relationship with both parents, and we are both equally capable of getting them dressed, fed, off to school, entertained or educated. There are no gender specific tasks at our place. And I just love that my husband is secure enough in himself to say: It’s about them, not about us. We know what we each contribute to this family and that’s all that matters. He doesn’t justify himself to anyone.
-
Tracey April 20, 2012
Kathryn, I love your quote “We’re both equal parents in this family deal”. Spot on. It’s a shame more people don’t realise this. We do 50/50 parenting in our household, and yet whenever I go away for work, friends always offer to come over and help hubby. Where’s my help when he goes away??? Makes me laugh now. Although, it is insulting – this whole notion that men are somehow incapable of running a household without the ‘little lady’. Thanks for all your comments – they are indeed encouraging. Maybe times are changing!
-
Kaz April 20, 2012
Kathryn i love your comment too – we are equal partners in this family deal as well. In fact Im completing a course fulltime right now and there is no way I could have done it without hubby getting in and taking over the running of our household and family life. It’s cost him – he’s tired and juggling his own full time job, but he constantly tells me getting me through my course is our priority for now and everything else he will sort out. I feel awesomely lucky to have his support.
-
Vanessa April 20, 2012
How many times have your heard a man say, “I’m babysitting tonight.” whilst talking about their own children? It infuriates me!.
This is such a good article and you are right, there are never any winners with this kind of argument.
-
Susan April 20, 2012
And……. A woman in the workplace is less likely to solve all the business wheeling and dealing in a brothel after an expensive dinner with invited young men for company. I reckon a quick cup of coffee is all that is needed on an expense account!
-
Amanda April 20, 2012
The bottom line is that we need to change the way we work to accommodate modern parents most of whom want to share in some equitable way the breadwinning and caregiving. Both women and men need to push the boundaries at work. It is not good for anyone when parents both work a traditional full-time job. The demands are too high and leave little time for all the other important things in life. Mommies also have to stop the warefare. It distracts from the real issues and gets in the way of real change.
