FUSS-FREE BUT FULL OF LOVE
Last week I was listening to talkback radio in my kitchen, in between folding fitted sheets, which is one task that drives me insane.
Adding to my already fractious mood was a discussion happening on the radio regarding funerals, specifically how we farewell our beloved family members.
The discussion was focused on cardboard coffins. Made from 100% biodegradable recycled cardboard, these are a relatively new concept that is gaining popularity. Callers were appalled that people would consider using these coffins.
Mrs Woog’s Nanna’s lilac cardboard casket … lilac was her favourite colour.
“How disrespectful!” they cried. Call after call after call. And before my beloved Nanna’s funeral a few years ago, I might have agreed with them.
My Nanna was the matriarch of a large farming family. She had six children. She spent her last years in a nursing home, a victim of that nasty bastard dementia. Her death was long and drawn out and her children often struggled with watching the suffering.
When she finally passed away, we needed to come together as a family, just us, to reflect on her life and on a wonderful, nurturing and patient woman and the life that she lead.
Instead of a church, a park was chosen. Instead of a religious, anonymous figurehead to conduct a cookie-cutter ceremony, my older sister ran the show. And instead of an expensive, elaborate coffin, my Nanna was resting in a lilac, cardboard casket made of 100% recycled materials. Lilac was her favourite colour. And it was marvellous.
Before the discussion and reflections began, her great, great grandchildren were all given colourful stickers, crayons, paints and glitter to decorate her coffin.
It was pure joy, watching them get to work, talking to their Great Nanna and delighting in each other’s creations.
Then we all had the opportunity to express ourselves, write Nanna a message and take a little time to thank her.
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44 Responses to this article
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Sarah Watts August 23, 2012
The amount you spend on a fancy-schmancy coffin doesn’t mean you love the person more! I love the idea of a cardboard or other biodegradeable material coffin! Especially when you can decorate it and write messages on it – much more personal and loving!
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Caroline Baum August 23, 2012
Could not agree more. Did shopping around for father in law’s funeral this week – prices ranged from $2590 for coffin, hearse, cremation, to nearly $6000.
Awful unregulated industry that exploits people who are emotionally vulnerable. Have dispensed with impersonal celebrant mouthing platitudes and will be doing the formalities myself, to make it a much more personal experience, especially for young great grand-kids who will be attending their first funeral, and need to understand it’s a natural part of life…
Hope baby boomers and younger are going to really shake up the conventions about this , as well as taking a good long hard look at the way we treat the elderly. It’s not pretty, it requires time and compassion, but we need to get our act together.
Some exciting ideas in various communities around Byron Bay (natch) and elsewhere starting to happen. Marvellous celebrant Victoria Spence is a great source.
Thanks for writing about this. -
Bec August 23, 2012
When i die i want a cardboard coffin-i wonder if they could do one with colouring in pictures on it for the kids to colour-i’d come back and haunt them if they went outside the lines though!! lol-hey i like things neat and tidy-colouring in included!!
When the Pope died years back i watched his funeral and loved the pine box-no fanciness to it-just a plain pine box-perfect. -
Stacey August 23, 2012
Your Nanna’s funeral sounds lovely. A funeral/memorial service should be all about the person who has passed, whatever works for your family, rather than following a formula. I’m going to leave instructions for my funeral, it will be my last chance to get my own way!
I like the bamboo coffin in the picture above, it looks comforting. When we were chosing the coffin for my Nan’s funeral my Uncle picked out a $6,000 number. The next words out of my mouth probably weren’t ideal “Oh no, Nan would DIE if we spent that much on a coffin!”
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Wendy August 23, 2012
My late father was a carpenter and we chose a coffin along the lines of something he would have made himself – nice grain of timber but very simple. Sadly, the name of said coffin was the ‘economiser’ and my mother was guilt ridden that it sounded like we were cutting costs. Luckily my brother pointed out how tight he was in life (eg anything more than $20 for a pair of jeans was a rip off), and really, he’d be OK with it. The flowers were a gift from a family friend who owns a florist and again, they were made with Dad in mind and really suited his personality. As crap as it was being there, the funeral was like dad – full of laughter, tall tales and good friends.
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foolio August 23, 2012
Wendy, you’ll find calling a perfectly good coffin the Economiser is quite a deliberate strategy to encourage you to spend more… so is having the nicer coffins at the front, so you have to turn page after to page to find something less expensive – again to make you feel ‘mean’. perhaps the bottom line should be: what would Nanna want?
My funeral funny: my mum insisting Dad was 5’8 when we all knew he was 6 foot and a bit. We three sisters had fun pointing out later to our lone (long teased) brother — once we’d twigged where the number came from — that she was actually measuring HIM up…
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Sonia @ Natural New Age Mum August 23, 2012
I absolutely love this idea and it’s something I will be telling my family that I want.
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Rosie August 23, 2012
It seems to be a popular concept in Australia to do what appears to be “right”, to go with the crowd. I prefer to think along the lines of Mark Twain who once said “When you find yourself on the side of the majority – it’s time to stop and reflect.” Mrs Woog – I think your Nanna’s funeral sounds perfect.
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Kylie L August 23, 2012
Love this idea. There is a scene in the novel “The household guide to dying” where the narrator orders her own (cardboard) coffin and gets her young children and husband to decorate it so she can see it before she dies. Her husband paints some of the lines about loving through eternity from the poem To His Coy Mistress inside the lid, and- oh dear I’ve just got all teary simply recalling it! Needless to say, I think it’s a great personal and ecologically sound idea.
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Justine August 23, 2012
My dad, also from a large farming family has always said he wants to be buried in a chipboard box! Donate the money that would have been spent on a coffin to his church if we wish but don’t bury thousands of dollars in the ground!! As long as we don’t need to do it for a very long time yet that will be fine!
Sounds like your nannas funeral was just perfect!! -
deb cooper August 23, 2012
It’s a very important and personal task and if it can help everyone feel more at ease who says we have rules to follow.God knows we get pushed into enough situations because of ‘what’s expected’
When we lost my darling Mum she had told her girlfriend no fuss at all.So we had a wonderful evening party – no coffin to be seen, anyone who wanted to speak, a small video etc.
It was a wonderful tribute that everyone felt apart of.When we lost her brother our Uncle we covered an inexpensive coffin with a beautiful fabric and spent the money on lots of beautiful orchids we covered it with.The fabric has been kept and all the flower heads were given to all his friends.Again it felt so much more personal.
My husband has informed me to have him cremated and for myself and his children to have his ashes in our pockets with zips in them! That way we can just go to his Mum & Dads plaques at the cemetary and undo the zips, jump up & DOWN ( GOOD LOOK FOR THOSE PAYING THEIR RESPECTS AROUND US) let his ashes scatter on his Mum & Dad – and he says proudly – No buggar will know & no cost!! Use the money a few smart drinks and get on with it…
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Carmel August 23, 2012
I’m bawling right now! I had never thought of cardboard, but will be putting that on the list. A beautiful farewell – bawling again – can’t even write.
Carmel -
janiemay August 23, 2012
I think it’s about time we all looked at how approach death, dying and the journey. Amazing lady in Byron Bay helping bring death & the processes surrounding it back to the community. There is a documentary in the works about her http://www.deathwalkermovie.com/ Her work sounds rather beautiful.
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Liz August 23, 2012
Who is it disrespectful to? Really.
Australia really needs to discuss death more. People should think about how they want to be buried and voice their concerns. Your Nanna who you’d not spend less than $10k on a casket for may have just wanted a cardboard box like Woog’s Nan.
I’ve investigated donating my body to science — when they’re done with it, they’ll bury the leftovers and as an added bonus people will learn things from me. Otherwise – a cardboard box, throwing my body in the fire — whatever. It honestly doesn’t bother me!
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Debyl1 August 23, 2012
Just beautiful.xx
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The Huntress August 23, 2012
I really like the look of the eco-coffin and I think cardboard coffins are perfect. Why do we spend so much money on a box that we dump in the ground or burn? I would be more than happy with a shiny red cardboard coffin, I think my mother would quite like the idea of the eco-coffin. My dad – whatever, though Mr. Huntress would probably insist on mahogany or something grand, bless him.
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Amy August 23, 2012
Perfect idea. I would like the same thing. x
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Janet August 23, 2012
Definitely a cardboard coffin for me, some good music, some poetry, a good cafe lunch for everyone, and hopefully a seedling planted somewhere for my memory.
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Mrs Woog August 23, 2012
I think that sounds just fine for me too Janet x
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Omega August 23, 2012
that sounds like a really great way to see off someone so beloved.
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Karen August 23, 2012
I too love the idea of cardboard coffins, and I have recently started a service painting/decorating them, either in a theme to suit the personality of the person being buried, or working with children and young people to help them to decorate the coffin in what ever way they choose. I believe it helps all involved to see past the awfulness of a traditional ceremony and really say goodbye in a way that speaks from the heart and can acknowledge the joy at having shared some part of you life with that person as well as the terrible loss.
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VRog August 23, 2012
Lovely story Mrs Woog, and just the sort of funeral I’d want too.
Yay for the eco-coffin! I’m going to insist on one when it’s my time to go.
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Jane August 23, 2012
So glad to hear these are now permitted under local laws or whatever guides funerals. My father in law, taken by MS more than 15 years ago, was furious at being told he was not allowed a cardboard coffin. “Waste of money and resources on something that will only get burnt!” he used to rant. This would have made him smile.
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AnnalisaW August 23, 2012
Can I just ask the question…and then what? Sadly my stepkids lost their mother in very tragic circumstances and I have seen them relive this over and over. First the funeral, then (MONTHS later) disposing of the ashes in a private ceremony and now looking to make a memorial at Springvale Crematorium. Where does it end for them? For me, I want a ONE STEP process so my loved ones aren’t reliving it again and again. What happens to cardboard coffin?
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Kris August 23, 2012
Mrs Woog – this sounds like a lovely send-off for your nana. I’m glad you were able to have the service you wanted.
An Eco / cardboard coffin is definitely the way to go. I tried to suggest this to mum a few weeks ago when my nana died. Mum was all for it, but her siblings refused to consider it.
i need to start making the kids aware that I want a bright purple cardboard coffin – preferrably with lots of bling!
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Sneet August 23, 2012
My father has threatened to haunt me for the rest of my life if I DON’T do the carboard coffin and throw his ashes off a bridge funeral!!
I think your Nanna’s funeral sounds perfectly beautiful.
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Me August 23, 2012
It cost $3700 to have my sister cremated in a plain wood coffin. We then went to her favorite beach at sunrise, with her ashes in a tube we had decorated – the tube was inside a gorgeous Balinese colorful basket. Mum and dad and her twin brother emptied her ashes as we looked on holding candles in lanterns. We then had a celebration of her life that night with friends. It was what she wanted and we thought it was perfect.
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anne August 23, 2012
Not just the coffin. Funeral Directors in Australia, with the exception of VERY few are off shoots of huge American companies (you’d be surprised at some of the ones which look like family owned concerns, but aren’t). We assume, and are led to believe that there are laws preventing us from farewelling our loved ones without the assistance of funeral companies.
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Glenis August 23, 2012
Exactly what I want a low cost funeral. I have told my family not to spend $$ thousnads on my funeral. Plain and simple suits me with my ashes in my garden…..perfect!.
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Tink August 23, 2012
My husband wants to be buried in our backyard under a tree…is that legal??
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Elaine Searle August 23, 2012
There are celebrants, and there are celebrants. I am a funeral celebrant and one of the reasons that I trained to become one was that I attended a couple of awful impersonal funerals and a couple of religious ones in which the main focus was the sins of the mourners! There was no acknowledging and celebrating the unique qualities of the individual who had died. A personal funeral need not cost the earth and it may be worth while to have someone experienced, professional and empathetic to give structure to the ceremony. A good service gives the bereaved family and friends consolation and a safe place to express their grief. I am all for environmentally sustainable funerals but the most important thing is that the funeral or memorial is personal and consoling.
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sue bell August 23, 2012
Coffins can be cardboard, or wooden even chipboard. You can take them home and paint and decorate them any way you want. If you are worried about the environment you can have a body kept at the undertaker’s without preservative, just cooling. This gives you time to paint the coffin. You can have a bush burial in just a cotton shroud in bush set aside for burials and a tree planted on top. You can be buried at sea. But you can’t get buried in the back yard. There are many, many health reasons for this.
Cremation is bad for the environment, burials take up room. Bush burials the body is vertical and nourishes a tree.
You can run your own funeral from your home, yes the deceased can be in your home in the coffin, from a hall or funeral parlour. It is all up to each individual.
Plan your funeral early, ask people if they will speak at your funeral (if they are still alive as I wish every one a long life), select music and photos and make sure you have a copy of your death/funeral plan where people can easily find it. Remember we are baby boomers, we say what we want, we make our own decisions, as feminists we control our bodies nobody else does. -
Shiralee August 23, 2012
What a beautiful funeral. I love the idea of decorating the coffin.
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Pamela August 23, 2012
Could not agree more ! A personal farewell party is far nicer than a formal expensive and IMpersonal ceremony.
Way to go!! -
Annie August 24, 2012
My lovely old Mum passed away last year after 10 years with Alzheimers. She would never talk about death and funerals, and hated cemeteries. At our meeting with the funeral director we commented, as we being gently shown through “the casket catalogue” that she would hate them all and we wished we could just put her in her beloved piano and wave her off. Suddenly we had a new catalogue, no piano, but the next best thing, a casket painted as a piano around the sides and with sheet music floating across the top. No more expensive that the “basic oak”. That was when we realised that we didn’t have to do what everyone else did. We farewelled our darling in “the piano” on the oval opposite the family home of 40 years where she’d loved to walk and watch the world. We had a catered morning tea picnic, with all her favourite sweet treats and lattes and cappucinos to order, next to the hearse with all it’s sides down – “Batmobile style” was the funeral director’s description. We recorded all the fabulous classical piano music she’d played for us all our lives and it played in the background as we shared memories, laughed heaps, shed some tears. When the time came, we all moved to the side of the road and waved and cheered her good bye as the hearse paused outside her old house, with bunches of balloons released by the grandkids to follow her on the journey. It was so much more “her” than a traditional funeral could ever have been and we were so happy that even in death, she didn’t have to visit a cemetery.
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Sharron August 26, 2012
Love your Nannas funeral, at my own beloved Gran’s we played her out to there’s no business like show business and NO one wore black, pinks purples, all the bright pretty and shiny colours. Big, bold and larger than life, bit like the lady herself. Funerals…..see the word FUN it is in there for a reason
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Jennie August 27, 2012
My brother was a well known environmental activist and documentary film maker on environmental issues. When he died four years ago we deliberately chose a chipboard coffin because he would have wanted minimal environmental impact (many people don’t know that ‘regular’ coffins are incredibly bad form environmentally, wasting huge numbers of trees and other resources for something that either rots in the ground or is burnt). It was all great, except that a few people wrote obituaries for him, and one of them mentioned that his family chose a ‘cheap coffin’. This was unbelievably hurtful, particularly to my mother, and it certainly did not help during a time of grieving for a son who died suddenly and very young. If you do ever go to a funeral with a cardboard or chipboard coffin, please, please do not assume that price is the reason, and if you use one for a family member, you can avoid being hurt by ensuring that mourners know the reason – that the deceased cared about the environment, for instance.
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ally August 27, 2012
My father recently died and whilst we were planning the funeral I asked about cardboard coffins – they were actually more expensive than some of the wooden ones – so it is not a cheap way out for your loved one.
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ally August 27, 2012
My father recently died and whilst we were planning the funeral I asked about cardboard coffins – they were actually more expensive than some of the wooden ones – so it is not a cheap way out for your loved one.
