FORUM ON TEENS #1. ALCOHOL
For parents, carers and young people themselves, adolescence is a challenging and confusing time.
A kid who still sleeps with his blankie is accessing pornography on his mobile phone until after midnight.
On the menu for a sweet sixteen birthday? Pink cupcakes and smuggled alcopops.
The teen who is sure that MSG should be banned has a stash of dope hidden in a bedside table drawer.
At The Hoopla we know that many of our readers are struggling with how to set and enforce boundaries of behaviour and expectation with young people who are by turns delightful and demanding; dependent and defiant and, of course, loved beyond all measure.
We fear for our children’s safety, yet want them to try their wings so they become independent and responsible people.
Young people themselves want their freedom – they think our sole purpose is to deprive them of it – but they also crave the security and guidance from a wiser, mature person.
Sometimes we doubt our ability to be that wise person.
And then, there’s the law.
This week The Hoopla asks for your questions, worries and also seeks your advice.
What works? What definitely doesn’t? How did you and your teenagers negotiate this tricky time on the three big issues of alcohol, porn and drugs?
If you’re here right now, raising teenagers; have been there, or if you can recall what it was like to be that young person… we hope you will find time to contribute to our sum of Australian Women’s Wisdom.
It’s no secret that politicians and academics don’t have all the answers.
ALCOHOL
“Rosie was brought home twice by the police, dead drunk, when she was 14. We were so shocked. There were some parents we blamed. Now she’s 17 and a teetotaller. I don’t know what we did right… or wrong.” Marie, 48.
Yesterday the NSW O’Farrell government proposed that police be given new powers making it a criminal offence to host house parties where alcohol is consumed by under-18s.
Under the plan, adults would face a maximum 12 months’ jail for supplying alcohol to any minor who is not their own child.
Police and health advocates have welcomed the proposal, saying it has to be made clear drinking ”begins at 18, not before”.
In some Australian states there is a “secondary supply law” which means it is illegal for an adult to provide alcohol to a child under 18 unless they have obtained the consent of that child’s parents.
(The Hoopla says: Spot the legal minefield here!)
Council for Civil Liberties president, Cameron Murphy says creating a new offence is a “drastic step”.
”Turning parents into criminals is not going to assist in the long run,” he said. ”Is an adult going to lose their job because they, with consent, supplied alcohol to their friend’s child?”
Good point. Does the removal of an adult from a family unit help or hinder? Will the law be equally applied to the Dad who lets kids help themselves to his cellar of Johnny Walker and aged cabernet as it will to the Mum who supplies a shopping trolley of Ruski Lemon?
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42 Responses to this article
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Vanessa May 28, 2012
I have a 15 almost 16 year old son so this is very timely for me. At present he shys from alcohol as he hates the smell of it, however I know the time will come (and it’s not far away) when he will have his first drink and acquire a taste.
We live in the country and our son’s school friends are drawn from a huge radius so parties would be quite difficult without all parents being involved in transporting.
I hope that his father and I are good role models with our social drinking and I can’t see that, other than keeping the communication going between us, we can do anymore than that. What happens in other homes that he visits is another problem all together. I believe I am more concerned that he will start smoking than drinking!
However, my son is in an unusual situation whereby his parents are both retired police officers who now own a private drug and alcohol testing business. His father now uses him to test the equipment once a week. It is all in jest…however there will certainly be a time when he puts his foot down.
I know that his peers are already experiencing sexual liasons,drinking and drug taking but for now…things seem to be chugging along nicely for us.
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WENDY GREEN May 29, 2012
I agree with you Vanessa – parents must be the role models for their children.
Thankfully, mine are all past the teenage years (youngest of 4 just turned 25) but when they were growing up I didn’t have any alcohol in the house at all; they never saw me drinking it. The same as they never heard me swear and so I managed to raise 3 boys and a girl who know it’s not polite to swear in certain company.
Going without alcohol and cigarettes is just one of the many sacrifices we have to make in order to raise the next generation well.
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Carolyn May 28, 2012
I think the new law is fantastic. Parents should be held responsible if they are going to host a party.
I have two teenage girls, 17 and 18. I have been very frank with them about alcohol and drugs.
My husband and I have told them stories about people we went to school with and University who let either or both ruin their lives and their reputation.
I have said to them, you don’t want to be the girl everyone talks about for the next week.
I would say the same to my son if I had one.
They come home from parties with tales of people embarrassing themselves, or worse.
Some of the parties they go to have security guards and parents who monitor what is going on. No one is allowed to take bags in etc. I think it’s wise that the parents are protecting themselves.
My 18 yr old doesn’t drink at all, she’s just not interested.
I don’t know what we’ve done right or if it’s just dumb luck but I do thank my lucky stars that we seem to be negotiating this tough age with only arguments about homework and a few door slams and not midnight phone calls from the police. -
Mumisphere May 28, 2012
I’m a mother to a 6yo and 2yo, so I’m a long way off! I’m really looking forward to reading parents’ responses, though, as it’s an age I’m already nervous about. I know I’ll need all the advice I can get! My son is already Mr. Social.
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Fran May 28, 2012
I’m not much of a drinker but I smoke 5 cigarettes a day on and off since I was 16, their father (been divorced for 12 years) was a heavy drinker on weekends and a heavy smoker 30 a day. We smoked around them not realizing the passive smoking effect at the time.
My daughter 27 experimented with alcohol when she was 15 didn’t like to be out of control so drinks now on rare occasions and hates smoking and does not use drugs of any kind even prescription drugs only when necessary.
My son 24 was a different story from around 16 he started smoke cigs , alcohol and party drugs. I had heart stopping phone calls from police when he crashed his car at 17 and was .08, at 18 he started using the ice drug for about 2 weeks straight (I NOTICED THAT HIS PERSONALITY CHANGED DRAMATICALLY) until I badgered (some very scary stand off in your face moments BUT STAND YOUR GROUND)him enough to admit to me he was taking it and then stopped. at 18 he smoked marijuana, drank alcohol and party drugs until he was 21, now he drinks in moderation most of the time and smokes cigis on and off.
The only advice I could give parents facing the teen years is
keep a dialogue with your children even if they roll their eyes be interested in their life but don’t lecture them just make them aware that you have an idea what there up to and how it may effect their future (IF YOU OBSERVE YOUR CHILDREN AND TAKE NOTICE ITS OBVIOUS )and how to look after themselves if something goes wrong They do grow out of it and eventually understand the harm too much of any thing can do.
Children also learn right and wrong from what their parents DO, not what they SAY, be aware of your own habits and show control around your teens at all time
LEAD BY EXAMPLE -
Nikki @ Styling You May 28, 2012
It was my son’s Y12 formal on the weekend – and yes it’s still very much about the after-party! We opened the conversation a while back as to whether he wanted to have a few drinks (which we were ok with) but he remained firm that he didn’t. His integrity is way beyond what mine was at his age – or even now! He stayed at the party until 4am, not game to drink even a softdrink as the kids who are already big social drinkers were spiking the other kids’ drinks. In his words, him and his friends watched the majority “get smashed, vomit and pass out”.
As to how the party was run and organised – amazing – and reassuring for parents.
We got a note from the parents running it, advising drop off and pick up times. The party had been registered with police and the kids had paid $15 to cover a DJ, security, food, portaloo etc. They received an armband and could not get in without it. Kids not from the school still turned up trying to get in! It was spelled out to us that drugs would not be tolerated and that parents would be called to pick up. About 10 other parents volunteered to supervise the party that was held on a property away from the Coast.
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Faith May 28, 2012
I have no idea how or why but my 17 year old has a pact with herself that she will not drink until she’s 18 (says doesn’t do drugs either..). My husband and I have always had alcohol around and I’m sure daughter has seen the consequences when her parents (well, mainly mum) spend a day in bed (very rarely I might add) in agony after a night out. She has a bubbly personality and says she gets a ‘natural high’ and doesn’t need alcohol….I take those comments with a pinch of salt as teenagers (mine anyway) tend to lie blatantly and so easily, making you begin to doubt yourself even when you have evidence of the truth and know they are lying – very weird sensation that.
How can we expect our teenagers to be any different to what we are and what the ‘trendy’ crowd does and what they see in advertising/media as sexy, fun and ‘Australian’.
This year, in support of my daughter’s pact (still have a few months to go tho with the pressures of exams/relationships/general teenagerhood cross fingers), my husband and I have removed alcohol from our diet. Keep involved in your teenager’s life, have negotiated rules in place, talk and offer insights even though you think they may not be listening, acknowledge their compromises, accept that they may have different values (but keep them safe) and that arguments are healthy and keep them busy!!
A young and hip drug and alcohol youth educator (reformed drinker) gave a lecture on this saying whatever you do, don’t make it easy for teenagers to access alcohol – don’t have the supervised party, don’t buy the alcohol for them etc. He quoted stats that showed that more young people don’t drink alcohol than do and this needs to be discussed in schools.
Support and talk. -
KayO'Sullivan May 28, 2012
Ridiculous move by O’Farrell. He should ban advertising that promotes drinking if he wants to play the tough guy. The Just Say No approach does not work. It doesn’t work for alcohol, it doesn’t work for drugs and it doesn’t work for sex.
Money for education is much better idea. -
Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right May 28, 2012
I run a website for parents of teenagers. The feedback I’ve had from parents around the country is that they are confused about what the law is (not helped by the law being different in each state). They are also concerned about what their liability is if a teen sneaks in alcohol to a party and they don’t detect it.
In NSW, for example, it is illegal to supply a minor with alcohol in a licensed premises, but it is perfectly legal to serve a child alcohol at home. You can also give another person’s child alcohol if you have permission from that child’s parent or guardian. This is called secondary supply, and it has recently been added to Victorian legislation as well (I assume that previously you did not need parental permission to serve their child alcohol in your home in Victoria).
We had a couple of kids sneak in alcohol to my daughter’s 13th birthday party. A couple more also found our household alcohol and apparently consumed some of that – it had been hidden in my bedroom at the last minute on the advice of another parent. We were not aware that any kids were drinking at this party, and did not suspect for a moment that at the ages of 12/13 it would be an issue we’d have to deal with for at least another year or so.
I wonder what our liability would be under these proposed laws? When we did not actually supply the alcohol, but it was happening under our noses, because we were naïve. As I said, a couple of years later we’d be much more inclined to think that a kid’s peculiar behaviour was due to alcohol consumption, but not at age 12/13.
A few months later another child in year 8 had a party, the parents were present, and to my knowledge they accepted that there would be alcohol and they turned a blind eye to it.
These were just a couple of the incidents in my daughter’s first year as a teenager that prompted me to start the website.
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Bananarama May 28, 2012
What is the name of your website? I am interested!
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Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right May 28, 2012
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Kim May 28, 2012
I agree with the new law if it provokes parents to think carefully about facilitating under age drinking.
At my daughters netball game, one of the girls was struggling to play because she was hungover from the night before !
My daughter is 15 and attended a birthday party some months ago where, so she told me afterwards, the security guards had searched bags and allowed one bottle of alcohol per person. I was naive and had thought that as it was a birthday party it would be a family party with friends invited. I had telephoned the parents to check my daughter had been invited but I did not even think to ask about alcohol .
I would never host a large party for my daughter – assuming the responsibility for those young lives terrifies me and whether you like it or not, you do assume a responsibility for party goers and must take steps to try and keep them safe.Teenagers will experiment, I certainly did when I was 16 – but in those days you could get into a pub easily when underage and now that is just not possible. Therefore the issue has become much more of a domestic one – which poses real problems for parents.
The other issue I think is that children these days are so much more well educated on risks and dangers than I certainly was as a teenager. I wonder whether this has inadvertantly made experimentation with alcohol and drugs more attractive.
You also can’t talk about this topic without recognising the enormous level of depression and anxiety in our teenagers today, which manifests itself in a range of behaviours from excessive drinking, to drug use through to self harm. The level of resilience in many teenagers seems to be so low and building resilience, which is not easy, protects against excesses of any sort.
Counsellors tell me the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open, discuss the consequences of excessive drinking and make sure your children know you are always there for them. I repeatedly emphasis to my daughter that she can ring me at any time if she is in trouble.
Also, Fran is right – we need to lead by example – drinking to excess as a parent sends entirely the wrong message to our children.
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Chris May 28, 2012
My son is about to turn 30. At 14 he demonstrated such enormous potential, both intellectually and musically, but he was an angry adolescent disinclined to communicate freely with me. He started smoking marijuana and over the years dabbled with an array of drugs. He dropped out of school in Year 11 and had his first major psychosis at 17. He is a diagnosed schizophrenic and there is no doubt this was precipitated by his drug use.
Like all parents I have regularly reflected on what I could have done differently. In simple terms I should have enforced boundaries from a very young age and not have been so amenable to negotiation. And above all, if your child is entrenched in damaging behavior, NEVER ENABLE!!!-
Benison O'Reilly May 28, 2012
So sad to hear about your son; it’s the reason I’m much more hardline about drugs than alcohol. Don’t be too hard on yourself, though. You can be the best parent in the world and do everything right and your kid can still go off the rails, or get depression or an eating disorder or another mental illness. My doctor husband has witnessed this situation many times. My son’s school priest actually said to the mums at Mother’s Day mass the other day: ‘You can do your best but it’s not always enough.’ I’m not even Catholic but his message resonated.
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Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right May 28, 2012
Chris that is such a sad story, and every parents’ nightmare. Thanks for the words of warning. It’s always so good to hear advice from parents who’ve been through something – what they’d do differently etc. Thank you.
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The Huntress May 28, 2012
I have still have about 4 or 5 years to go until I hit those teen years with my own son, but I did have teen step-children for 5 years. It’s such a deeply complex issue and what works well for one family, might not be appropriate for another. What I always support, however, is open dialogue at all times. Especially with my young boy I answer all questions with an honest, age appropriate answer. We recently attended a wedding where one of the guests drank until they completely passed out quite early on in the evening. They had a partner to care for them and get them home in a cab, but my son had lots of questions about that one! On the bright side, though, he hasn’t forgotten that silly lady who drank too much alcohol and was lying in the bushes in the front of the house. We honestly answer him that alcohol misuse leads to poor decisions and that bad things happen when used it’s used inappropriately, but in moderation it’s enjoyable. He’s still so young and has that unquestionable belief in mum and dad, but I hope that our openness and honesty will allow him to trust us and our advice in later years.
On another different, but relevant note, I used to work in my states major trauma unit as a RN. We ran the PARTY (Prevent Alcohol Related Trauma in Youth), which was highly successful. Once or twice a week we would bring groups of 16 year old high school students through the unit to meet and talk to patients (who had consented to take part) who had been involved in major, complex trauma that had been influenced by drugs or alcohol. It is an excellent program and certainly got brains ticking over in the kids. Showing a video of trauma is one thing, but discussing the regret of a patient who was too drunk to notice they had been stabbed, or the anger of a drink driving victim who had lost their legs was very sobering indeed.
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liza May 28, 2012
My daughter was a typical kid who played violin and sang beautifully .Montesorri kindergarten helped her develop into a gorgeous young person. Trouble seems to come when peers are having problems at home. A few of Nicole’s “mates” started to tease her and one day I found her with a kitchen knife at her wrist.I was shocked. her father was away and stupidly I took her out of that school.
Problem now is accentuated by the need to make new friends fast ! As a theatrical musician of course the crowd that she aligned with were typical “Druggies” Fun loving, and “Different”
What I think I learned all those years ago was that our children do need skills to handle teasing.
I would teach them when young to find a retort that leaves the persecutor wondering about herself !
If some one says You are stupid.Reply well you can talk when you have such big ears. Anything that empowers a kid will work .What does not work is asking why a person was so nasty etc. It just needs a quick comeback that says don’t bother with that nonsense.
By the way after all the drink and drugs I have to say thAT AS A THIRTY SOMETHING I AM REALLY PROUD OF MY DAUGHTER as she grew through experience and neither drinks or smokes today.Holds a great job and prefers not to remember that rotten time in all our lives -
Jenn Love May 28, 2012
Best advice Ive for holding a teenager party (with boys at 13 & 14) is to take their mobile phones at the door – no gate crashers & no obscene photos & then dont give the phones back to any drunk/ drugged kids. No kid will leave a party without their phone!
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Mary Watson May 28, 2012
Unfortunately I think the only way to avoid problems at a sixteenth birthday is not to have one. I have learnt by watching friends and neighbours. Even if you have a strict ‘no providing of alcohol policy ‘ they will bring it. No matter how hard you try you will not succeed in preventing the drinking.You could have SAS in black, stationed at every entrance, manned with walkie talkies and elaborate perimeter surveillance tactics and the kids will still get their hands on alcohol. They will hide it in bushes, even bury it in the backyard in the days leading up to the party. They will deposit it in the clothes dryer, stash it anywhere.They will put vodka in water bottles, strap it to their thighs or simply arrive drunk and somehow get in undetected . It is only ever a few but they spoil it for everyone. You end up having to be a policeman prowling around and worrying to death. So having heard all this, we said , ‘no’.
We have however survived 18 ‘s and 21st ‘s but even then we didn’t relax until they they were over. We did it ,however because the majority of kids are fantastic and we felt we provided a safe environment for them to celebrate. At the 18th s we didn’t provide alcohol as not everyone was 18. The 21st s were much more relaxing as everyone was legal.
They were still all hard work though.Sixteen year olds however are a problem. Where can they go to socialise if parents don’t allow them some friends at home? I think small last minute gatherings work. Parents need to be respected and applauded as they tiptoe through the minefield of the teenage years not used as scapegoats. The majority are doing their best against all odds. They don’t need added pressure.
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Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right May 28, 2012
I love your last par Mary. Most parents are trying really hard, and it’s not easy.
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Julie Morgan King May 28, 2012
If you’re not brave enough to say no to grog at an underage party, don’t have one.
As my mum used to say: “It’s not my job to be popular.”
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Mum of Adult Kids May 28, 2012
Julie, I agree with your mum.
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Benison O'Reilly May 28, 2012
My eldest son has just turned 18. What a relief! He was the youngest in all his group of friends which he of course hated. However, it was brilliant when it came time for his 18th birthday party as I didn’t have to play policewoman.
I sort of relaxed when he got to 17 and a half, around the time of Schoolies, but I never supplied him with alcohol before that. Was he drinking? Absolutely, but certainly not to excess. Drugs are a bigger worry for me.
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Aeron Winters May 28, 2012
I’m pleased to say we survived the 16th birthday party, just last month as a matter of fact, and no one had a drop to drink. Most of my daughter’s friends either don’t drink, or don’t drink to excess, so that helps. My daughter doesn’t drink, although she has had a sip of whatever we might be drinking (which doesn’t happen often…say a handful of times a year) and she doesn’t particularly like it. She has attended a few 16ths where alcohol was served but she declined. She knows what can happen if you drink to much and guys take advantage of you. (We have had some very frank discussions about what drugs and alcohol can do.) Anyway, back to her 16th. We had the party on a Saturday afternoon, which seems to put a lot of kids off of drinking, because they still have to go home for tea. She also told her friends that there would be no alcohol, and anyone who arrived with or smelling of alcohol would be sent home. Some of her friends chose not to attend…their loss. Those who did attend, had a wonderful, fun, alcohol free time…proving that you can have a good time without booze. I think part of our daughters attitude toward alcohol comes from our own example. We seldom have a drink, when we do it is usually as part of some celebration like Christmas or Australia Day and we never have more than a couple at one sitting. I think that our example is probably the most important lesson we can give our children.
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Karen May 28, 2012
I am in the warzone of underage drinking here in Mosman! The stories/evidence all around us would make your heads spin…I cannot understand why the young people find it necessary to be paralytic…do they not have any confidence at all? They all look like clones of each other anyway, so what is with the alcohol? and now we hear ectasy is on the way in for the 16 year olds. After 3 or 4 out of control parties, the last one ended up as a riot in the street, we parents are not having ANY parties ANYMORE. So now what will they do? Probably drugs up at the park! I do not know what the solution is. It’s like a competitive thing, the one upmanship about who’s done this, or that…I used to disco myself silly at rsl clubs – couldnt we get really good rave dances happening there with security etc
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sixbussas September 16, 2012
thoroughly enjoyed this thread. Last night, my 14 year old son had a small (9 all up) gathering of boys and girls. He is one of the youngest in his year and most of his friends are already 15. Of the 9 people, I knew one parent, one mother came to the door, and one rang me the day before to make sure everything was cool.
I actually made them a pretty nice sit down spread and allowed them to use the granny flat for movies. I was very surprised when I asked where the other girls were so I could serve dinner he said that they got off at the wrong bus stop. These girls are 15 and going to some boy’s house and their parents just let them make their own way? Whatever.
So they have dinner and about 45 minutes later it’s pretty loud down there, so I go ask them to pipe down. 15 minutes later, its deathly quiet and I go out to find that the girls had smuggled in a bottle of vodka and everyone but my son and another boy had downed it and were wandering the streets! My son was furious and actually cried. he couldn’t understand why they wanted to ruin everything by getting drunk. My 18 year old son drove the streets to find the two boys that were supposed to be collected from my house and returned them to the house they were sleeping at. The mother there didn’t notice and just thought they were sleepy until I rang her. I also rang the mother of the boy that nearly vomited in my son’s car. I kind of felt bad, but hey, if it was MY son doing that, I would be pissed off if I wasn’t told. One set of parents was very interested, the others didn’t really care much. Again, whatever. I have to say, This incident has happened with the youngest of my four children and we have NEVER had an issue before this. Had a 16th & 21st for my daughter and an 18th for a son. At home. Everyone was well behaved, and we were lucky!
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blue May 28, 2012
My daughter’s 21st party was fun and voted one of the ‘best of all times.’ Yes, we supplied the alcohol, food etc and had it at our home. I don’t drink so lucky I was still sober and awake when a young man decided he was ‘fine’ to drive his car home. He was not fine. He was pissed. I had to stand out on the street in the early hours of the morning arguing with this drunk young bloke about how he was too drunk to drive. He didn’t want to leave his precious car. Eventually I was able to get the keys off him with the promise that I would drive his car into our backyard and lock the gates. ( Which I did). And he came back and got the car the next day. Pretty shamefaced.
Responsibility for our own, or other people’s children, does not end when they turn 18. So, all those people with young kids, you have years and years to go yet before you have get to take a break from being the full time 24/7 responsible adult.
That young man could have killed himself or someone coming the other way. Or be devastatingly injured for life — those stats don’t seem to appear when we talk about deaths on our roads due to driving intoxicated.
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catecat May 28, 2012
One of my sons was caught drinking a can of light beer at a post-HSC gathering, literally DAYS before his 18th birthday. Others involved gave false names and had fake IDs but he told the truth. ‘The police offered him the alternatives of being charged or attending an ‘Alcohol Education’ session with a parent. I was torn between respecting his honesty and throttling him (I definitely did not supply the beer). The irony was that the ‘Parent Education’ was held at the UNSW Roundhouse, a scene of many drunken revels if there ever was one! Much of the session was devoted to educating parents about the dangers of teen drinking. Being an RN I had a fair idea already, but it was surprising and sad to see how many very young teens were present.
My ‘kids’ are now all over-18, light social drinkers and quite ‘straight edge’ about drugs (well, as far as I know anyway). Maybe this is sheer luck….I am very wary about parents getting all the credit or blame for their teenagers’ decisions. We didn’t do anything unique, just tried to talk with them honestly, set a reasonable example and have a pretty good idea who their friends were.
The biggest deterrent for 17 yr olds seemed to be P plates (in NSW, zero alcohol). They were even paranoid about vanilla essence, such was the fear of losing that precious hard-earned licence. Borrowing the car meant being 100% sober at parties- therefore watching others become boring, obnoxious or humiliating themselves after drugs/excess alcohol. This was a huge turnoff, as was knowing that they had to clean up if one of their mates threw up in our family car. I suspect that very tight budgets helped too.
Perhaps forget 16th parties as many kids of that age are just too adept at smuggling. We took the chicken’s way out – dinner out or movie with a few friends.
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Faith May 28, 2012
In my post I separated alcohol and drugs – alcohol is a drug – a mind-altering substance – just more socially acceptable.
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Carolyn May 28, 2012
Like Mary Watson – my experience it can be very difficult to prevent very determined teenagers from getting easy access to alcohol or drugs. My husband and I allowed our 15 year old to have a party and naively told him it was to be alcohol – they arrived in droves laden with cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. What shocked us was most arrived late on their own – only a few parents called us beforehand and dropped them off or collected them even though some where as young as 13 or 14years old. Some arrived and went home in taxis. Many were from prestigous private schools.
We learnt from this event that we always take our son to and collect him from any parties – we always speak to the parents who are hosting the party to ensure it is a safe environment, if not he doesn’t go.
We don’t give him access to money. If he goes to the movies, we give him a bus ticket and movie pass and feed him before he goes. If we give him cash, he and his friends pool their money and spend it on alcohol or drugs.
We are not popular with our son and at this stage are not sure it will work but we made it clear to him that we are fighting for his well being. However, our success is dependent on the parents of his friends working with us. So far so good but on talking to others I have heard some heart breaking stories from loving and caring parents who were not able to turn the behaviour around. Those parents did all the rights things but were powerless to divert their child from taking a wrong path because the views of the child’s friends held greater sway.
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dramaqueen75 May 29, 2012
I am of the belief that if you tell your under 18 year old that it is not acceptable for them to drink then they may go out and have a couple to experiment but will stop short of getting hammered- especially if you have a network of friends and other parents who take turns driving the kids to and from the parties and having them over to sleep. Yes, they may drink a bit but are unlikely to drink at dangerous levels.
If you supply your kid with a few drinks under the impression that you know how much they are drinking because you gave it to them, then you are living in a fool’s paradise. They will drink what you give them and more because they will interpret this as “permission” – they can also use the old excuse that their drink was spiked.
It is important to know where your kids are going, who is driving them and where they are staying. Communicate with other parents. I trust my kids implicitly but we have had a few times where they have pushed the boundaries a little, of course. In the end I am responsible for them and their safety and that of any of their friends who might come to my place.
I work in drug and alcohol education. I have chosen not to have parties here for my eldest kids 16, 17 and 18th birthdays, even though most of their friends are great kids I chose not to take the risk of a few kids getting themselves (and by default my family) into trouble.
I do think we have a tendency to focus on the negatives. Most teenagers are fantastic young people who are doing their best to have fun and keep themselves and their friends safe. I work with kids who we would consider “at rick” of harming themselves or being at parties where people are drinking at dangerous levels and yet many of them report that they are looking out for their friends and thinking about safety.
Kids deserve more credit but I also think it makes it easier for parents and the community to have clear laws on underage drinking that are not open to interpretation.
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dramaqueen75 May 29, 2012
Oh – I also highly recommend every parent pick up a copy of Paul Dillon’s book – “Teenagers, Alcohol and Drugs”
Read it yourself as it has great advice, information and tips and then lend it to your teenager. They will read the book as it has lots of personal stories and information – tell them it will help them with their PDHPE assignments on alcohol and drugs in year 8 & 9 (it will).
My kids now know all about the dangers of alcohol poisoning and what to do as first aid- of course we have talked about all of this ourselves but mum is not always listened to and this provides an extra voice.
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Jane Waterhouse May 29, 2012
Thank you dramaqueen75. I forgot about Paul Dillion and I will definitely get that book. I have 14 and 9 year old boys and I am looking for all the guidance I can get. All of the insightful and wise comments on this post have made me feel a little less overwhelmed and not alone with my concerns. Thank you all!
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dramaqueen75 May 29, 2012
You are welcome Jane
I work for a not for profit organisation that delivers health and drug education to schools – pre-school, primary, secondary and programs for parents. I think we do a great job. Our message dove tails with the school curriculum and the great work Paul Dillon does. Some would see us as competitors in the drug ed “marketplace” but I see us as part of the education community.His book is excellent!
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Maxxii May 29, 2012
An interesting idea about making parents responsible. When my first daughter was turning 16 she had a party at home, and there was to be no alcohol. I was at home, but kept out of their way, checking every now and then. The last time I checked, probably when they thought I had gone to bed, they had bottles of every kind of alcohol all over the place.
When I told each of the parents about the alcohol, most of them couldn’t care less.
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Mary Watson May 30, 2012
A few tips for those taking the plunge and hosting a party..
Have a couple of bouncers preferably friendly footie types who won’t threaten but are big. You don’t want guys with attitude just a presence to let kids know certain behaviour won’t be tolerated.
Have one entrance to the party. Have a guest list and a clipboard for names to be ticked off. Have someone who knows the guests to avoid impersonators.
Organize a bus to take everyone away before midnight.
Many venues supply these free if you end up at their establishments. Or ring a local bus company and organize a quote for a bus to make a couple of drop-offs at main roads or railways.Get guests to pay $5 and give them a raffle ticket when they arrive. You won’t get all the bus money but it will help.
At 11.30 turn the music down and lights up and announce bus will be leaving in 10 minutes.
Buy hundreds of those 300 ml waters and keep them on ice.
Wander around the party at intervals and excusing yourself break into groups and say ‘Sorry who asked me for some ice water?”Supply food. Mini meat pies sausages in bread, sushi, spring rolls, fish cocktails, not fancy just basic finger food.
Stay away from lollies and chicken wings or you will be finding remnants for days.
Try to avoid glass as much as possible. Have a non-alcoholic punch.
Move pot plants or put lots of sand containers around for butts.
Go into lockdown and barricade bedrooms, laundry, cellar if you have one.
Have old towels ready for spills and slippery floors.
Try to have the party outdoors even if it is freezing. Hire some heating.
This will save floorboards being pitted by 8-inch stilettos.Keep bathrooms free of clutter as there will usually be at least 6 girls in there at all times and it gets crowded.
Have the speeches early and instruct those speaking to be conscious of the fact that grandma is coming and little sister will be in the audience as well.
Put yourself in the middle of action and ask people how their parents are, as a subtle little reminder that they are under surveillance.
Organize a cleaner after the party, not before. Try to relax and remember to breathe. Good Luck
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Di Whitingi August 11, 2012
We are about to have our sons 18th birthday and have planned to have it at home.Thanks for all the tips Mary,still a little unsure about the issue of either providing minimal alcohol for light drinking -most of the guests are already 18 so they wont need permission notes.How do we monitor those that bring their own ? If we say no byo they will still bring it- do we take it off them at the door ??
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