FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE
Good evening and welcome to Lateline. I’m Emma Alberici.
On tonight’s program, we’re joined by former Liberal Party adviser Grahame Morris.
Grahame, it’s widely accepted that Tony Abbott was exposed as shallow and loose with the truth in his recent interview with Leigh Sales…
MORRIS: Can I just stop you there, Emma, Leigh is an absolute cow and I would not place any credence in her as a journalist…
ALBERICI: Hold on, I have to cut in there. Did you just call the nation’s leading current affairs journalist a cow?
MORRIS: Did I? Did I? Really? I’m sorry. That just slipped out, believe me. I apologise. It was a bad choice of words. I meant to say she was dogged. Dogged, yes that’s it.
ALBERICI: Well, can we get back to the issue about Mr Abbott’s credibility…
MORRIS: Credibility! Let me tell you, little girl that if anyone has a credibility problem, it’s that Gillard hag, who frankly should get kicked to death at the next election…
ALBERICI: Excuse me, Mr Morris. But do you think calling for the prime minister to be kicked to death is acceptable language?
MORRIS: Pardon me, Emma. That really was a misplaced metaphor. I meant to say she will face the full fury of the voters at the next election. Some of those voters may be kicking. Some may be wearing hob-nailed boots. But let me say clearly, I do not condone violence of any kind, even to women.
ALBERICI: OK, so Mr Abbott’s reputation for gilding the lily…
MORRIS: Lily? You want to talk about a lily, take a look at that skanky ‘ho Nicola Roxon. That chick badly needs some rays. At least use some fake tan, girl.
ALBERICI: Ok, I need to stop you there. I mean, really…’skanky ho’??
MORRIS: Emma, Emma, sweetheart. You’re taking me way out of context. My point is Nicola needs to take care of herself. She’s working too hard. Unlike that lazy bimbo , Pilbersek. She spends her afternoons in a ministerial office watching soaps and eating Mars bars.
ALBERICI: Mr Morris. That is ENOUGH. I have asked you onto this program to speak about the Leader of the Opposition. And you have spent the entire time making lame, sexist jokes about female ministers….
MORRIS: Emma, I must take exception to that. To say I am targeting female ministers is nonsense. Take you, as an example. You could do with a bit of meat on your bones, honey. I can hear your shoulder blades clacking from here.
ALBERICI: That’s all we have time for on Lateline. Tomorrow, another superannuated sexist Liberal Party hack gets a free kick from your ABC.
( This is a “transcript” of an imagined appearance by Grahame Morris, former Liberal Party strategist after his comment to ABC 702 radio yesterday that Leigh Sales “can be quite a “cow” during her recent interview with Tony Abbott.)
*Mr Denmore was a finalist in The Sydney Writer’s Centre Best Australian Blogs in 2012. You can read him here. Or sample his stylings on Twitter @MrDenmore