FACEBOOK: LOVE ME, LOVE MY KIDS
“Why would a woman put a picture of her child’s face – instead of her own – as her profile picture on Facebook?’
That was the question posed by Katie Roiphe in her article “Disappearing mothers” in the Financial Times.
Roiphe admitted it was probably a trivial matter, but that when a woman posts a picture her child, instead of her own face, the world sees: “… a potent symbol for the new century. Where have all of these women gone? What, some earnest future historian may very well ask, do all of these babies on our Facebook pages say about ‘the construction of women’s identity’ at this particular moment in time?”
Look, I get where she is coming from. It’s the “I’m-still-the-same-intelligent-woman-I-was-before-I-had-kids” argument.
I hear you sister. I really do.
But when people start suggesting that women should push their motherhood persona to the background, I start to worry because yet again I feel like someone is telling me that being a mother isn’t important.
According to Katie: “…the whole idea behind Facebook is to create a social persona, an image of who you are projected into hundreds of bedrooms and cafés and offices across the country. Why would that image be of someone else, however closely bound they are to your life, genetically and otherwise?”
I’ll tell you why.
If I choose to upload my children’s cherubic faces into that little profile box it has nothing to do with me freeing myself from “the burden of looking halfway decent for a picture”. Nope, I have absolutely no problem posing for the odd photo or five.
It’s about projecting a part of me that I am bloody proud of. While I am “still-the-same-intelligent-woman-I-was-before-I-had-kids”, these two little people have changed my life.
Being a parent is wonderful, overwhelming, uplifting, depressing, hilarious, stressful, expensive, enriching, and totally and utterly unrelenting.
But now I’m being told that women who choose to express this via their Facebook profile are somehow letting themselves down.
Jeeze, I better let Busy-And-Important-Husband know so he can remove the photo he has proudly on display in his Facebook profile. What will people think of him? I digress…
It was hard enough being told to conceal my motherhood in the workplace. That openly discussing parenthood with professionalism could brand me “soft”.
And it was even harder being told that I should avoid the term “working mother” because it could suggest to others I might be prone to ‘slacking off’ or less serious about my career.
In fact, I find it ironic that the title of this piece is “Disappearing Mothers”, because the one place I do see mothers disappearing is in the workplace.
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29 Responses to this article
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Keziah Hill September 18, 2012
I wouldn’t put my child’s face on social media under any circumstances. Apart from the fact they have no capacity for consent, there are crazies out there who focus on children. Having your child’s picture out there plus any personal information that you inadvertently disclose is not good security.
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Lydia September 18, 2012
I totally agree, Kezia. I really do not like the way children are seen as property – they are completely unable to consent, and we would think twice about putting an adult’s face on our page without their consent, so why do it when it’s ‘only’ our children? I don’t like the security issues either. A few years ago, a picture of my daughter was put on her cousin’s Facebook page, along with some very lurid images of other teenage girls. I was annoyed and told her to take it down. It’s not on…!
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Kaz September 18, 2012
Well, I used to change my FB profile pic reasonably regularly and once used a great close up of a kookaburra I had taken. What does that say about me??
Shall I analyse it for a few pages, how I’m “kooky” or “bird-like” or longing to spread my wings or eat goannas? Or is it enough just to say I like kookaburras and I liked the photo I’d taken? -
Jess September 18, 2012
I agree with the thought that its is ‘your’ profile not your childs, I do use photos of me with my children as my profile pic, not my kids alone though…
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Lynne September 18, 2012
Agree with Keziah. Privacy is why I rarely post pics of my kids.
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Caitlin September 18, 2012
While I was pregnant I swore I would never use a pic of my kids for my profile pic and I feel exactly the same way now the twins are 19 months. I adore them and I am proud of being a mum and I post hundreds of pics of the twins on Facebook. I just don’t make them my profile pic. Why would I? They are not me. A picture of my child is not a picture of an aspect of my identity, nor is it a picture of me as a mother, it is a picture of my child who has his or her own sweet, separate identity.
It makes about as much sense as posting a pic of my husband (not of us as a couple but him alone) and saying that it is a picture of me.
If it is so normal and just an expression of love, why don’t fathers do this? (I have seen it but it’s uncommon). I think there is something deeper at play. And it does bug me.
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beck September 18, 2012
People should feel free to post the pics they wish without it being analysed to death – whether it’s an image of themselves, their child, their food, a pet, a piece of art, or the giant wart on the bottom of their foot. In the alleged words of Freud (paraphrased): “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, FFS.”
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Steph September 18, 2012
I think you can be proud of your role as a parent and not have your child as a profile picture.
Being a parent is a massive part of my life as well, but I read, and write, and cook and craft and run and work outside the home.
I have used my children’s photos as profile pictures, but it’s something I don’t do any more- they’re not me.
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Fi September 18, 2012
Sometimes children do take over. There are moments, days and weeks where your identity is squashed. Why pretend.?Replacing your face with a child’s is a very effective status update. Where have I been, what have I been doing? It’s right there and no, it’s probably not going to be like this forever.
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Mel September 18, 2012
I must admit I was disappointed when I saw a good friend change her profile pic to a picture of her — albeit gorgeous — 1-year-old daughter. I didn’t comment out of politeness, but for reasons that are not particularly easy to articulate, I just found it, well, disappointing — maybe because I find it to be a cliche, more than anything, and it seemed at odds with my friend’s admirable individualist streak.
Think of this way – I have a 17-year-old daughter and there’s no way I’d use her mug for my profile pic and I’m sure she’d be appalled if I did. So at what age do we draw the line? When do you hand over your child’s identity or image to them instead of appropriating it for yourself? 3? 5? 12? 15?I’m not being hostile about it, just genuinely curious.
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bigwords September 18, 2012
I have too much of an ego to miss out on a opportunity to have a picture of me. I do however like to share the pic with them. xx
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MadamBipolar September 18, 2012
Seventeen is a lot different to 1.
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Nancy September 18, 2012
Talk about a paranoid judgemental lot. Social media means people can do whatever they like, but there are so many saying “you shouldn’t”, “I’d never” like somehow there is something Freudian going on if you post a pic of your child. Lisa, totally in agreement about your take on it all. Post a pic, don’t post a pic, whatever, people who are uptight about this need to let it go.
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Amy September 18, 2012
Um, my Facebook profile is not and will never be ‘my identity’. It’s a tool. One I use to keep in touch with a few out of town friends and family. The day my personality, identity or soul is reduced to a picture on a website is the day I convert to Amish. So what if my profile pic is my kids? It’s an easy way to share that photo with family. My security settings are tighter than fort Knox and everyone who can see it knows damn well I don’t look like a two year old boy so what’s the problem?
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blu-k September 18, 2012
I feel a bit disappointed when friends post their kids as their profile, even though I generally love to see their kids photos. Why? Because much as I love their kids, I’m friends with the mother. No worries if it’s them and the kid, but I have a few friends who haven’t posted one profile pic of themselves since they had kids.
Oh, and I’m a mother btw, so I understand the pride factor … -
blu-k September 18, 2012
But now I think about it, I need to get over it. If I have a problem with my friends ‘disappearing’ I need to talk to them about it in person, not just overanalyse their profile!
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Janet Campbell September 18, 2012
It reminds me of an expression in Bridget Jones’ Diary – smug marrieds
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The Huntress September 18, 2012
No, I would not use a photo of my son as my FB profile.
Why? Because I am me and being a mum is just one of many of my facets. I am also a nurse, a student, a wife, a friend and the list goes on. I am not defined by my (wondeful) son. I am me, defined by many, many things.
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Lisa Lintern September 18, 2012
Definitely not suggesting we should all start furiously uploading photos of our kids to our profile pic (as cute as they may be). It is, as many of you have expressed, not for everyone. But what spurred me to write this is the suggestion that women who do choose to express their motherhood are somehow ‘letting themselves down’. A theme I have picked up in the workplace, the dinner party and now on Facebook.
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Housegoeshome.com September 18, 2012
OK, I’m off to change my profile pic now. it’s a pic of my daughter in face paint and I suddenly feel I’m betraying the women’s movement and exposing her to dirty old men simultaneously. World gone mad.
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Em September 18, 2012
I was & am determinedto never do it & I have a 1 & 3 year old. I understand the temptation & frankly I’m not looking my best due to exhaustion, sleep deprivation & lack of any kind of beauty regime. Think I’ll find a pic about 4 years old to put up
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Kage September 18, 2012
Personally, I would separate the two points. The notion that women need to play down the fact that they’re mothers and the practice of using your child a profile pic.
I’m in my 40′s and childless by choice, but have many friends with kids and of course realise it’s a huge part of their identity. I enjoy kids; I like hearing about them, getting to know them and watching the next generations come through. I believe kids are the whole point of it all. Why else are we here if not to nurture the next generation to be better than the last?
The pressure on women to suppress this part of their life away from the home is ridiculous, and yet another double standard – witness the different way new dads are treated in the workplace.
Profile pics I don’t care about. People use all sorts of pics for their profile (guys using cars – what’s that about?). I don’t think it means anything, except maybe some people are more camera shy than others. It can get difficult if I’m trying to find an old friend, or someone’s trying to add me, and there’s no pic to verify the person, but that’s not often an issue anyway.
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beck September 19, 2012
Disclaimer: I have four kids aged from teen to toddler.
I think the words we use to describe parenting are interesting – a word such as “identity”, for example. My children aren’t part of my identity; they’re part of my responsibility. They have their own identities, and I have mine. The responsibility for their development and welfare is mine, but it is not “me”. They are from me, but not me. Yet I love them more than myself.
Maybe blurring this aspect is where that line gets crossed and people begin living through their children.
I have always worked full-time, and in my workplaces I’ve always talked about my kids, my work, my hobbies, my whinges, and the like. I guess part of navigating these types of work conversations has a lot to do with acknowledging the interests of the person you’re talking to – finding common ground and not boring them to tears, whether it’s with a story of your trip to NZ or a story of your two-year-old’s latest cute saying.
That said, I have faced *significant* difficulty in workplaces because of my responsibility to my kids. Being a person who has to balance a full-time career and the responsibility of raising children is monstrously tough and hideously expensive, and the pain is exacerbated by bosses and colleagues who confuse caring for vulnerable people as an identity, rather than a responsibility.
And this is exactly the same experience for those who care for other vulnerable people, such as an adult living with a disability, or an aged person in need.
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Rhoda September 19, 2012
I think the ‘letting yourself down’ feeling comes from the echo you hear from feminists who have struggled for a century and a half now to get women out of the house and into the world where they can stand as equals with men.
Because motherhood is an option these days, the perception in some quarters is that a mother who works has made her own bed. And so you have to ‘conceal your motherhood’ from them. Ironic isn’t it.
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beck September 19, 2012
Rhoda, You have completely hit the nail on the head:
“Because motherhood is an option these days, the perception in some quarters is that a mother who works has made her own bed.”
I’ve even had as much said to me, a multitude of times. “Can’t work a late shift? You’re the one who chose to have kids.”-
Elizabeth September 20, 2012
I work and I make my own bed…oh, that’s not what you meant!
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beck September 19, 2012
Rhoda, You have completely hit the nail on the head:
“Because motherhood is an option these days, the perception in some quarters is that a mother who works has made her own bed.”
I’ve even had as much said to me, a multitude of times. “Can’t work a late shift? You’re the one who chose to have kids.”
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helenbea September 19, 2012
Facebook profile pics ‘hide’ many people’s faces, not just women with children. The fashion for a lot of the younger generation is to show half a face, wear huge sunglasses, blur the image etc. Ah yes! The mystery of life!
You can be Minnie Mouse, Sylvester the Cat, your dog, cat…in fact whatever alter ego appeals to you.What I have noticed is how many women have profile pictures with another woman. I probably notice this more because I’m gay. Are they married with a female lover on the side? There are no labels to indicate who’s who..
I have wondered more why they do that rather than questioning the pic of offspring. If I had a public facebook page, I would not post pictures of children.I feel it all comes to the same thing…people don’t necessarily want full exposure and/or they want a picture of something that interests them. I think the pic of an alter ego is interesting…let’s people know where you’re at.
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Cath September 20, 2012
Oh my, what would that make of me. Mine is Guernica!
