We’re all quite happy to talk about what diet we’re on if the question arises: the Paleolithic Diet, the Atkins Diet, the 5:2 Diet, the Whole Foods Diet…but we never talk about the secret diet.
This is the one we all wind up on when time is pressed, there’s no chance of getting to the supermarket and we’re working so hard we don’t have time to cook.
This is the Real Person’s Diet- the one we never tell our friends about in case they think we’re some sort of animal.
If I was asked to do one of those fancy “What I Ate This Week” columns in a magazine, no-one would publish it.
Why? Because I’d be honest.
I don’t diet and I don’t always look after myself. I eat like a normal person most of the time and like a freak the rest of it. No-one would publish that, because these days we live in such an uptight, prissy world that the tut-tutting about my appalling refusal to be obsessed with my health would be classed as a crime.
So, for the curious, this is how I truly ate last week.
Breakfast: Oooh, look at that. Leftover Indian takeaway from three days ago. Extra hot rogan josh and pea pulao? Why the hell not? And don’t give me that crap about takeaway not being a breakfast food-your stomach doesn’t know what time it is.
Mid-morning snack: It’s a busy day and there’s no time to take a break. The thought of preparing a snack to take with me before I left the house didn’t occurred to me because I was, well, getting ready to leave the house, not trying to be Martha Stewart.
So I rummaged around in my handbag and found some almonds down the bottom-not wrapped in anything, mind you, but there they were. Score! A quick dust off and down the gullet they went. And yes, of course they had germs on them.
I am fairly sure this is what people mean when they talk about activated almonds.
Lunch: Four dim sims. Yes, the shop I bought them from also sold salad. Yes, I had enough time to order something hot and tasty like a stir fry with vegies. But I didn’t. You know why?
Because I really wanted four dim sims. With soy sauce. Which I spilled on my trousers.
Late night snack: Belted down some frozen corn and peas before heading to bed. I even heated them up in the microwave. I am that fancy.
Late lunch: Woke up early, started work, didn’t eat until 3pm. Even I realised that I needed something substantial by that point. I cooked a big lunch: pasta, a tin of tuna, some grated cheese, frozen peas and pepper. That covers all the five food groups, I think you’ll find.
Dinner: Livened things up and ordered takeaway. Thai vegie curry and rice.
Breakfast: There was leftover Thai in the fridge. Need you ask?
Lunch: Dim sims again. I really, really like dim sims.
Dinner: I could make something up here and say I ordered take away, or grabbed a soulvaki, or went out for dinner, but the truth is, I ate Burger Rings again. I followed that up with two glasses of wine and the rest of the lolly snakes. I dare you to tell me that isn’t a three course meal.
Breakfast: A pretty exciting morning. Fossicking through the freezer I discovered a loaf of banana bread I’d made a month ago. Four pieces of that with butter and I was ready to face the day.
Dinner: Was still working, so ate something that vaguely resembled a curry from a food van on the way to a gig. It stayed down, so I’m assuming it was food.
Breakfast: Banana bread! I am pretty frickin’ pleased with myself for finding that.
Lunch: had to fly interstate for work, so ate on the plane. Not exactly sure what I put in my mouth. Bread? With something brown in it?
Dinner: Some dips and biscuits backstage before the gig. OK, a lot of biscuits and dip before the gig which then repeated on me while I was performing.
Various iterations of banana bread, pasta with tuna, clean almonds I found in the pantry and cups of tea. Oh! And some home grown peaches my next door neighbour gave me, which were, beyond a doubt, the healthiest thing I put in my body all week.
Of course I don’t eat like this all the time. I’d have scurvy if I did.
But we all have those weeks when we’re either too busy, too lazy or just too damned over the whole thing to eat well. I don’t feel guilty when I eat like this and I’ll be buggered if anyone is going to shame or frighten me into not doing it.
I know all the lectures: I will die of cancer, or a heart attack, or cancer, or liver disease, or cancer, or diabetes, or cancer. Or piles.
You gotta die of something. At least in my case, it won’t be boredom.
What do you eat, honestly, during a busy day or week?
MORE STORIES BY CORINNE GRANT
*Corinne Grant is a stand-up comedian, MC, presenter, writer and broadcaster and has performed both nationally and internationally. In addition to her years on Rove Live and The Glasshouse, she has appeared on everything from Spicks and Specks to Dancing With The Stars to Good News Week. She has co-hosted successful national radio shows, performed countless solo live shows and appeared everywhere from the Sydney Opera House to the Kalgoorlie Arts Centre. Corinne’s first book, Lessons In Letting Go: Confessions of a Hoarder (Allen and Unwin) was released in September 2010 and went into reprint just months after its release.