Listen up ladies! I have been married for 10 years this week to Mr Woog.
And oh, have we had some fun. And some wonderfully bumpy times interspersed with laughter. As we enter the next phase of our nuptials (the one where the breeding has ceased) we face new challenges in our relationship.
Challenges such as ageing parents, the fact that our kids are not the complete geniuses we thought they were and the early onset of the male mid-life crises.
I have thought long and hard about how we need to tackle the next decade and have come up with some pointers which I would LOVE to share with you.
Please let me emphasise here that I am no relationship guru, and this advice might be the worst on record but it is something that I have given a lot of navel gazing* wonderment to.
So with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, let us begin.
1. Women may seem complex creatures but underneath the myriad of mixed messages we like to give out, there is one thing we will continue to notice and that is if you do not put your plate in the dishwasher. By leaving your plate on top of the dishwasher, you are telling us that you do not value our time and eventually we will put it in the dishwasher. Your mamma might have let you get away with this 20 YEARS AGO, but be a pet and pop your brekky plate in the machine? I promise it will not emasculate you. It is just the proper thing to do.
2. Ok, so say we have had dinner and the kids are all tucked up into bed. This might be the time when I want to sit next to you on the couch and have a little catch up. This time suits me. I am aware that no time suits you. Let’s get this over and done with. If you continue to watch television and grunt at me, I will become frustrated and go off in a huff and remind you about this later in the evening which invariably you will not be able to recall because you were too busy watching sport on TV. Just turn the TV off for six minutes. That is all I need to dump my mundane day into your brain and for you to pat me on the head and ask me to fetch you a beer, which I will happily do because I think you have been listening to my drivel.
3. Reading minds is a gift that women seemed to have a more heightened sense of accuracy of than men. When I expect you to read my mind, I will look at you quizzically, one eyebrow raised and head slightly tilted. If you panic, ask me what I am thinking. I may or may not tell you the truth but I will be impressed that you care.
4. Relationships are all about compromise. You are never going to get your own way all of the time, or any of the time for that matter. Compromise comes into play with regards to weekend activities, time spent patting your motorbike, time spent with the extended family and which takeaway we should have. In a healthy relationship, small rewards can come in the way of giving in and letting your partner make the decision, with no strings attached. This is why we had Indian last week. You are welcome.
5. Plan something. Just anything. Book a babysitter and take me to a movie (but let me choose the film). Surprise the family with a weekend away or just come home, grab the vacuum cleaner and take your shirt off. Now that is a sexy treat! Be spontaneous. You will have YEARS in the nursing home reading the paper from cover to cover. Replace the toilet roll and NOT come and announce that you did it.
1. Shag. I know it sounds simple but get on board the shaggin’ wagon. Not only does it make your man love you like a crazy beast, but it counts as cardio and burns 4 Weight Watchers points for every 15 minutes completed.
I hope you have found some of my tips helpful. I would love to hear if you have any to add.
How do you keep your relationship ticking over?
*Please note that I am lying here. It has been six years since I have seen my navel.
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*About Mrs Woog: “I can be found in the laundry, folding laundry, sorting laundry and dropping off the dry cleaning. I am mum to two boys, boss of my husband and master of a cat and two guinea pigs. Come nightfall, I watch TV while tweeting which drives Mr Woog insane. I like to read cookbooks and eat out. During my waking hours I ferry kids around in the Mazda while drinking takeaway coffees and listening to talkback. I think about going to the gym every day. I used to work in the publishing industry before I realised it was nothing like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld made out like it was. Now I write this blog. And I never get writer’s block. It is a gift I have.”