DEAR BEST FRIEND, YOU’RE DUMPED
I never should have let it get to this. There were plenty of tell-tale signs after all.
The differences of opinion, the contrasting takes on life; I’d find something funny, she would sit still and sigh.
But it became ever more apparent as I would strike a whinge to husband on return from a night out with said friend.
“How’d it go?” he would inquire on my return.
My replies must have sounded like an old ’45 stuck on a scratch: “You wouldn’t believe what she said!” or “She’s never ready when I pick her up” or “She’s so self-absorbed!”
The friendship started out and evolved like any other. We enjoyed mutual interests, worked in the same industry, enjoyed the company of each other’s partners and, over time, shared a number of experiences together – the stuff of which friendships are founded on, right?
But after a while, the cracks started to appear.
It was like her little nuances that for so long seemed somewhat amusing and idiosyncratic had suddenly crescendoed from an inconsequential hum to a grating bloody roar.
Suddenly, the princess behaviour, the fact that everything is always on her terms, her forgetting your birthday but expecting a big hoo-hah on hers every year, spilling the beans on something you told in confidence, well, started to peeve-big time.
But still, I continued to socialise with her. It’s tricky with mutual friends.
While it’s not good for the soul to bitch and moan about your “mates” behind their backs when they’ve rubbed you the wrong way, I needed to vent my angst and so found myself in a state of internal turmoil, a kind of cognitive dissonance. I am here with you but I don’t want to be.
Hanging out with someone I had grown tired of within a group situation served up a conundrum.
Do I stop going out with the group and miss spending time with others just to avoid said frenemy, or just head out with all as a group and keep frenemy at arm’s length?
Of course, I am not saying I am blameless here; that I am the flawless one whose exemplary qualities extend from Karratha to Kununurra.
Far, far from it. In fact, I’m convinced it was my shift that brought about our demise.
I’ve been around long enough to know that while it’s a special thing to share experiences over time with friends, as we continue to grow, evolve and find our place in this world, sometimes we have a friend who just doesn’t deliver the goods anymore. Sometimes, their company fails to hit the mark, they take the mick a little toooo much or sometimes, they’ve pissed you off countless bloody times to warrant any further effort!
Enough is enough.
And so I took my stand. I stopped the calls and politely declined the offers – hypocrisy isn’t in my back pocket anymore.
I think it is for the best, and I think you do too. It’s ok, I’m not saying we have to be enemies or anything.
I’m just not that into you anymore.
Ever dumped a bestie? Why and how did you go about it?
RELATED ARTICLES
*Samantha Whiteley is a freelance writer based in Perth
19 Responses to this article
-
Benster June 29, 2012
Going through this now with a newish friend but we seemed to really hit it off. Then it became increasingly one way – moving furniture, lending money, picking up from doctor’s appointments, but never available when I needed anything such as landing in hospital with a fractured skull – but still fun when we went out together or with spouses. Crunch came when we socialised with mutual friends. Everything I said or did was under attack, from the school I send my kids to, to my
opinions. I don’t have space in my life for this and plenty of other friends who appear to like me. Cross that one off the list. -
ally June 29, 2012
Some people hang on to friendship despite the friendship going past its used by date as they see failing in a friendship as a failure – I am not one of these people. For me it is not healthy to hang on to a ‘friend’ that makes me feel bad about myself particularly when I am going through a major crisis.
I am currently going through a period of change, after the death of my father, which includes culling people (ex friends!) who don’t make me feel good. This attitude is causing issues for mutual friends and my partner but it makes me feel better.
I have done this a few times in my life – the key to this change is not to hold on to the anger but to see it as an opportunity where you have more free time to do what you what to do and be open to new opportunities to meet new people and strenghten friends with others that make you feel good.
As to the ex friends I wish them well but wish myself even better.
-
tracey June 29, 2012
I’ve done it! A few times! – and I’m sooooo not proud of the way I’ve gone about it. I let my frustrations run too long and then just stopped being available – avoided them, stopped returning calls, stopped returning emails and when they’ve left messages trying to find out what’s happened, ignored them. It takes a lot of guts to say to someone ‘I’m sorry, I do not want to be friends anymore’ because what I’m really saying is ‘I don’t like you (anymore)’.
I think the best way/most respectful way to deal with a relationship that’s headed for the rocks is to speak up/address it at the early signs of when the relationship is starting to divurge – rather than hoping it’s an anomoly.
-
Sad June 29, 2012
I was dumped by friend of 30 years with no explanation! Very hurtful and it took a long time for me to move on. Wish I knew why but probably never will. People change and life moves on but would like to know what I did wrong.
-
Debbie June 29, 2012
What happens when they don’t get the hint – when stopping the calls and declining the offers leads to a direct question – what do you do? What words do you use.? Tracey, did you really say to someone “I’m sorry, I do not want to be friends anymore?” because I know I will be asked soon … the friend I’m dealing with has a history of major blow-ups with people when she decides they are hateful.
-
tracey July 3, 2012
Hi Debbie – no, I was too gutless. I wish I did have the courage (despite my concern about the sub-text) because if you peel everything else away – at the core is that I don’t want to be friends anymore. Hard to say, hard to hear – but at least both sides get some clarity.
-
-
The Huntress June 29, 2012
A timely article. I have recently lost 2 friends – one who I was only friends with out of respect for my husbands friendship with her partner and the other my long time best friend. Both came about as I had a terrible illness over a long period of time and neither could understand how ill I was and misinterpreted it as a slight on our friendships. I was devastated that after so many years I was treated with such disdain and scorn when I was honestly doing the best I could. It still hurts painfully and while I’m still in recovery from my illness I am petrified of ever getting so unwell ever again – not just because of the sickness, but for fear of losing more people in my life.
-
Kelly June 29, 2012
I love this topic – it happens to so many of us.
I’ve often felt guilty when I’ve tried to cull a friendship and the person in questions pursues the relationship, despite my many declined invitations. Somehow, I’ve felt guilty in the past and spent time with them out of “duty” (which I strongly believe should only be reserved for family!).
Recently, I saw the light and was able to tell a so-called friend in a compassionate way that I was too busy with things in my life to devote time to the friendship and she should find someone who could value her the way she ought to be valued.
It received a good response, because it was the truth. -
Judith Rubbish June 29, 2012
I am feeling guilty as I am one of those “friends” that just stopped all contact. To me it was obvious that our friendship couldn’t continue, but years later, I’m wondering did she really not realise too. It was a sad time, and more sad things happened, and we all react to situations so differently. But, still not sure if I could, or would want to, make contact again, hence the guilt.
-
Ro. Watson June 29, 2012
I like the subtleties and quick get out of here emotions of this article~ sometimes reactivity in contradistinction to responsiveness~ is a good thing~ but here is a suggestion for free~ second -guessing how your relationship is with someone else through a third party’s interpretation may distract, confuse and detract from your core feelings about your sometimes best friend and who you actually are and what you may need to dwell in and on in your daily life.
-
Vanessa June 29, 2012
A bit O/T but I once tried to start a friendship with a woman I had met quite a few times through another friend. She sat me down one night and told me that she couldn’t be my friend as she had enough friends and didn’t have time to start a new one. I was a bit taken aback but in hindsight…how wonderful that she had the guts to do that. How very sensible of her.
Now about the breaking up thingy – I am coming to terms with the loss of a great friend who’s business has gone through the roof and become global making her and her husband very rich. We used to do the Op Shop thing and spend many hours together exercising and having coffee but now…nothing. If I ring her, she has to check her calender to see if she has time to fit me in for half an hour. Last time we spent time together it was at the local show and she was dressed beautifully and I felt so daggy next to her. I am no longer ringing her and apparently she hasn’t noticed. Very sad…for me apparently.
-
KathyA June 29, 2012
Have just had a break up & was pretty horrible. I tried to ignore all the little jibes said as ” jokes” lack of concern when my mother died & other me me behavior until one day just said I didn’t like the way she spoke to me. Ended up in a big argument & we haven’t spoken since. Would have been nicer I think if we could have just drifted apart.
-
Elly July 1, 2012
I am at the point where I’ve been not returning calls and ignoring emails with someone who was my friend and even my bridesmaid a few years ago. Things started to turn bad last year when she proclaimed that she’d never go through IVF at the time my husband and I were (and she knew this).
I found that hurtful and not really that supportive but decided everyone was entitled to their opinion. Turns out she was in the early stages (read four weeks) of a relationship and had just found out she was pregnant.
What also hurt was that she’d exclaimed more than once that it would be difficult for her to also fall pregnant once she’d found Mr Right as she had medical problems. That’s what she’d also told Mr Just Met (just around the same time she fell pregnant). I’m angry on so many levels with her.
Now we’ve been invited to her wedding and child’s christening (a day apart at Christmas time) and we just don’t know how to get out of it. To me it’s always all about her. Even sending a save the date six months before the wedding (on the Sat) and christening (on the Sun) makes it all completely about her. I especially don’t want to go to the christening as it reminds me that of the child we will never have (oh did I mention the christening is at church within walking distance of our home?).
-
Judith Rubbish July 1, 2012
To Elly, I can tell from your post that you are a lovely, caring and sensitive individual. Go with your intuition, prior to her suggesting “save the dates”, you already knew deep down that you had to sever ties with her. Two events that are essentially about her, and one of them in particular, understandably, will be extremely painful to you. Don’t go, just send a written reply, thanks for the invitation but we are unable to attend, you do not have to give a reason. I really feel for you because, you still care about her feelings, when she showed you no support at an incredibly difficult time. Forget her, concentrate on the life you and your partner can look forward to, so what if she was your bridesmaid, either she didn’t deserve to be, or has changed too much to ever be important in your life now.Go away on that weekend, spoil yourself and then you won’t be just around the corner!!!
-
Annie from Faulco July 2, 2012
I lost contact with my best friend several years ago after being told two totally different versions of a conversation between her husband and my late husband about who should be invited to our home for Christmas Day.
Her husband had enjoyed our “tradition” of just the four of us, and did not want additional guests, although they were known to and previously liked by him.
My husband asserted our right to invite whomever we wished to our place.
My husband was then maligned to mutual friends by my best friend and her husband.
Untrue remarks about my husband were subsequently attributed to the same friends who said that they were asked to verify my best friend’s opinion and declined to do so.
My husband was understandably distressed but supported my right to maintain my friendship if I chose to do so. He thought that the longevity of the friendship was worth more than a temporary glitch.
I disagreed with him and made a brief visit to her and exchanged house keys.
I acknowledge her loyalty to her husband, and that truth is often the first casualty when other agendas intervene. I feel sad that she had to make a choice between her husband and our friendship.
I grieve every day for the loss of my wonderful man. I also grieve for the loss of a wonderful friendship with a good woman who may be in the thrall of of a man whose dysfunctionality diminishes her life.
I hope that we may become friends again.
Also, a final thought, segueing from my initial Christmas reference.
Christmas is supposed to be a happy time for friends and families. Avoid the “compulsory” people and choose your friends and the celebration you’d all like.
Take a picnic to Taronga Zoo. The place is deserted, because everyone thinks it’s closed on Christmas Day, so they have to go and endure a miserable day with appalling rellos when they could have the second-best view of the harbour. Giraffes have an unfair advantage in having the best view. Great opportunity to meet overseas tourists who ignore the misconception that it’s closed.
-
Penny Flanagan July 2, 2012
I have been thinking about this recently too. It must be an age thing. I don’t so much dump people as just put them in the cupboard for a while…
http://ediblegarbage.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/friendship-cupboard.html -
Hawkesbury Lass July 9, 2012
Hmmm. Dunno. Some of what is being said here is terribly Mean Giris: “sometimes we have a friend who just doesn’t deliver the goods anymore”???
How about before you do that, or put someone in the “friendship cupboard”, you take the time to explain what they’ve done. They may not wish to fix it, you may have a fight, but that’s better than passive-aggressively shunting someone to where you want them.
A good friendship is a relationship, and an exchange. If someone has been your friend you should at least give them one chance to live up to your expectations of them. And if someone really has hurt you, you owe it to yourself to tell them why.
-
Georgia October 20, 2012
I recently dumped my best friend after over a year of being messed around and taken for granted.
Our friendship was always on her terms, and she was very possessive of me; I felt I could never do anything right.
Last year she got a boyfriend, and for the first couple of months everything was as it should have been. Slowly, though, she started cutting me and her other friends off. I battled to try to make her see what she was doing; her life revolved around her boyfriend. I also had and still have a boyfriend at this time and I’ve made sure that I see my friends on a regular basis – in fact, I see them more than I see him.
Over this time I’ve watched her grow bitter and cold hearted. Her boyfriend treats her really badly, and she’s come running to me a few times. I’ve always been there without question. I’ve offered to see her, only to be let down time after time and verbally abused.
The reason I told her I’d had enough was because I was ignored for months by her, until something went wrong. I was expected to always be around, always available. Every time, after helping her out and being ignored for days, I told her how I was feeling about her friendship. She didn’t want to know and instead started attacking me, my relationship and my friendships. In the end, it actually made me ill – I’ve lost so much weight due to the stress of wondering what I could do to help her, or when she’ll wake up and see what’s she’s doing. I’m currently at college and this has affected my attitude towards work massively. I haven’t gone to bed without crying for months.
She’s put her whole life on hold for this man, and has made some stupid decisions that could ruin her life in the future. I’ve saved her from screwing up when I can (when she’ll listen to me) but ultimately she can’t see that she’s alienating everyone and is left with a boyfriend who doesn’t really care about her.
So, in the end I’ve had to walk away. I’ve told her exactly how I feel, only for her to dismiss my feelings as ‘complete s***’, and tell me that I’ve never done anything for her. I feel really guilty, even though I know it was the right thing to do; I couldn’t deal with her constant problems and inability to try to sort out her life herself.
