THE DATING PROJECT #9. A FAREWELL
The Dating Project follows the adventures of three women Lou Lou (30s), Astrid (40s) and Iris (50s) as they navigate the tricky online dating scene. Today we farewell Iris and welcome Eloise. Along the way they have the support and advice of renowned sex therapist Bettina Arndt and relationship counsellor Rob Tiller.
It’s been a good week for Astrid who’s enjoying her first email exchange but pondering whether this means she should stop fishing and cut bait.
What’s the etiquette here? Is she being unfaithful if she keeps kissing?
Meanwhile, Lou Lou has been straying a little from internet dating, with a fascinating encounter with an actor in a bar. The trouble was she failed to pull her punches and the poor man seems to have wilted under her barrage of honest advice.
And sad news. We’ve lost Iris. As you might have guessed, she’s been finding the project heavy going and now she’s pulled the plug. She’s decided none of the men on offer meet her fancy and she’s had enough of internet dating. She plans to return to her real world and we wish her the best of luck.
Iris: “Last gasp.”
It’s been a very hectic week in the virtual kissing department. I’ve been kissed 19 times and have kissed 16 times. I don’t know if I’m being fussy, but I have not wanted to make further contact with any of the 19 kissees! I think, though, that I am entitled to be fussy, choosy and particular – why shouldn’t I be? I’m sure most people have better things to do than sit and watch their computer screens to see who is looking at their profiles, and then wondering if they are going to send a kiss.
Nothing real is happening unfortunately! I say unfortunately, but I’m not sure that I mean that. I have been on my own for many years now and wonder if I really do want or need someone to interrupt my peace. One of the responses I received after sending a kiss was: “I would be very open to a friendship.” What does that mean exactly? Do I send an email saying “Hello, friend”? I just don’t get all this.
I’m starting to feel pressured into just making contact with someone for the sake of making progress. So I’ve decided I would prefer to go on “playing it real” and see what happens. Maybe if it hasn’t happened yet, it wasn’t meant to be.
Rob says: Dear Iris, best wishes as you step out of The Dating Project and back into your normal life. It seems like the timing may not have been right for you, fair enough. It can be an overwhelming experience for someone settled in the single life suddenly receiving a deluge of positive attention from the opposite sex. It’s been fun having you in the team.
Moving on, we’ve decided to invite one of our many volunteers to take Iris’s place.
We’ve had so many wonderful letters from women eager to be part of the dating project. The choice wasn’t easy but we wanted someone in her fifties who, like the rest of the team, is just getting her first taste of internet dating.
Meet Eloise…
| Page 1 of 4 | next >> |
33 Responses to this article
-
Ray July 6, 2012
Go for it Eloise!!
A grandma who drinks? – they all do!!!!
Only the Grannies don’t and they’re not worth dating.
Most of the grandmas make sure that there is no sick on their clothes before you meet them. I remember, as a youth, thing that Grandmas were wrinkly old dears who smelt of perfume and had powder everywhere. That they would date at that age seemed inconceivable!! Bring it on – now that I am their vintage it is all so different. -
Ray July 6, 2012
Astrid I agree with Bettina. Don’t stop kissing others until you are pretty sure that Plan A has real potential. Plan B, C D etc can all fall over so quickly so it is a jiggling act!! I wonder whether a good time to stop ‘juggling’ is after you have been intimate with A and found the experience a winner? Surely so.
-
Dionne July 6, 2012
..and ‘Plan A’ having demonstrated he is someone you can trust and respect!
-
Ladylikestodance July 6, 2012
Astrid, no you are not being unfaithful if you keep kissing others. This is a numbers game and you have no idea how it will pan out when you actually met the gent. It may work or it may fizzle, and you have invested time. My advice is to not fall into the trap of emailing too long and establishing an emotional connection. A few emails is ok. Then press for the 3D eyeball to eyeball meet/drinks.
And yes, if you do sleep with Plan A and are intent on continuing, and both have agreement on exclusivity – then yes I would take my profile down and give it all my attention.Iris, the success rate is approx 1%, and at 50+ it is more difficult, it is time consuming and can be demoralising.
But what are the other choices?
I mingle in the real world, I go out and socialise but – it has not happened yet, at least this way I’m increasing the odds. I don’t want to be by myself. I have recruited a great social network thru RSVP using the kiss “open to friendship”. I have people to go out with; dinners/dances/theatre etc., all single and all know implicitly the highs and lows of online dating.
My theory is that as long as I circulate then fate will have a chance of delivering me a compatible partner. Not everybody online wants to have a full on intimate relationship – there are many types of relationships. I’m happy that I have gathered some really nice gents, who are my platonic mates.Eloise, wow a Glam-gran, love it.
Your energy leaps of the page, are you in Sydney, strewth the competition is bad enough! -
Bettina Arndt July 6, 2012
Yes she is in Sydney. And I am sure she will do very well. Can’t wait to see what happens!
-
Anne July 6, 2012
Iris, I’ve valued reading about your experiences and would love you to rethink your last comment. “If it hasn’t happened yet” surely does not mean “it wasn’t meant to be”. It just hasn’t happened yet. Warm wishes for a rich fulfilling future.
-
Kristen July 6, 2012
Best of luck Eloise.Glam Ma! I look forward to following your adventure.
-
Chris July 6, 2012
As Astrid has left the scene, a tad pointless commenting except to say that she did appear to be too picky and was not aware that “the numbers game” changes significantly in the male’s favour, once the grand young age 50 is reached. As an aside, can one believe the number of rsvp women who say they are 49 years old. On the other hand, men are the best age fibbers going around.
I’d suggest Plan C is a minimum (ie 3 women going at the same time) as it is indeed a numbers game. Once ahem, intimacy has got underway, I strongly recommend that:-
(a) Plan B & C are dropped but oh so gently ; and
(b) if horizontal sumo (it could be vertical or at 45 degrees – if the latter…..well done and take a break from the gym !!) continues, take down your respective profiles. If this doesn’t happen, ask the other party why as it may very well suggest a lack of the dread “C” word………..commitment!!!!All of the above info is provided on the basis that I’m in a serious relationship of 18 months standing but prior to that, was on rsvp for 5 years approx.
-
Eloise July 6, 2012
Thanks Ladylikestodance! Great to hear what you say about having made new friends to go out with. I LOVE dancing, so might bump into you on the dance floor one night. Keep on circulating. Eloise
-
Bettina Arndt July 6, 2012
Just to clear up the confusion, it is Iris who has left rather than Astrid, who is confidently seeking Plans A, B and C!
-
Louisa July 6, 2012
I have used a number of different dating sites. Eharmony was expensive and time consuming but that’s how I met my current partner when I really was 49. He was outside my age range and a scientist whereas I am in human services but he said something very touching in his profile about his grandchildren so I decided to open a conversation with him. Having said that, and I have posted here before, okcupid is the best. It is free and fun and has been highly successful for friends and friends of friends.
-
Chris July 6, 2012
As a jaded veteran of Internet dating, been on there for years, now 60+, I could count on one hand the number of dates i’ve had but I believe eharmony has the more serious people who are genuinely looking for a partner.
I’ve accepted the fact that I’m probably going to be alone forever and it’s not the ideal but it’s OK.
I agree that it’s a numbers game but I think I’m too ambivalent to play it. I find dating exhausting and stressful, not “fun” as others seem to think it is but maybe that’s just me..
I’m very much enjoying living vicariously through the ladies in the project and it’s a shame Iris threw in the towel. Looking forward to reading more and really enjoy the comments too.
-
Sere July 6, 2012
Rob,
a ‘cold’ pick up may not be successful because of courage and confidence BUT maybe just because the guy wants to sleep with you and thinks he may have a REALLY good chance.Do I have to be the female bringing the male perspective?
Must be tough bringing your perspective, being one of the only males on this site, and being set upon by all the females when they are not happy with your opinion.
-
Rob July 7, 2012
I appreciate your perspective Sere, I was acknowledging Lou Lou’s skill in working her way to the center of attention of what sounded to be quite the after-party and then proceeded to isolate a conversation with one of the stars of the show who she liked the look of. A move like that takes social finesse, attitude and generally a couple stiff drinks to pull off. Bravo Lou. Bravo.
It’s not tough at all Sere, I’m loving working with the women sharing my understanding of the love dance. And I’m learning so much from readers’ comments and feedback. Bring it on.
-
Ladylikestodance July 7, 2012
Chris, I’m heartened to hear that after a long search you have found happiness on RSVP.
Just on your comment regarding fibbers, it is common for gents to lie about their age and height, and femmes on weight and age. I don’t see the merit, as all will be revealed in the 3D eyeball challenge.
Last weekend had a gent fly in from Adelaide to meet me; I was/am very flattered, but he lied about both height and age. Justifying that he fishes from a smaller pool. I figure if you start something with a lie, tis a faulty foundation to build upon. Doubts as to what else was/is real will always be present – it is not worth it.
I am tall plus I wear heels – all the time, a self confessed heightist, so yeah, my availability pool is shallow too. -
Serena July 9, 2012
earlier someone mentioned eHarmony – i had an awful experience with them – firstly i had to fill in their ludicrously lengthy, irrelevant and time-consuming ‘personality survey’, then had to pay their extortionate rates, and then was presented with a sparse selection of men none of whom came within a country mile of what i was looking for, and, one would have thought, was outlined by my personality profile. when i had had enough, i tried to cancel my subscription. has anyone tried to find the ‘unsubscribe’ tab on eHarmony? good luck. they obviously don’t unsubscribe anyone to keep their numbers up, which, i have been reliably informed, are bogus anyway. in the end, i lost it and threatened them with reporting to the ombudsman for sending regular unsolicited emails to a person who no longer belonged to their fraudulent organisation. RSVP is much more honest and user friendly. though, sad to have to say it again ladies, the selection of men in the 50+ age range is disheartening to say the least. good luck from me though you three brave girls.
-
Ladylikestodance July 9, 2012
Serena, I have to agree the selection of quality gents is pretty sparse. Seems like the gents are a little worse for wear in this age group. Many having issues, unresolved baggage or generally an old mind set.
I like the functionality of RSVP, and generally find the calibre of people to be more real. I’m also part of their blogging community – and have befriended many gents and femmes, so my experience is very different from others who are seriously window shopping for long term partners. Not that I don’t also desire that – it’s just that I’m aware of how challenging it is and I wish to have a happy fulfilling social life while cupid is on leave. As they say as one door closes another opens, tis those damned long corridors which are a bitch to live through. Onwards and upwards, and hopefully Mr Wonderful will walk into my life…
-
Helen July 10, 2012
“I still had a sold sign on my forehead,” she said, explaining that she was behaving like a married woman with men clearly not on her agenda. It was only when she decided the time had come to re-enter the dating game that the sold sign disappeared and men started to approach her
Yet again the language of selling and commodities is used to describe relationships. This is what I find so offputting about this series and Arndt’s articles in general.
-
Bettina Arndt July 10, 2012
It wasn’t my comment, Helen but simply an expression used by this woman to convey her experience in a light-hearted manner. For her, it captured a mindset which precluded any possibility of new relationships. Nothing to do with commodities. Sorry you took offence at this. But I am pleased that you are still reading!
-
JC July 11, 2012
As a 50s male contemplating RSVP, I am finding the stories and comments interesting, and occasionally disconcerting. Very sceptical about an earlier discussion that men, when nervous talk about themselves. My observation, is that people (and self-referencing cuts across gender) who talk about themselves, well they talk about themselves no matter the situation. Also rather amazed to discover that people lie about things that are exposed at first meeting. My immediate questions are to Ladylikestodance and Serena. What constitutes someone who is 50 something and worth a look? in particular LLTD, what sort of ‘wear and tear’ is a deal breaker and what is an ‘old mind set’? These are genuine questions not implicit criticisms. Weighing up whether or not I am robust enough to enter the dating scene. Really admire all of you who put yourselves out there though.
-
Ladylikestodance July 17, 2012
JC ,
“What constitutes someone who is 50 something and worth a look?”
A very subjective question – speaking for myself, tall, over 6′, intelligent, independent, healthy mind and body, open minded, fun, witty, but able to have the deep and meaningful. Kind and passionate.“In particular LLTD, what sort of ‘wear and tear’ is a deal breaker and what is an ‘old mind set’?”
Some deal breakers for me are addictions; smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling, femmes.
Unhealthy lifestyle choices, stamina and vitality are important as at this stage in my life, I’m after a playmate.
For others it is small children. Some femmes do not want to play mummy again.
Many who come onto the market after decades spent in matrimony have a pretty large hurdle to overcome a makeover of sorts – both the wrapper and the contents.
The wrapper well this is the easiest part. We are visual creatures afterall so a gent who looks after themselves; a little health conscious, dresses well and appropriate for his age, smells divine, gorgeous smile, warm sparkly eyes, would be attractive. Now if he can cook and massage, I’d be befriending him straight away!!!The contents, we are all at this mature age walking wounded to some degree; the difference is in how we have dealt with “our lot” in life. Have we learnt the lesson and stored the baggage away? Have we been reflective and open to personal growth. Are we prepared to do the work to make us better individuals?
Inflexibility and stubbornness are not easy traits to work – an old mind set does not easily accommodate discussion, possibilities and evolvement.Online dating like anything new is daunting, but the rewards can be great and its not hard, if you have the right approach and a helping hand. Best to have no expectations except to meet new and interesting people. Have a bit of fun exchanging information about yourself and learning along the way. At the very least you will meet lots of people and friendships can be had while your searching for Ms Right. Give it a go, you have nothing to lose, but much to gain. Hop onto RSVP, create a profile, go to the blogs – there is a wealth of information and insights to be had – come and say hello…. I’ll be waiting with a ready smile to introduce you to my friends
-
Sere July 17, 2012
Ladylikestodance,
I really like your description of what constitutes a good man. very thorough. -
Sere July 17, 2012
The man sounds pretty perfect.
Where is he?
-
John July 18, 2012
To much expectation leads to disappointment, start out looking for a friend or two or three, someone to go to a movie with, a drive etc. We are not teenagers. At 68 I have been on several dates through RSVP, have not met someone who I would want to live with, but have found that everybody has a story to tell, and really want companionship with person of the opposite sex. What outs me off of some profiles- women who bang on about their grand kids or their pets, and have ‘married, but he left me’ written all over them.. I am looking a relationship with a woman, do not want to be vetted by her children, and do not necessarily expect to have a close relationship with the children from a previous life. Enjoy the moment, do the unexpected, accept and revel in the benefits of being single.
-
Ladylikestodance July 18, 2012
Sere hun, I’ve been told that all the good ones are married and the ones that are left over, well one need’s to choose wisely. There is often a good reason they are single.
Just like myself as a weary wounded warrior who has own quirks and foibles, so too would potential gents who are on the market. Trick is to find one which compliments and won’t drive you nuts…tough gig though.
John, you have the right idea. I have amassed a new social circle from both genders and we go out weekly to dance party’s, dinners, movies etc., I think the important aspects are companionship and that you are circulating – you never know if you never go.
My RSVP experience is so different and more enriching because of the blogs and spillage into real life. When you get down to it, all people are the same no matter what demographic; we all crave to love and be loved. And if that s too hard then we’ll settle for respect and kindness with mates over a drink or three.
-
Sere July 18, 2012
Ladylikestodance,
I was just PINNNNN…..ING (ohhhhh…)
I know I have to get my own act together before I could attract anyone like that.
But I can dream
And I can have hope
But I will not settle for anything less
-
Sere July 18, 2012
Someone else thinks exactly the same way as me.
Maybe I should chat up that person.
They say that you are looking for yourself when looking for a partner.
They even have the same name as me
Whoops! It’s me
(accidently sent the message twice)
-
Sere July 22, 2012
The above post does not make sense now but when I typed it the post above it had been repeated twice.
-
Sere July 22, 2012
Read my July 18th post and then July 22nd post to make any sense of my comment.
-
linda July 23, 2012
Crikey, LLTD, thats a fairly long list of requirements. No offence, but if a fellow is as eligible as that, I cant see him hunting around on RSVP. Those sorts of men tend to get (wisely) snapped up by their single female friends as soon as they come onto the market.
But I would also make another point- what are YOU offering that would make a top-drawer catch want you? Other than a list of exclusions, that is. What about all the men who are 5’10 and lovely? Or slightly overweight? Or sad from a previous relationship breakup? What do YOU have thats going to raise you above the crowd, and entitle you to the man all other woman want? Are you exceptionally good looking? Seriously wealthy? Smart as?
It would benefit all of us to cearfully assess, not what we want, so much as how much we have to offer. What sort of match would be appropriate for each of us. My beautiful partner (met on RSVP) is 5 foot seven. balding, Has glasses, and a psycho ex. Buuut- he loves kids, is sweet, super smart, in a caring profession, and very kind. Personally- if I had a list of those qualifications similar to yours, we wouldnt even have met for coffee.
Women, I suggest you make a list of what core qualities you need- such as kindness and sense of humour, for example. everything else shoud be negotiable. -
Ladylikestodance July 23, 2012
Linda, you are quite right indeed, the good ones do get snapped up quickly even when they do venture online. I am not in a hurry. The Universe assures me the Alpha type that I’m after is currently out of stock but definitely on backorder
I have a tall order?(pun intended) Do I, and what am I offering?
As a subscriber to the principle of reciprocity, I don’t think I’m asking for anything that I don’t have/not prepared to give. The gent must be tall as I need to look up to him (in more ways than one) – this affects my femininity, self confessed heightist!
Have tried dating gents who are the same height – can’t do it, feels wrong.I think I’m a great catch. And I’d be happy to date my equal.
But it is in the eyes of the beholder. Isn’t it.What am I offering, let’s see…I’m tall, fairly intelligent, well groomed, can string a few words together – so yeah maybe you could say I’m a good communicator, social, spirited and spiritual. Many have commented that I’m beautiful, stunning, striking, gorgeous and a great dancer. I think my beauty is on the inside, spreading from empathy compassion and passion. Been told I radiate a tremendous amount of warmth akin to a nuclear reactor – I attribute that to my close encounter with Chernobyl.
Kindness and a sense of humour, are nice traits and I get that from my platonic mates. I need/want/long to be stimulated in all my senses. If I’m prepared to give why can’t I receive?
I want a playmate, a best friend with whom i have fantastic intimacy, and hopefully a dance partner.But it is not up to me to judge, have a look yourself. Check me out on RSVP or indeed send your tall male friends
I’d return the favour but do note you are loved up – lucky you! -
3d dating September 11, 2012
I simply couldn’t leave your web site prior to suggesting that I really enjoyed the usual info an individual provide for your visitors? Is going to be again steadily to check out new posts
