THE DATING PROJECT #7. A FIRST DATE
The Dating Project follows the adventures of three women Lou Lou ( 30s), Astrid (40s) and Iris (50s) as they navigate the tricky online dating scene. Along the way they have the support and advice of renowned sex therapist Bettina Arndt and relationship counsellor Rob Tiller.
Talk about restraint!
I waited three days after the long weekend before calling Iris to see what had happened.
Last week she’d had a breakthrough, receiving an email from a man who’d promised to get back to her after his weekend away. Our dating team was waiting with bated breath…
“Well, have you heard from him?” I asked. “Oh yes,” came her nonchalant reply. “We’ve been having a chat on email but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.”
Intrigued, I asked her to send me the correspondence. What a hoot! Here was Iris and her mystery man exchanging emails about what they did at the weekend, about movies, the weather, housework, what they were eating for dinner. No progress forward, no gradual discovery. Iris had simply acquired a pen pal.
I’d better let her tell the story…
Iris: “My pen pal”.
This dating business is very confusing and frustrating. Lots more kisses this week and one email exchange. I know everyone was excited that I’d actually had an email from a man last week and, yes, I did hear back from him.
It was all very friendly, mentioning the movie he’d seen at the weekend, complaining about not being able to get HOT coffee in the local shopping centre…
I wrote back and talked about the movie he mentioned, chatted about the freezing weather, the friend I’d seen at the weekend.
The next day he was back, also commenting on the cold, mentioning his ok day at work, the salmon he was eating for dinner. And asking what was on my menu that night.
And so it went on. He didn’t respond when I asked a few direct questions about what he did but then came a cryptic comment saying he was looking for someone serious and he didn’t want an “email mate”. His email ended: “Pick me, move to QLD, and live the good life!”
I just didn’t understand all this. What should I do now?
Well, what I did was ring Bettina who told me to stop writing chatty little emails about everyday events, to write a long, really open email telling him that I loved his invitation about moving to Queensland but that I did need to know a little more about him first. Telling him more about me might encourage him to reveal more about himself, she suggested.
I did that, he emailed back again and was a bit more revealing, talking about his work and saying he would love to just start a normal relationship – wouldn’t we all? And complaining how time consuming it was just to arrange a cup of coffee
My next move is to email again tomorrow and, on Bettina’s advice, give him my phone number to see if he wants to chat. Gulp! What if he does?!
As for the rest of the internet activity, from the 21 kisses received I replied favourably to three. I kissed four others who had not kissed me. The men I knocked back were just too young or lived too far away or their profiles didn’t appeal to me. Oh dear, when checking back on my mailbox I’ve realised that I never got back to someone who responded positively to my kiss. I think I am really going to have to bite the bullet and buy some stamps now.
So that was my week, exciting but I’m exhausted trying to keep up with it all.
Rob says: An invitation for tropical relocation two weeks after your profile went up, nice one Iris! It makes sense to cut to the chase and seek relevant information early without going through days of back-and-forth emails. I know many women like this type of email exchange but a number of men find it hard work and could possibly lose interest if you pursue this approach. You may be better off suggesting a phone call after the initial email exchange because this gives you more chance of sorting out quickly whether you click. Even then, it may help to remember women are generally more comfortable with phone conversations than many men, so be patient if he ums and ahs a little.
Bettina says: You do need to be on the ball in this business. If someone responds to a kiss saying they’d like to hear from you, it’s not a good idea to wait for days before responding. Remember he’s probably responding to a bunch of women and popular men are easily distracted by other options. Also when you are having an email conversation, you need to be prompt in your answers. We all hate waiting for responses and it’s not fair to keep the men hanging.
Yes, I know it is all pretty exhausting and time-consuming. Think of it like a job search – you need to make the time, put in the effort to get the rewards.
What about Lou Lou?
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20 Responses to this article
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Robyn Oyeniyi June 22, 2012
I tried the internet dating thing years ago and hated it. men who lied about their marital status, age, weight, number and ages of children: was anyone real, I wondered.
I saw it work well for young people, but for those over 30? Not so much!
I told one he was too young. His response? He lied about his age because he didn’t want to date “bitter old women” his own age. Hmmmmm
I met my husband in a nightclub. Safer!
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Anne June 22, 2012
It is exciting to read about your adventures this week ladies. Iris, I do hope that chatting to Mr X is revealing for you. From what you have written I wonder how much complaining he does? Of course we all do it, but it can be a bit much. I love your confident dating style Lou Lou and Rob’s strategy of trying to access the “good guy in there”. Hang in there Astrid! Good luck to all of you for next week.
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Ladylikestodance June 22, 2012
Iris, congratulations. I think the first email is critical – it sets the scene and gives you the first insight into the real person. I’ve found the best formula is humour, a little more about oneself and asking a few questions. What attracted them to my profile, and what commonalities do we share? Not too short, not a thesis. This is where you are into exploration mode, trying to exchange information so that mutually judgments on values, beliefs, lifestyle with compatibility in mind, can be made. Two or three emails, then a phone chat, don’t be shy in setting the first meet – usually I just do coffee or drinks for the 3D eyeball test. It is less pressure than a traditional date – there is time for that later on. Fingers crossed.
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Bettina Arndt June 22, 2012
Can’t see that, Robyn. How can it be safer to meet a stranger in nightclub where you can’t talk above the noise and everyone has had too much to drink?! Glad it worked out for you but I do think the internet process can be handled very safely if you proceed with caution. It can work really well for people of all ages – I know plenty who have met partners this way. Of course there are dopey people on there – males and females – who lie about various things but also honest, real folk who genuinely are looking for new relationships. Just takes some patience and stamina to cope with the sifting process!
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The Huntress June 22, 2012
I laughed when I read “No, daddy, No!”. I find it particularly funny because in my dating experience when men are nervous some macho area in their brain takes over the nice man and starts delivering everything women hate – the endless talking about how amazing they are, not letting you get a word in about yourself, the paternal thing where you are unable to pick what you want to eat or even discuss the wine. And then you clear out of there, thinking you will never get those 2 hours back and they sit there thinking “yep, I nailed it” (Well, in my mind that’s what seems to be going on in their heads).
I remember my first “date” with Mr. Huntress. I liked him and knew enough about men then to know if they’re nervous and like a woman they’re apt to “big themselves up”. So I sat next to him thinking “My god, you are an arrogant prick” as he told me about his incredible international job, his salary that would make 99.9% of the population envious, the many amazing model women he had dated, the romantic travels and holidays, his gorgeous car and blah, blah, blah. I started wondering why the hell he would waste his time on someone as boring and screwed up as I am, with nothing to offer but a big heart and an awesome shoe collection. But then we watched The Princess Bride together and it all turned out ok
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Alice Shaw June 22, 2012
Ah yes, the daddy type. Loves to tell you what you are doing wrong and fix it up for you right then and there. Whilst he may have been nervous and this may have amped up his “daddiness” I think you are right to have moved on. The way I look at it, if he’s comfortable giving you advice at this level on a first date, imagine what he will try and fix once he relaxes into a relationship. Next!
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Jennie June 22, 2012
I’m 49 and my husband is 55, married 24 years. Sometimes I do look at him and try to remember that (according to insurance companies) he is now a ‘senior’, but that is the last thing he seems like to me. In fact, my husband really is the sexiest and youngest man I know … and his favourite saying is ‘don’t let an older person into your body’. So I giggled at the suggestion that mid-fifties men are old … some of them are younger than mid-thirties men, particularly those who know who they are, whose work stress has eased a bit, whose kids are no longer such a drain, and who therefore have the time and money to pay attention to a woman. These men are fantastic – and age is just a number!
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Ladylikestodance June 22, 2012
Robyn, you are a lucky woman. One needs to be mindful that socialising in ones 30′s is different to that of femmes in their late 40′s, 50′s – many would not frequent a nightclub, pubs and clubs.
Hence the opportunity of running into Mr Wonderful are limitedI do, but, that’s moi. I love dancing and have a large social circle of RSVP mates (both genders) to go out with.
RSVP works, have friends who have meet partners online, and that was encouragement. It is a numbers game – you have to learn the rules and then just PLAY. Pack the ego away for a while and grow a think skin – and just do it. Rejection is part and parcel of the process, they reject you, you reject them. It is not personal, stand up, dust yourself off, smile and just say, NEXT!
Internet dating at least gives you an inkling of what they are like from their profile. Be savvy, ask for recent photos, talk to them, test them. You have more info on a profile than a glance over a crowded room. Charlatans exist on and off line. What guarantee do you have that just because he is in a club, he is available?
Being tall, my searches are limited to gents who are over 6′. Which makes it more difficult. It is a small highly competitive pond that I fish from, I am conscious of that…I say, bring it on.
BTW I chuckled at meet with Mr #1, 18 months on and I am onto three digits. Lots of insights and learning of self and others, one intense three month passionate relationship last year * grinning*
A beautiful blueprint when one is affected on every level.Wow, what a ride!
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Les Harris June 22, 2012
It is a bit sad to see so many of the same subjects, questions, complaints and pure puzzlement surfacing time and time again on so many venues of communication, including this one! Yes, morass and minefield come to mind but this website and the RSVP blogs are valuable in that they can show that one’s experiences are not unique and that sensible comment and advice can be found.
The Time Traveller -
Les Harris June 22, 2012
I have just read the Iris account above – then read it again because I thought that I had missed out on a couple of paragraphs.
I just can’t comprehend how anyone could/would invite a woman, as yet un-met and on the basis of a couple of emails, to move to Queensland!
There appears to be a serious fracture in my perception of reality!
The Time Traveller -
Penelope June 22, 2012
Stay clear of this particular penpal, is my recommendation. I’ve dated SO many of these confused men, who seem to run along divergent emotional tracks. They blow hot and cold so rapidly that you’ll find yourself drooling in nervous anxiety.
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Bettina Arndt June 22, 2012
Surely it was a joke, a moment of lightness. I think it is wonderful when you see that type of whimsy in an email exchange. And you need to pick it up and run with it rather than take it too seriously.
Far better than all these boring people who claim to have a GSOH and show no sign at all of a smile in their writing.
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Ladylikestodance June 22, 2012
Time Traveller, I think it is his attempt at humour
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Les Harris June 22, 2012
Bettina,
Considering the number times that I have seen reference to similar situations (this includes declarations of undying love on the basis of two emails), levity must be becoming more and more widespread! Better than agonizing over the GFC but a worry nonetheless. Whimsey or weird?
The Time Traveller
