THE DATING PROJECT #5. KISS. KISS
The Dating Project follows the adventures of three women Lou Lou ( 30s), Astrid (40s) and Iris (50s) as they navigate the tricky online dating scene. Along the way they have the support and advice of renowned sex therapist Bettina Arndt and relationship counsellor Rob Tiller.
It’s been a busy week helping Astrid and Iris get their profiles together and watching Lou Lou cope with the excitement of her first taste of internet dating. And yes, She Got Mail!
Before telling you all about their progress, we are delighted that The Dating Project has become one of the most read sections here at The Hoopla. How good is that? Yes, we know some people are irresistibly drawn to reading it because it annoys them so much – they have made their opinions very clear.
But we are very pleased to see so much lively debate about what we are doing. Keep your advice and comments coming.
Last week some readers objected to my attempts to encourage the women to write profiles that might appeal to men.
Of course we tread a fine line in helping the women shape how they present themselves without misrepresenting what they are really like. There is absolutely no point in faking it because there is nothing worse than turning up for a date and having his face fall because you are nothing like the person you pretended to be.
Men are always complaining to me about women using photos that are 10 years old, carefully airbrushed and showing a woman who is many kilos lighter than the current version. But equally I’ve been on coffee dates with men who were years older and many centimetres shorter than they claimed to be.
Not a good start to a potential relationship.
So authenticity is essential, but just as you hide the mould in the bathroom under fluffy towels when you are showing your house prior to sale, here too some judicious editing is called for to make the most of what you’ve got.
One more thing, we must point out. The women will not be sending men up when they write about their dates, nor seeking to embarrass them in any way. If necessary we will disguise some of their details so they can’t be recognised.
Everyone is vulnerable in internet dating and we are not interested in exploiting anybody.
Rob has been pondering on what lies ahead for the girls and has some advice.
After reading the women’s latest posts, inspiration hit me this morning as I was eating a bowl of plump, burgundy cherries from the Fremantle Markets. I thought maybe I should share some insights into the mysterious realm of men’s emotions to hopefully help them navigate some of the challenging feelings they may experience as The Dating Project unfolds.
In her book, Making Sense of Men, Alison Armstrong poses the questions: “What if men are responding to women?” by which she means: “What if there’s something I’m doing that is bringing the worst out in men?”
These are powerful questions that can help women re-entering the dating scene be more aware of themselves as well as the impact of their behaviour on prospective dates. Armstrong makes it clear it’s not about women blaming themselves for men’s bad behaviour but taking responsibility for their own assumptions, beliefs and judgements about men that can lead to miscommunication and misunderstandings because “men are not hairy women.”
Men are highly sensitive emotional creatures with the capacity for connection, affection, intimacy and love. At our core, most of us are aching to drop our layers of heavy emotional armour and let trustworthy women see our softer sides. But many of us have been taught by our families and conditioned by our cultures that to reveal our emotions is a sign of weakness and opens us to ridicule, shame, attacks on our masculinity and possible physical violence. So we suppress our emotional needs and often act them out self-destructively which might make us appear edgy, grumpy and emotionally disconnected.
It takes a strong woman to see the good heart of a man behind his emotional armour. It also takes a brave woman willing to acknowledge the hurt she’s accumulated in her own relationships with men (grandfathers, father, stepfathers, uncles, brothers, boyfriends, lovers, partners, husbands, ex-husbands etc.).
Contemplating how these relationships have shaped and influenced the way you think about and respond to men may provide you with insights into why men have responded, and currently respond to you the way they do.
I realise this may all sound a bit daunting and y’all might be thinking, ‘why bother, my cat isn’t that bad!’
So here’s the deal, as you step into this new chapter where you would like to invite good men into your lives, the emotional baggage from your past is most likely going to come up. I’m inviting you to notice when this happens, exercise your emotional muscles and reflect on how your previous painful experiences with men get translated into your current thoughts and beliefs.
For example: “Men are shallow, emotionally unavailable jerks only interested in one thing.” Noticing and challenging these kinds of thoughts will contribute to future success with dates.
The big news this week is Lou Lou is online with her internet profile on RSVP and enjoying that first rush of attention.
| Page 1 of 4 | next >> |
22 Responses to this article
-
Anne June 8, 2012
What a fabulous read! Good on you Lou Lou – a great first week! Astrid and Iris’ profiles look terrific and I love Bettina and Robs’ sensible and interesting comments.
-
LadyLikesToDance June 8, 2012
Congratulations Ladies and how exciting. I agree Anne, fabulous read, particularly the creativity and individuality of the profiles, they grab you. Many RSVP profiles are bland, mundane and full of cliches – it is refreshing to read something with substance – nice touch the, osso bucco, would do it for a lot of gents, I’d imagine
Loved the expression “exercise your emotional muscles and reflect” – very pertinent advice.
-
flickster June 8, 2012
Brilliant, I love the new profiles and think the changes do make the Girls appear honest and sincere, but very open to something new and exciting in their lives! Good work, I am loving these articles.
-
The Huntress June 8, 2012
Great stuff, ladies! I can hardly believe I am saying this, but I’m looking forward to seeing some of the results of your profiles
-
Katie June 8, 2012
And even if they don’t snare the bloke, it’s great coaching for a job in PR. Come to think of it – with promo skills like that who needs online dating?
-
Eloise June 8, 2012
You three wonderful women are inspiring me to try internet dating! Great to read the comments of Bettina and Rob. I shall be using their advice when I write my profile. Good luck and looking forward to reading the next installments of your adventures on RSVP
-
amelia June 8, 2012
Nice stuff! Great read
Looking forward to reading more -
Sere June 8, 2012
All of these women are going to attract the same kind of men that they attract out in the world, Just with different names.We attract whatever we project. It is NOT a case of “not enough good men”.That is a COP OUT. We all (men and women) need to work on ourselves if we want a good relationship.Be considerate of each other just as human beings. Men know how to relate to HUMAN BEINGS just as well as women do, They just do it in a different way. i am going to be the voice of reason on this site. Tell it like it is ,Cut through the rubbish. The ‘Dr Philipa of The Hoopla’ (even though my name is Sere). Before I go, one more myth I want to kill off. The myth is, when women say they cannot get a date because men are intimidated by their successful career or their good looks.COP OUT (i am planning to use this phrase a lot). It is about attitude. If I met a ‘supermodel’ it is the one with the bad attitude that i would find it hard to talk to. The way to keep things clear is to remember that men are human beings first.
Next post I MIGHT decide to comment on the topic but i needed to get these things off my chest and bring some reality into the world of ‘women and men’, because I am totally sick of the rubbish that is said out in the dating world. -
Jane X June 8, 2012
Wow, I just found the dating project and what an interesting group of women, best of luck to you all! I like the way Bettina’s and Rob’s perspectives really compliment each other while having some depth to them. I’ll be back for more.
-
Anne June 9, 2012
Sere, I agree about attitude. I assume people are of goodwill unless my experience later tells me otherwise. That way most interactions with other people are enjoyable and a positive contribution to my life and theirs as well I hope.
-
Ladylikestodance June 9, 2012
Sere, I read your post with interest, as I often have been given the intimidation excuse. Much to my dismay, it is not limited to looks, financial success, in my experience it also has to do with personality and stature. I am fairly tall 175 plus heels, so that in its self is a hurdle. We are after all searching for our equals somewhat; values beliefs etc., I may need to relocate to the Nordic regions, they breed them tall over there. Hehehe
-
Jane X June 9, 2012
Sere, I’m not sure what you mean by COP OUT. What I got from the writing was that we all struggle, men and women alike, to be more vulnerable and show our softer sides to each other…especially when we’ve been taught by society to keep our poker faces on at all times. There are so many reasons we can experience anxiety and fear when relating to men and I can imagine that Astrid, Iris and Lou Lou would be feeling quite vulnerable putting themselves out there in this way, and lucky them having two coaches to guide them through the praticle and emotional challenges.
I wonder, you sound like you either have a lot of dating experience with men or not much at all? I’m not sure just yet. Either way, I admire your fire. -
Tania June 10, 2012
I’ve only just discovered The Dating Project tonight, so have spent the last while reading the previous posts. I’ve been impressed with Bettina and Rob’s advice, and motivated with the ladies’ energy and enthusiasm to meet a special someone. I’ve been a single Mum for 3 years now and whilst friends are encouraging me to go online I’ve been holding back, so I’m looking forward to reading future updates and who knows by the end of it it might just inspire me to take the plunge (but why can’t I just meet someone in the biscuit aisle of Coles?? Which is in Perth BTW, so if you know any single, eligible men, send them my way!)
-
Jane June 10, 2012
Rob – why are you eating cherries in winter? They are imported from the US – think of the food miles!
-
Rob June 10, 2012
Jane, I appreciate your ‘buy local’ approach, and I do as often as I can. But from what I’ve been told, a great percentage of the food in Perth has substantial food miles attached to it. And if you loved cherries the way I do, you might make the occasional exception and treat yourself…even if they are American.
-
Sere June 11, 2012
Dear Lady likes to dance,
We all have something about us that may make people feel a certain way when they first meet us. But if we keep an open attitude and let people we trust in, they will get to know the real person and then see us for who we are, Not from how we can be seen on the outside.
Hang in there and KEEP DANCING and when you get to know the guys you like they will be with you for you.
A lot of women have admired Tom Cruise and he had the confidence to be married now to two women who are quite a bit taller than him. -
Ladylikestodance June 15, 2012
Dear Iris, Congratulations on your pole position!!!
Woud love to hear how the meets & dates are going. -
Serena July 9, 2012
earlier someone mentioned eHarmony – i had an awful experience with them – firstly i had to fill in their ludicrously lengthy, irrelevant and time-consuming ‘personality survey’, then had to pay their extortionate rates, and then was presented with a sparse selection of men none of whom came within a country mile of what i was looking for, and, one would have thought, was outlined by my personality profile. when i had had enough, i tried to cancel my subscription. has anyone tried to find the ‘unsubscribe’ tab on eHarmony? good luck. they obviously don’t unsubscribe anyone to keep their numbers up, which, i have been reliably informed, are bogus anyway. in the end, i lost it and threatened them with reporting to the ombudsman for sending regular unsolicited emails to a person who no longer belonged to their fraudulent organisation. RSVP is much more honest and user friendly. though, sad to have to say it again ladies, the selection of men in the 50+ age range is disheartening to say the least. good luck from me though you three brave girls.
