THE DATING PROJECT #4. TOUGH LOVE
The Dating Project follows the adventures of three women Lou Lou ( 30s), Astrid (40s) and Iris ( 50s) as they navigate the tricky online dating scene. Along the way they have the support and advice of renowned sex therapist Bettina Arndt and relationship counsellor Rob Tiller.
Here we are, week four, and Lou Lou’s internet dating profile is almost up and ready. She’s been working on her final touches, choosing a photo, describing her sporting and reading habits, her ideal partner. It proved a challenging process:
Writing my intro was just the beginning. I am now knee deep in the nitty gritty – what photos to choose, what’s my body type, and what do I like to read??? This isn’t easy…
Pictures
Now I’m discovering how difficult this brief really is… It’s all about finding a photo where you look completely, smoking hot, by accident! No posing, no hint of a set-up shot. It has to be just me in the moment oozing 100% gorgeousness. I’m also massaging some moments of indecision – Do I upload the photo of me looking sultry? Or do I stick to a little bit cheeky, a little bit cute? After a few sips of Pinot Gris… I go with sultry. (I’m not in this to win the Cute Competition, am I? I’m here to nab myself a boyfriend!!)
Headline
Damn right it’s tough! I left this for three days and the best I could come up with is: “Slightly awkward, but hopefully adorable.” I work in advertising, so I really don’t want to over-promise!
Body Type
Athletic or average?
If I choose athletic will my dates be expecting me to swim the width of Bondi beach? But if I declare myself ‘average’ am I implying that I’m, well, average… like totally not worth the virtual kiss?
In the end, I go with athletic. I figure I wear lycra at least once at week…
The Children Question
Hang on a second… this question seems to come out of nowhere! And it is a mammoth question to ask by the way. Can’t it come with a warning bell first?
After my initial freak-out I understand why it’s there. I guess I am getting used to the ‘cut to the chase’ kind of pace of internet dating.
At a glance – my ideal partner
I owe it to the human race to choose a breeding partner and potential lover, who will be significantly taller than me. I don’t want to raise short children into this world. I once went out with a man my height and we looked like two extras that had escaped the Lord of the Rings set. It was totally unsexy. And we got asked for ID everywhere we went.
Reading + TV
I have become an expert fluffer of perceptions. My reading and movie/TV choices are expertly thought-through ensuring that I come across as retro-funk, cutting-edge cool. I am more hipster than a fixie bike! I just want to feel like the cool kid in the playground.
Bettina’s response: Hmm, it’s funny how we see ourselves. Rob and I took a look at Lou Lou’s photo and couldn’t believe that she thought she’d chosen the sultry one. Yes, her main photo was cute but it didn’t compare with the stunning, glowing shot where she peered seductively through her long fringe, showing just the right hint of cleavage. We’ve persuaded her to swap them around, remembering that it’s not about the photo she likes best but the one that will tick men’s boxes.
And now for our other two members of the team, Astrid and Iris…
First a little pep talk from Rob: Astrid and Iris, I want to acknowledge your zeal in re-entering the dating world and the juicy journey that lies ahead. I was reflecting on your stories as I walked along the beach last night.
I got a sense of two women who have dedicated the past decade or so to raising their kids as single mothers while possibly forgoing some of their own needs and desires in the process. And now, you’ve jumped on board The Dating Project and have taken the plunge into the weird and wonderful world of online dating… go girls!
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19 Responses to this article
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Sam June 1, 2012
“remembering that it’s not about the photo she likes best but the one that will tick men’s boxes.”
This pretty much summed up this article for me, it’s not about what you like, or how you want to be seen, it only matters that you make men want you. This series is pretty awful, I won’t be reading any more of them.
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shelley June 1, 2012
Any attempts to lift internet dating above the ‘meat market’ category are lost here. No matter that these women are mature and realistic and straightforward Bettina would have them playing along to the tired old tune of ‘being flirty and sexy’. Is that all there is? Really? Christ, hand me the harikiri knife now. Please, lift the game, lift the approach. Let these women be themselves and if noone replies perhaps that is telling. And to the women, I say ‘Do not settle.’ Be single and keep your integrity, you have made it this far. And to Bettina, maybe rethink your approach factoring in a persons authenticity.
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Tania June 1, 2012
I honestly don’t understand these horrible comments.
This article makes perfect sense.
60% of a first impression is made up of how you look so the picture you chose is extremely important – this goes for everything; whether you post a new profile picture on facebook or whether you send out a picture with your cv – its important. you want to look your best to attract the right attention for whatever it is you are looking for.This article helps to explain and helps you to understand how the best way to go about internet dating and gives you a real persons approach… I honestly don’t see how this article can be rot.
For those of you who can’t see that… well your pretty naive. good luck to you guys
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Bettina Arndt June 1, 2012
Of course the women can be themselves.. once they actually get to meet some men. But surely it makes sense to warn them about not saying things that might put a lot of men off before that contact is even made. I don’t think it will do the women any good at all to post profiles which attract no response. The flirty, sexy issue wasn’t meant very seriously, but rather just to get the women to think about how they came across. And these are women who have had enough of being on their own – they want some male company and we are here to help them with that. Unfortunately the process of internet dating isn’t really about presenting oneself authentically.. that comes later.
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Anne June 1, 2012
This feedback is PRECISELY what the women need to help them put up a great profile!
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The Huntress June 1, 2012
I’m finding this series really interesting. I know people are criticising, but I have been asked to look over and edit a few guys internet dating profiles before – and have found myself giving the same kind of feedback.
Each and every single one of them was great – if they were appealing to their own sex or a woman that likely does not exist. They were funny and individual, however none of them actually put the thought in to think what a woman would like to read. It was hard saying “this is great, but I can tell you now that no woman is going to contact you when you utilise such crass jokes and state that lying under a vintage car and fixing it is your idea of paradise”.
Just as stated you have to think of your profile as a resume – think of your target audience and cater to it. Highlight the stuff they will find important. Gloss over it if it’s unimportant. Get someone else to read your profile and give feedback – I had to stop one fellow putting up a profile that was so quirky in humour that even though I personally loved it, not many women out there would have understood a word of what he was saying. I’ve never internet dated so I don’t know what it’s like, but I imagine it can’t be easy and the competition would almost be fierce.
With that being said, best of luck to the ladies!
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Tommy June 1, 2012
I like the idea of presenting our ‘resumes’ to the opposite sex. As I guy I’ve spent most of my post-pubescent life trying to figure out how to create rapport with women…which is very different to creating rapport with men. I could come from the position of ‘women have to adapt to me,’ but that’s not the type of woman or relationship I’m looking for. Of course I want to be authentic and true to myself, but I also want to understand what kinds of things are meaningful and important to a potential partner. I think the naysayers need to take a closer look at themselves and their own relationships…if they are in them. Men and women are different. The more we learn about how to appreciate and respond to each others differences in a healthy way, the better chance we have a moving past this gender war. Nice work guys! Love it.
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Elizabeth June 1, 2012
I am following the “Dating Project” with interest. I have been married for 33 years but it could just as easily be me who is looking for companionship and it is a difficult process putting yourself out there again. I applaud these three women and wish them luck. You need to have some bait on your hook to catch that fish and then you can gradually peel back the layers to reveal more about you. Hang in there ladies.
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Barry Rutherford June 2, 2012
Following with keen interest. Thanks for sharing your details, and opinions- Bettina and Rob. Your opinion and advice sound right to me.
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Peter June 6, 2012
Reading this stuff makes me think that maybe I should put up a profile for myself and see what response I get.
Maybe my own kind of research project. This is what I am like…..this is the profile that I put up…..these are the responses that I got.
Hmmm…
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lima June 25, 2012
There’s something missing here: the opportunity these women have to pursue — to be interested in, send kisses to, or ask to meet — a man.
I met my fiance 4.5 years ago aged 25 after posting a bare minimum profile on a free dating website without a picture using a pseudonym. I simply contacted the men in whom I was interested with a real picture attached and my real first name. Out of dozens (or probably hundreds) of men there were 3 I contacted. Perhaps it was lucky but my fiance was the first I arranged to meet in real life and things just went from there.
My life lesson was that I’d previously relied too much on waiting for the kind of man I’d like to ask me on a date or whatever. And the reality was that despite being asked on dates I was aware each one was not really the one I’d pick. Going online gave me the confidence to be the initiator — not aggressive or predatory but the initiator nevertheless.
