• Santorini..... - Katherine Basher
  • Very moving. Everyone I know who had done this has been touched by it. - Jo
  • Wonderful. I always ask myself will someone die if I fuck up? Will it matter in 3 months? And who fucking cares? Works for me. The swearing part is important apparently. ;-) x - Michaela C
  • Our focus on women and children and their difficulties ignores the elephant in the room. Where is the father/partner in this equation? Where is the support, financial responsibilty, active participation and general parental sharing by partners/fathers? Where are they all? Why has the focus on women and children left them invisible and unaccountable? Is it because we don't expect men to take care of their responsibilities, or is it too hard any issue to deal with? I fully acknowledge that there are many exceptions, including death of a partner, abuse and violence, and other diverse reasons, but is there no way we can broaden the debate to include the responsibilities of partners/fathers? Just a thought. - Nel Matheson
  • Can we please clarify that not all single parent families were moved from PPS to Newstart - only those who were grandfathered by the Howard government when they brought in the changes many moons ago. It was Howard and his cronies that singled out and privileged a group of single parents, allowing them to recevie more than anyone in similar circumstances who didn't benefit from the grandfathering, or never received PPS in the first place (Not everyone's marriage ends before their youngest child turns eight). While I don't believe that Newstart is sufficient to live on and raise children easily I am very much against this focus that has been placed and what is in reality a small group of people. How about fighting to put everyone on PPS or to increase Newstart rather than just a few. - Carz
  • Well spoken, Vanessay. I cringe when I hear people go on about single mothers. As if it's only the mothers who deserve the social stigmatization and the husbands, boyfriends, partners don't. And as if the two parent family is so perfect. As if no two parent family lives off the taxpayer or eats junk food. But more important than the social stigma that attaches itself to their children is the poverty that disadvantages them and how it can be transmitted to the next generation. Many single mothers are close to the bread line and that's not good enough. Do we want them on the street? How would that look? It's no better than kicking someone when they're down. Un-Australian. - Rhoda
  • I was just going to comment on the same thing! I worked on my first Apple computer in 1989, aged 20 - and they have the hide to say over 40 is too old to learn? We've "grown up" with computers too - they just can't do the maths. - HellB
  • We give aid to overseas countries to strengthen the education of women and female children so that future generations in those countries are not raised in poverty. The single most important factor contributing to low birth rate is education, yet we defund single mums in our own country so that their education and that of their children remains at a low level thereby perpetuating the poverty/ young mother cycle. Three stories from my life. Mother A became a single Mum when her husband was killed crossing the road at work to get his lunch. Mother B became a single M um when her husband was stung by numerous large ants while at work (anaphylactic shock) and Mother C's husband said "goodbye, I love you, I'll see you tonight" and got on a plane, flew interstate and texted her to tell her he'd had enough. That Mum has 5 kids, one with a disability. Furthermore, the waiting rooms of the oncology and specialties dealing with kids with disabilities like autism at the Children's Hospitals are full of single Mums whose partners have "had enough". There are also women and children who will lose their lives because they are too afraid to leave abusive situations because of the this constant putting down of women who access benefits and fear that they will not be able to survive on the benefit if they are able to muster the courage to leave. These are the mums these government decisions are hurting, not the VERY few Mums who think they can keep having kids to keep getting benefits. People who are determined not to work will always find a way not to work. The whole thing is demeaning to single parents and to women in our "advanced" country. - vanessay
  • Great article. Regarding Newstart and the $35 a day question - I have experience of living on this and came across this equally relevant blogpost regarding the topic - http://50shadesofunemployment.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/australia-on-35-day.html - Antonio
  • Jack, sorry had to laugh. Now where do I start. Are you saying the UN should take on China, India and the rest and play policeman? How? With guns or a rolling pin? No man is an island. The earth has to be shared. People migrate or flee their country of birth for any number of reasons and have been doing so since they discovered the world wasn't flat. Before that even. Tightening border security correspondingly attracts criminals into people smuggling. Because they can make money out of it. Economic migrants needs a legal channel to enter this country and the quota needs to be the number that deters illegal entry. We are lucky that geography prevents immigration en masse. There are only so many planes that can land immigrants in one year and so many boats that can land on our beaches. And it's a long walk across desert from the Kimberleys to Sydney and Melbourne if they did. You're safe Jack. - Rhoda
 
6
Categories:  Must see, The Dating Project, Wellbeing

THE DATING PROJECT #18. DEAR JOHN

By Bettina Arndt
September 7, 2012

Commitment phobic. The question is raised; is it really us, not them?

Is this the start of something wonderful for Lou Lou? She’s had her fourth date with Man #10 and he’s still hanging in there.

She doesn’t know quite what to make of all this but it could just herald the end of her current lively dating period while she works out whether this one is worthy of her undivided attention – at least for a while.

Meanwhile, Eloise has pulled the plug on her over-eager suitor. We pondered on how best to do this – did she have to wait to do it in person?

 

Was it fair to write a Dear John email?

In the end she went for the latter, so she could write a kind and thoughtful letter and let him down gently. We’d be interested in hearing your thoughts about breaking up to learn how our readers handle this difficult issue. If this has happened to you, was it via a phone-call, a Dear Joan letter or heaven forbid, a text! Love to hear how your male dates have conveyed the bad news and how you reacted. Funny or tragic stories most welcome.

 First, Lou Lou ponders over whether this is a budding romance:

As I begin to collect my thoughts for my next post, Whitney Houston decides to make a guest appearance into the busy space that is my brain. She is belting out an amazing and heartfelt rendition of “How will I know if he really loves me” — this is from her pre-crack days so there are no pitch issues here.

Why is Whitney here? Well, I have gone on four dates in total with Man #10 and unlike Whitney I get a distinct vibe he likes me. Yay! The trouble is, I’m not sure I do. And I’m feeling like a dumb ass. Surely I should know if I like a guy or not. I mean, come on! I know I like white anchovies, orange-scented perfume and oils, cake mixture, moody lady rock, Paris, Berlin, manners and thank you cards. And I know I dislike excessive signage, women applying makeup on public transport, fake fingernails, rhinestones, sweet corn, thin moustaches and Mark Rothko.

So why don’t I know about Man #10? And if I don’t know why the hell am I kissing him, playing with his hair… And wait for it… Sleeping with him!

I know, I know but… A gabble of girlfriends convinced me over wine that this was the final criteria in knowing. It was positioned to me that one way or another post-shag I would know. I was desperate for a definitive answer. Afterwards, however I was more confused than a virgin skimming through the Beginner’s Guide to Karma Sutra.

Here are a couple of observations feeding the doubt:

1. I feel an innate sense of responsibility towards a man that feels more for me than I do for him. Florence Nightingale over here wants to protect him from a lifetime of pain should I eventually decide that this is not for me.

2. I’ve always gone out with people I know so usually the only thing to still get to know is their body and how to turn them on. It’s overwhelming to do the two things at the same time.

3. Finally I’m not sure if this is an elaborate ruse conceived by my complex, yet cowardly brain to sabotage any potential beginnings of a budding romance. Is all of this doubt not only a means to outwit commitment but a well-formed habit of mine?

Oh nooooooo… *Light bulb moment*!

Am I just about to crack the Da Vinci code here? Is all this not knowing simply a means to get out of doing something that terrifies me more than a bikini wax? (I think the concept of a complete stranger applying hot wax to a region 95% of the population has never seen is absolutely petrifying).  Am I terrified of being in a relationship?

But is all of this fair to Man #10? He’s not interested in the Da Vinci code — he’s interested in the Da Vagina and the woman that comes with it.

When I still don’t know, should I go on Date No.5 with Man #10?

FYI: Man #10 comes with initiative, witty banter, quirks, manners, intelligence, a hot body, and the ability to be consistently awesome in bed.

 

Rob says: Careful not to get fear and instinct confused Lou Lou—it can be challenging to get an accurate read of your feelings when your body is flooded with adrenaline. Maybe give your doubts some downtime while you get to know Man #10 at a pace that feels right for you both. And don’t worry too much about who likes who more as it’s totally normal for feelings of affection to fluctuate as you’re getting to know one another. So when you catch yourself thinking ‘Florence’ thoughts, step back and consider that Man #10 may be willing and able to take responsibility for the emotional risks involved in wooing a Lou Lou.

Bettina says: Don’t know whether you are still thinking of meeting other people but I do feel you should give Man #10 your undivided attention for a while to see what happens. And maybe you can move on from dating to just hanging out together, doing the supermarket shopping, sharing normal weekend stuff. That’s the only sure way you will get to know him well enough to begin to work out if he could possibly light your fire.

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6 Responses to this article

  1. miss milu! September 7, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Lou lou!! I get it!! Having the same problrm myself right now. Ive lost count of how many dates im up to with my current man. Over a weekend date i was shocked at how strongly i felt for this guy. And even more shocked when 3 days later i felt completely unsure again. But you hit the nail on the head, i scared myself off because im terrified of commitment right now. Id honestly rather have my teeth pulled at this stage. But if i try and diffrrentiate between how i feel about him vs how i feel about a relationship its pretty clear… im a big scardy cat!!

    And yes ive been dumped via txt!! Personally i feel thats the crappest, most spineless way to let someone go. Annoyingly, i had plans to let the guy know i wasnt happy with his behavious (rude and disrespectful), but now i never got the chance. I just dont say things like that via txt. A well constructed email is a step up. In person is still idea, but not all situations are ideal. In my opinion, a man who dumps via txt, is a man you’re better off without!! Xx

     
  2. Sere September 8, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Hello Everyone!

    Did an experiment for no real reason really, but thought I would share the results. Joined RSVP only for the free period. Will not be paying when it expires as I do not want to put myself out there in this way.

    What I did was write a profile with only the title, the headline and no photo, and only answering the questions on location, age, height, body type, smoking habits, children and what I am looking for in a guy, and I received eight responses in two days.

    Might be because of the ‘shot gun method ‘ that was mentioned.

     
  3. The Huntress September 9, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Ok, I’m barracking that Lou Lou goes on Date 5 with Man 10. Us ladies have ways of sabotaging ourselves with doubts and self-destructive thoughts, instead of just taking a situation for what it is and enjoying it. Enjoy Man 10, take it easy and don’t overthink it. You may be pleasantly surprised.

    Eloise, you have a way have handling difficult situations with honesty and elegance, quite an achievement! Good luck with Man 2.

    As for being conveyed bad news, I must confess I’ve always been the one imparting the bad news. Mainly because I have a habit of being involved with wildly inappropriate men and I realise this long before they do. And in the long, twisting tale of how Mr. Huntress and myself got together (many are awaiting the film adaptation as it is a fairy-tale story straight out of the movies) I even managed to tell him at one stage that we could never see each other ever again. LOL And somehow we still made it….

     
  4. Lou Lou September 10, 2012 Reply
     
     

    On the advice of all of you ladies, I went on another date with Man #10. Thank you! Promise to keep you updated with a juicy post on how it all went. x

     

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Comments

  • Katherine Basher: Santorini.....

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  • Jo: Very moving. Everyone I know who had done this has been touched by it.

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  • Michaela C: Wonderful. I always ask myself will someone die if I fuck up? Will it matter in 3 months? And who fucking cares? Wor...

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  • Nel Matheson: Our focus on women and children and their difficulties ignores the elephant in the room. Where is the father/partner in...

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