THE DATING PROJECT #11. NO SHOW
We keep hearing from women who were disappointed not to be chosen to be part of our team and can’t seem to find the courage to start internet dating on their own.
So my big news is I have decided to offer a personal service to help men and women who want to get started or who are already on board but not having much success. Go to this link to read all about my new Dating Advice Service. I’d love your feedback and hope to lend a hand to help those who would like to get involved.
Update: Bettina and Lou Lou caught up with ABC 702 Sydney’s James Valentine this week. You can listen to them chat about dating, disasters and dapper men here.
Meanwhile, ups and downs for our team this week.
The ups include some very hot photos of our smokin’ granny, Eloise who is already deep in the action. Aching lips indeed!
But Lou Lou had a no show. How annoying is that? But as Rob explains, it’s not only women who find themselves alone and lonesome waiting in vain for their dates to appear. With internet dating everyone who participates is putting themselves on the line – and that takes guts. It blows me away that people can exploit that vulnerability and just fail to show up, or turn up take one look and then disappear. You meet the good, the bad and the very, very ugly through internet dating. And that’s why you need that armour plating.
The good news is Astrid is cruising along, emailing one guy, receiving kisses and thinking about why she still finds live chat too hard.
So here’s Lou Lou:
Man #5 was a product of proactivity. You see with RSVP you can buy ‘stamps’. These stamps enable you to initiate contact with someone via email – a lot more personal than a kiss, right? And you are doing them the favour of paying to start the conversation with them – which gives them a free ride. That has to make them feel extra good, doesn’t it?
You buy these stamps in batches and they come with an expiry date. I’ve always been too slow or too subtle in the art of seduction. So it came as no surprise when RSVP kindly reminded me that I have three stamps nearing expiry.
Now that we’ve got the theory out of the way, let me show you how I applied it in practice. I sent Man #5 an email. He swiftly replied with a witty mini novel of his life up until now. A lengthy email usually evokes the ‘eye roll’ and sends my inner ‘psycho’ siren off, but Man #5 was just sooooo real and interesting!
We set up a time and a date. I was excited!
The morning of the date, I carefully selected black jeans, brown boots and a netted, sheer, black top with sassy gold detailing. I wanted to be bang in the middle of ‘sexy casual’.
Also in the morning, I received quite a long text from Man #5 echoing a similar excitement to meet in person. I could feel that this had the potential to go swimmingly. Should I check my bikini line just in case?
The evening finally arrived. And so too did a text precisely 10 minutes before we are due to meet up. Man #5 pulled the ripcord, saying he was very tired from a double shift, but wanted to reschedule to mid-week. I was seemingly relaxed by the news but this could be the mojito that I was nursing as part of my pre-date drinks with friends.
My phone bleeped again 10 minutes later. Man #5 was at the venue we decided upon at the time we also agreed on. It seemed he had a change of heart and wanted me to come and see him with my friends. What the…???????????????
My mojito said no.
This wasn’t the first time this has happened. No-shows seem to come with the territory of Internet dating. And I just find it soooooooo frustrating!!
I just don’t get it. Men, you need to explain this to me. You have willingly signed up to this. You know the deal. You know that in order to find love you need to go on dates. It’s pretty logical, right. Kind of like football – if you want to score a try, you have to be on the paddock in the first place and be up for some kind of exchange with your team player.
So why don’t men have the balls to honour a commitment they made to a fellow human being who courageously expressed a desire to meet you because they are open to the possibility of falling in love with you?
And as for Man #5… I wonder if he had a bout of pre-game nerves, which led to the ‘no-show, show’ debacle…
Rob says: His loss, Lou Lou, and I agree that his behavior lacks integrity. But it’s not uncommon for both sexes to give each other the slip for all kinds of reasons. I’m glad you listened to your telepathic mojito and responded to his ambivalence with firm boundaries. Man #5 sounds like he did you a favor by eliminating himself from the competition early on. But I can imagine that after your several fruitless – but very entertaining for us! – first dates you might be having thoughts like: ‘what’s wrong with me?’ or ‘what’s wrong with men?’. Noticing your rejected feelings or your frustration with men’s unsavory behavior will help you diffuse them before they spiral into self-doubt or man-hating. Then when the ‘good men’ begin to appear on your radar, listening to your instincts and actively valuing yourself in your words and behavior will send clear signals to your dates to follow suit or risk the chop.
Speaking of which, I bumped into my former partner this week after two months of ‘radio silence’ following our separation. After recovering from our initial weak at the knees shock of seeing each other, a sense of mutual joy set in and we decided to have a drink in one of Perth’s trendy city bars. Over the course of the evening my partner shared her post break-up insights regarding how she’s “compromised” herself throughout our six-year relationship. During our conversation it became apparent that she was taking herself and her life’s ambitions much more seriously and that if we were to reinstate our relationship it would require a very different arrangement than before.
The point is, I felt my partner actively valuing herself in a way that was foreign to me and it instinctively made me value her in return – really value her. Her words and behavior were saying ‘I’ve realised what a catch I am and if you want to be with me you’re going to have to man up and prove it’. And in the days since our chance encounter some primal part of my male mind is abuzz with countless creative ideas about how to prove my worth to her and win her back. So I’m inviting you to learn from my partner, Lou Lou and begin cultivating your own ‘I’m a catch’ attitude.
Bettina says: Yes, that makes sense, Rob, but there’s a fine line between valuing yourself and having such a sense of entitlement that it puts men off. I’ve had many men complain to me that women behave as if they have totally swallowed the L’Oreal line – “Because I’m Worth It!”. My feeling is men want women who are self-assured but not so up themselves that they expect men to come crawling.
Now for Astrid:
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12 Responses to this article
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Julie Wright July 20, 2012
Oh, the joys of internet dating!! This is the first time I have read your interesting article. Today, we are super busy with work and all else. Any down time is spent doing what we need to do for ourselves and a bit of television. Those late night TV adverts telling us our next beloved is eagerly waiting on an internet dating site. We scoff at it at first and then one night whilst eating chocolate icecream with everything on it, those adverts look a little promising. We are in a vulnerable state! Alone and eating chockies!
I ventured into the internet dating game with an open mind and what I found was quite amusing. My story is not unlike others. But the dates I’ve had have been down right hilarious. Yes, I can laugh now…
My two cents of advice is – don’t “invest” too much time or energy in having a love affair with love itself, do not disclose too much about yourself until you meet each other, and above all do not date anyone who is talking about tantric sex. I met one of those and his photo was 20 years old. A little 4′ man met me for the first date, I thought he was the concierge as I stepped out of my vehicle. Nope, that was my date. After letting him know it was not kocher in putting up an image when he was 40 instead of his age 70, I drove home livid. Rang my girlfriend the next day and laughed at the scene the night before.
Learned a valuable lesson. Be careful. People can and say do anything that is not representative of who they are. I have had so many other dates, all mostly high profile men, and I have decided that I do enjoy eating chocolate icrecream alone with everything on it! I figure if it is going to happen, let it happen au natural.
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Anne July 20, 2012
I so admire you brave women for giving us a glimpse of your lives in the internet dating world. It fascinates me how differently we react to other personalities. My immediate thought about Lou Lou’s Man #5 is – here is a man who might love to chat – that’s great! Then when he turns up at the venue, I think ‘he’s as muddlesome as I’ – love to meet him. You thought ‘NO’. I find this so interesting and delightfully amusing for me.
Good luck Bettina with your new Dating Advice service.
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amelia July 21, 2012
Ah the tumultuous world of Internet dating!
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Sere July 22, 2012
Astrid,
Maybe you are finding it hard to step out and do the live chat because it is a step closer to a relationship, and you are not sure whether you have the time and energy in your life to sustain one at the moment.
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Sere July 22, 2012
Lou Lou,
Man # 5 could have continued with the ‘no show’, but didn’t.
So he was either:
1. Nervous
2. If he is a quiet type of guy he may have felt intimidated after watching you interact with your friends as you seem to have a very ‘out there’ personality. -
Sere July 22, 2012
Lou Lou,
Message sent too early.
Or else:
3. He had the ‘hots’ for one of your friends LOL.
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Sere July 22, 2012
How much can a ‘self -assured’ woman compromise herself?
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Sere July 22, 2012
I agree with Bettina that there is a big difference between having good self-esteem and thinking that you are ‘the greatest’ and the world revolves around you.
People only really take this attitude due to low self-esteem anyway. Deep down they don’t really believe it, in fact they believe the opposite. -
Lou Lou July 24, 2012
Sere, thank you soooooo much for regularly commenting on our tales of love. Despite the no-shows , I’ll never stop being the woman I am – even if that means my loud laugh will scare away pigeons and make men jump.
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Seymour meets Celeste July 24, 2012
After mastering the art of internet banking, adopting a dog on the doggie rescue site. I decided that the internet could be a way to broaden my social circle and perhaps meet a new man. I did meet my partner on the internet – we have been together for more than a year and are planning to live together next year. We both had some unease about the comodification of ‘love’ and both had some both interesting and amusing experiences and of course a couple of odd encounters.
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GRANT July 24, 2012
lou lou, heard your voice & loved your conversation & your crazy laugh on radio with james valentine today. I couldn’t find any link on this site to your dating profile. I’ve read all your dating blogs; I think possibly I might be a dating prospect for you.I’m tall,a bit shy ,but very open to sharing feelings & I love great A-Z conversation & a good laugh over wine.I am a life optimist .I love all things physical ;I’m a martial artist & a massage therapist,so I can be both an assassin as well as a healer. ..Only kidding! But I do have an even balance of yin & yang energy & I do give memorable full body tissue treatments.Specifically with scalp & neck massages which I sense from your blog thoughts you would really enjoy..I really apologize for this clumsy way to try & contact you, but I really enjoyed listening to your voice today & I’m hoping that you will contact me sometime in your busy schedule to have a quick chat to suss me out & see if you like the sound of my voice as well. .I know this is somewhat irregular ,but anyway my mobile number is 0434356205 & my name is Grant.I hope you give me a call during the day. Evenings I’m usually either at the gym or training or massaging a client…Cheers!
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Sere July 24, 2012
Lou Lou,
Thanks for appreciating me.
I just read a great comment from Mrs Wong who writes for ‘The Hoopla’ and wanted to share it with you.
‘Swing your arms vigorously as you march to the beat of your own drum’
A loud laugh is an attractive quality.
You should NEVER change the parts of you that make you unique. Our unique qualities make the world interesting.
I love difference and quirkiness myself.
We all have it unless we let people squash it out of us.
We all have to work on some aspects of our personalities when it comes to relating to people in general but NOT on the interesting qualities that make us unique.
How’s this:
Once I went out with two female friends and a male friend of one of them and he had the gall to say he would not go out until I took off the colourful tights I was wearing.
HELLO ANYBODY HOME!
Message of the story: Don’t change your uniqueness for anyone, male or female, friends or family.
Don’t compromise that part of you. Someone should love you for who you are.
