THE DATING PROJECT #10. BUNNY BOILER
Here we are, week 10. Lou Lou has the hang of it all, sashaying through the dating scene with utter aplomb – although the boiled bunny was clearly a mistake. Astrid’s gritting her teeth over her first vanishing man but bravely planning new strategies. And Eloise finds she’s now on men’s radar even before putting her toe into the internet dating pool.
A bunny boiling joke too far? Glenn Close and Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction.
First here’s Lou Lou…
I sashay along to see Man #4 – a confident, philosophical suitor looking for love via the Internet.
It is important to note, I am sashaying. Yes, sashaying with confidence. I’ve never sashayed before to a date. Typically I am a bundle of nerves but, you know what, I think I am getting the hang of this.
I have mastered and acquired the following:
- A collection of sexy, yet understated ‘first date’ outfits.
- An array of suitably casual bars that tickle the perimeters of pretentiousness.
- A solid body of conversational matter running from pop culture to ancient history.
Man #4 was in good hands, don’t you think? Talking about good, here are my highlights:
Olives: This is the second time I have chosen this as a mid-date snack. You see I love the awkwardness of eating olives in front of someone you have met for the first time. It feels like the perfect ice-breaker as you awkwardly pick out the die-hard bits from between your teeth.
I like seeing how a guy handles these fleeting moments of self-consciousness. Also, a guy that is a good eater is hot. Those that eat like cave men are not.
His hands: This sounds a little strange but I found his hands aesthetically pleasing: long, slender fingers with graceful hand gestures.
Within the first five minutes I make a mental note of the things I like about the man in front of me. I’m finding this helps to dull the lightening-quick Judge Judy in me who will instantly veto the man after 60 seconds.
You could argue that it is my instincts, not Judge Judy making a very clever decision. But when it comes to a potential boyfriend, I am taking my sweet ass time!
The bar man: He had cheeky grin, kind eyes, and he looked like he could fix a leaky tap if he wanted to. Plus he was totally up for assisting in my escape plan.
What escape plan you say? Well, I was worried that Man #4 was keen to extend the date to dinner. On my way to the bar for Glass #2, I was pondering what tactics I could employ to depart without wounding the man with the graceful hands.
Hot Bar Man was keen to assist and suggested carrying my drinks to the table to see Man #4 for himself. I politely declined as I believed this would induce bad love karma.
So with the good, comes the bad. Here are some not-so-memorable moments:
My jokes: It was a somewhat shaky start to the date… I thought it would be funny to refer to myself as a ‘bunny boiler’, highlighting the irony because clearly I am not. Man #4 was not up to speed on iconic movie moments or the prolific career of Glenn Close.
This meant I had to explain and also mime the infamous bunny boiler scene. During this improvisation I had a moment where I was looking down upon my performance and found it incredibly entertaining and amusing. This led to my sharp ‘yip’ of laughter, which caused Man #4 to jump.
Post-date loneliness: The last sip of wine has been drunk, the last possible olive consumed. It is time to go. We both know we will never see one another again.
How do you know? You just know. It’s like you can smell it on each other’s clothes. It’s subtle, but it’s there. And it is so sad.
You get to the fork in the road where he goes that way and you go the other. You’ll never look back because there is nothing there. Man #4 knew. Maybe I was too much for him. Maybe I wasn’t philosophical enough. Maybe I was too much of a bunny boiler.
It’s not just him saying no to me, I clearly am saying no to him. Who flirts with the Hot Bar Man on a first date if they are feeling it with Man #4? Despite owning that decision, I feel a mist set in after the goodbye. I resist the urge to listen to Adele, but I do wonder: Will I ever find someone? Will I ever find a guy that doesn’t find me too much? Will I ever be with a guy that likes my confidence, likes my loud laugh, likes my ambition?
Rob says: We blokes are a peculiar primate often blooming late in the modern urban jungle. Many 30-something guys may look ready to pick but are still a bit green inside. Plus men’s social, emotional and sexual intelligence tends to be slower to gel which can be a source of great woe for nest-ready women. Just ask my former partner.
In the final months of our six-year relationship my girlfriend discovered the volume control on her ‘too much’ personality and our relationship took a dramatic turn for the better – go figure! Throughout most of our relationship I think she had equated toning down with selling out and simply refused to dismount from her velvet steamroller.
It can be really confusing for women because men’s seemingly solid exterior conceals Cadbury crème centres. The ‘too much’ woman can remind us of our fear of not being man enough and we often react defensively (denial, blame, silence, overcompensation, aggression etc.) when we perceive our worthiness being challenged.
But there’s hope, Lou Lou, since surviving life with wonder woman has made me a more emotionally resilient man capable of appreciating and adoring self-assured women. And I’m not the only one.
Bettina says: Glad you are silencing Judge Judy. She lurks in all of us but moving on past those negative first impressions is critical to seeing if you really connect.
Oh yes, I know all about those dreadful last moments together, when you are both desperate to get away but don’t know what to say. Although I do think it is even worse when he wants a second date and you aren’t interested. I’ve known a few brave men who’ve managed in these circumstances to gracefully spell out that they don’t think we are right for each other before heading for the exit door. But most of us fudge the final moments with vague talk about being in touch. I find it is much easier to then write a careful email saying it was fun but…
Now Astrid tells us about her week…
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15 Responses to this article
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HK July 13, 2012
Go Eloise- ‘a divine instrument of tautness’ ! I want one
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The Huntress July 13, 2012
I absolutely adore these ladies. The only thing that keeps bothering me is I have a massive pool of gorgeous, nice and smart single men on my hands and no women for them! I must tell them to get on RSVP and up the stakes a bit
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Ladylikestodance July 13, 2012
The action is heating up – good to hear. Rob great insights into the fragile male psyche.
@ The Huntress, “massive pool of gorgeous, nice and smart single men”
Friend buddy pal, if they are tall gents and in Sydney, do send them my way. I frequent the Mingles dance parties often they can be fun with a large group we usually book a RSVP table and promote it on their blogs. There’s one tonight at Cammeray Gold club, 8pm $20 on the door. Promise I’ll look after them, well, dance a while and give them back *smiling warmly*
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The Huntress July 13, 2012
Alas, none are in Sydney, however if you happen to make your way west I do have some lovely, tall gentlemen in my single man stockpile (heehee!). Honestly, I have no idea why any of these lads are single, but all have been ambitious and so have followed their careers (successfully) so most seem to have only just realised that casual dating around careers doesn’t quite cut it. Indeed one boy (a medical scientist, pharmacist AND PhD candidate) is so busy rescuing dogs that he forgets to introduce himself to nice ladies. I love him dearly and would love for him to have a nice lady. Which would mean you don’t have to hand him back LOL
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Sere July 14, 2012
I do not believe men have to act defensively to women who are self assured BUT only if they are overbearing and dominant.
JUST as a woman would act defensively to a dominant, overbearing man.
IT IS AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON MAKING MEN AND RELATIONSHIPS SO COMPLICATED? -
Rob July 15, 2012
Not sure people insist on making relationships complicated, I think by their nature they just are. We seem to complain about the complexity of our modern lives yet continue to make decisions that keep our favourite dramas alive. And I think by far, relationships are our favourite drama. They seem to provide us with a trusted someone who we voluntarily share access to our ‘launch codes.’ It’s amazing how we choose someone and give them unfettered access to our most vulnerable parts.
After playing the blame game for a number of years with my partner, I’m much more able to see that my blame was keeping me from growing into the man I wanted to be. I’m so grateful that I had a wonder woman to push all my buttons on so many occasions that their paralysing power has been radically diminished.
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Sere July 16, 2012
Rob,
IT IS AS SIMPLE AS THIS:
A loving relationship is one of sharing. A sharing relationship is one of co-operation.
For a relationship to be good, FUN and healthy the woman and the man need to communicate and work with one another for their common benefit and satisfaction.
THIS IS WHAT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS.
SIMPLE ISN’T IT.
No-one is perfect, but a good relationship should not involve a lot of intense button pushing (unless somone has major issues, but then it would not be a good relationship anyway), domination or control.
FREE TO BE ME!
Everytime a button is pushed it is either because we need to OUT GROW SOMETHING or it is not a button at all it is just the other person being ABUSIVE.
You said to BRING IT ON!
Well if speaking the truth is bringing it on, then I AM BRINGING IT ON.By the way Wonder Woman in the TV series of ‘Wonder Woman’ was a woman of lovely character. She only really pushed the buttons of the people who were committing crimes, I don’t know if they gave her a relationship or she would have pushed a few buttons there, as no one is perfect and she had an important job to do (but ONLY a few buttons and not INTENSELY) and she would have known that her relationship should come first.
As Superman of the movie ‘Superman’ was a man of lovely character who only really pushed the buttons of the people who were committing crimes (except with Lois Lane when he was elusive, but he couldn’t help that as he had a job to do and an identity to protect) but he knew that his relationship should come first.
So I don’t know if you should use the term wonder woman. lol.-
Chele July 17, 2012
@Sere wow why all the agro? Why not just be happy for Rob and his Wonder Woman, love, peace and sharing!
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Tania July 17, 2012
@Huntress – Pick me! Pick me! I’m in Perth, and haven’t met a single eligible man… where are they all hiding, at dog rescue centres???
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Ladylikestodance July 17, 2012
Tania, hang on sista, I was here first!
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Sere July 17, 2012
Chele,
My ‘capital lettering’ is not shouting.
I use it to make certain points stand out.I get worked up when people use the man, woman relationship thing as an excuse for people’s problems with relating to people in general.
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Jo Bolster July 18, 2012
Hello Astrid, I really feel what youre going through but keep your chin up you sound like a genuine person,
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Serena July 22, 2012
keep your chins up girls. i am a veteran of internet dating, and want to assure you that there are nice men there. i have had a few worthwhile relationships with men i have met onine – and not one unpleasant experience. i just haven’t met anyone i want to commit to yet. of course there have been many instances of knowing within 5 minutes of meeting a new contact that you want to get away, but i am experienced enough to have stated a timeline before the meeting, so when i do leave, it is not too hurtful. actually, if it doesn’t gel for me, it usually hasn’t gelled for him either so the exit can be executed without much egg on either face.
my criteria is pretty hard to live up to i know – at 60 years old and relatively well off – i am not about to commit to a man who is broke. or needy. he has to be on the same page as i am regarding finances, and independence, and i am absolutely truthful about that before i even meet.
a great quote from a friend of mine in sydney -
‘darling – at our age all they want is a nurse, or a purse’.
well i am not about to be either, so will probably end up living with a cat.
anyway. they are there. just be persistent, and don’t compromise on your standards. and don’t get insulted by rejection – if your profile says it the way it is, anyone who doesn’t want you, won’t fit into your parameters anyway.-
Jacqueline July 22, 2012
‘darling – at our age all they want is a nurse, or a purse’
that’s hilarious. As the comedians say: “it’s funny ’cause it’s true”.
Nice post Serena – realistic,balanced, and advice which is respectful of the needs of both parties – incuding not humiliating anyone in the process.
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