Corinne Grant

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but Straya is on the brink of destruction. Asylum seekers are starting to think they’re people; working Australians are standing up for themselves and no one is listening to the Liberals any more.

We are days away from total chaos and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s time to get angry. Really, really angry.

Asylum Seekers Think They’re People

Never let it be said that Scott Morrison is not here to protect us all. A code of conduct has been brought in for all asylum seekers who are living in the community on bridging visas. If an asylum seeker breaks the code, they will be returned to detention. Most of the code is simply telling asylum seekers they have to abide by the law of Australia. But there’s one very interesting clause in the contract: “You must not harass, intimidate or bully any other person or group of people or engage in any anti-social or disruptive activities that are inconsiderate, disrespectful or threaten the peaceful enjoyment of other members of the community.”

 This is somewhat confusing for asylum seekers because it seems to describe Scott Morrison. It also describes half the country’s football teams, most people on a Friday night, everyone at Schoolies and Andrew Bolt. Asylum seekers are complaining that they don’t know how to make sure they don’t break the clause, especially when accidentally farting in a lift could see them returned to immigration detention to be locked up for years.

 Rage Level: Extremely high.

Who the hell do these asylum seekers think they are? People?

Asylum seekers are shady, shifty characters who need to be watched more carefully than the rest of us. White backpackers who overstay their tourist visas, take cash-in-hand jobs, don’t pay any taxes and spend their weekends getting drunk, injuring themselves and winding up in our emergency rooms are totally fine. But brown people overstaying a parking spot? We can’t be having that. This is Straya. Asylum seekers are for bullying and scapegoating, vote-winning and dog-whistling.

How dare they get all uppity and demand the right to behave like the rest of us?

The Liberals finally admit to hating working people.

The Minister for Defence put his foot in it this week when he said he didn’t trust Australian workers to build a canoe, let alone a submarine. Shock and outrage ensued. In reality, the only mistake Minister David Johnston made was saying out loud what the rest of the Liberals were already thinking: the peasants who make things in this country are revolting. Why let our submarines be made by sub-humans who demand a wage that enables them to house, clothe and feed themselves when we can get them made overseas for a lot less money by sub-humans who are properly treated like sub-humans?

To get this country moving we need to destroy manufacturing. Manufacturing employs workers and workers are expensive. When workers want to be paid properly, the rich people who employ them have to go without diamond helicopters and gold bidets. You can’t have a prosperous country if rich people aren’t allowed to get richer. David Johnston is on the right path. We need to close down all the manufacturing, put all the icky common people out of work, and then we need to open more coal mines and authorise more dodgy financial advisers. That is how you run a country.

Rage Level: Incredible frustration that no-one can see the Liberal party’s genius.

Sure, Tony Abbott is claiming that coal is the future at the same time that half the world is wanting less of it, but that’s not the point. Coal creates greenhouse gasses and helps speed up climate change. When the droughts, the bushfires, the floods and rising sea levels really start doing their job, working Australians won’t be able to afford to buy food, or move to a safer location, or pay their soaring energy bills. They’ll die off from exposure or starvation and eventually, we’ll be left with a world where only the rich survive. In a couple of decades, Australia will be a haven for the obscenely wealthy and everyone else will be gone.

Pfft. And they say the Liberals don’t have a long term plan for Australia.

Evil unions have brainwashed Victorians.

Victorians voted on the weekend and ousted a Liberal government after just one term. It’s the first time that’s happened in sixty years. There are many theories floating around as to why the Liberal government went so quickly: it’s protection of the nasty, brutish MP Geoff Shaw; it’s complete refusal to tell Victorians how much a multi-billion dollar road project was really going to cost; the complete gutting of the TAFE system to the point where youth unemployment is now soaring out of control and kids who don’t get into uni have bugger all other options available to them, and a federal Liberal Party that is less popular than the smell of asparagus wee.

Sure, all of those things sound like good reasons to dump a government. But that’s not what happened. You see, the people of Victoria were threatened, harassed or at the very least tricked into voting for the ALP by the unions. This is what the Liberals are saying and who are we to argue?

Even more shocking is the type of unionist who threatened the defenceless and innocent citizens of Victoria. They were the worst thugs of all: nurses, teachers, firefighters and paramedics. Those evil henchmen and women who tend to the sick, teach our kids, protect us from bushfires and save our lives made Victorians vote for a party that would pay them properly.

How disgraceful.

Rage Level: Utter, utter despair.

Sadly, now that Victorians have turfed the Liberals, there’s no one to protect them from nurses and teachers. Without the Liberals, ambulance officers will now be paid properly and ambulances may actually get to people before they die. It’s a shocking situation. Victoria will become an Armageddon, the likes of which we’ve never seen before. Kids will be taught stuff, sick people will be healed, fires will be put out. It’s too horrifying to contemplate.

Straya is on the brink of destruction.

Bunker down people. Your only path to survival is to get rich, stay white and punch a nurse to keep her in line.



 width=*Corinne Grant is a stand-up comedian, MC, presenter, writer and broadcaster and has performed both nationally and internationally. In addition to her years on Rove Live and The Glasshouse, she has appeared on everything from Spicks and Specks to Dancing With The Stars to Good News Week. She has co-hosted successful national radio shows, performed countless solo live shows and appeared everywhere from the Sydney Opera House to the Kalgoorlie Arts Centre. Corinne’s first book, Lessons In Letting Go: Confessions of a Hoarder (Allen and Unwin) was released in September 2010 and went into reprint just months after its release. You can follow her on Twitter @corinne_grant.

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