CORINNE GRANT IS DESTROYING THE JOINT

Corinne Grant

Feminism is an embarrassment. What a lot of moaning over nothing!

Haven’t you got cakes to cook or clothes to mend? Haven’t you got menfolk to look after? And where are all your babies? In childcare, I’ll bet, learning how to snort heroin and be gay.

feministFeminism is the work of idle minds. If you found more constructive ways of filling your days (like putting on some make-up and doing your hair) then you wouldn’t be sitting around getting your panties in a twist over stupid little things that don’t concern you.

Oh boo hoo, men objectify women. Of course we do! It’s fun! You’re just jealous. If you didn’t spend so much time complaining and instead concentrated on Jazzercise and learning to hula hoop, maybe we’d ogle you too.

Feminism is exactly the kind of first-world problem crap that annoys men like me. Things could be heaps worse for you women, therefore you have no right to complain about anything. Think of all those poor ladies in Afghanistan who wear blankets over their heads and never, ever get the chance to look pretty for their menfolk. How would you like that? We give you the chance to be pretty every day and what do you do? You throw it all away by refusing to look like Miranda Kerr.

And as much as you are damaging and upsetting men, you’re doing yourselves a far worse injury. Women were happier before feminism. That is a fact. How do I know that to be true? Because before feminism, you never heard a lady complain about anything.

However, all is not lost. Even if you are one of those bra-burning, hairy feminazis, it’s not too late to return to the happiness of a bygone era. You just have to knock out a few of those irritating misconceptions about the world and about lady rights – or whatever you call them – and you’ll be all tickety-boo again.

Here’s a checklist of criticisms you need to sort out so that men like me will like you.

FEMINISTS AREN’T LADYLIKE

Ugh. Women speaking their minds. Who asked you for your opinion in the first place? No one! You just open up your mouths and start yapping like you have a right to it. Half the time you don’t even make any sense. Who the hell ever heard of going to university and getting some sort of PhD thingo just so you could talk about politics or the economy or something? I don’t have any degrees, I don’t even read the papers, but I know what I know and I know it’s right because I know it. You bring in all your shitty facts and big words and honestly, it just turns me off. Shut your mouth and stare at me wide-eyed and impressed.

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YOU COMPLAIN THAT YOU SHOULD GET PAID THE SAME AS MEN


Why? You’re lucky we pay you at all! You turn up to work and blather on with a whole lot of crap about ‘ethics in the workplace’ and ‘inclusive managerial styles’ and ‘providing a safe and nurturing workplace’. God on a stick, woman, what- ever happened to the days when you were the secretary who made the rest of us cups of tea and bought our children birthday presents on our behalves, and we spent all day trying to see up your skirt?

You know why we don’t pay you as well as we pay ourselves? Because you wreck everything. You’ve taken all the fun out of the workplace. I can’t talk about women how I want to any more, I can’t treat women how I want and worst of all, I’m expected to show respect. I just want to get drunk at lunch and slap someone on the arse. If you’re earning less than the blokes I employ, you’ve only got yourself to blame. You take away 20% of my freedom, I’ll take away 20% of your wage.

STOP THINKING YOU CAN RUN STUFF

Women aren’t made to lead anyone, unless it’s up the garden path. Everybody knows that. There’s never been a woman who has run anything, ever.

OK, there’s never been a woman who has run anything successfully, ever.

OK, there’s never been a woman I’ve wanted to root that has ever run anything successfully, ever.

Leadership is all about perception. You say Julia Gillard is leading the country, I say she’s not. Who wins the argument? I do, because I’m a man. If I say she’s useless, then she’s use- less. End of story. You can’t argue with that because as soon as you do, I’ll bring forth a million more men like me that will drown out your so-called ‘voices of reason’ with a lot of nonsensical yelling.

You can’t win. And you know why? Because I have more power than you and I get to define reality. Ha ha ha! You can blather on all you like, you can get gaggles of other women and supporters of these women’s ‘rights’ to back you up, you can start email and Facebook and Twitter campaigns, you can take over the online world but I’ll still have the radio and the television and the newspapers. Ha ha ha! And the radio and the television and the newspapers will never die! Ha ha ha! Oh wait…

YOU ARE TOO HAIRY

Shave your armpits, for god’s sake. What are you, an animal? God gave women hair in order to take it off. It gives you something to do in between all the wet T-shirt competitions. And what is it with those women who shave their heads and not their underarms? Are you some kind of horrible reverso Barbie doll?

I pull at your pits and it shortens on your head? It’s against god and nature, it hurts my eyes and it frightens the shit out of me. If you don’t want to look attractive for me, what do you want me for at all? Probably nothing. That is unnerving. Fix yourself up and stop giving me the heebie-jeebies.

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