COMING TO A STORE NEAR YOU…
Step right up, step right up!
You thought you’d seen it all? Well, feast your eyes on this. We’re putting the super back into supermarket!
A store so big, every person in your piddling little town – er, I mean delightful village – can go shopping at the same time, and still have room to swing a cat.
(We also offer pet insurance. More on that later.)
There’s nothing like it within cooee.
Well there is at Pakenham, but that’s a whole 15 minutes away – a lifetime in this fast-paced world.
Which is why Koo Wee Rup (pop. 2802) finally has its own Woolworths: One square metre of floor space for each and every one of you.
Why go to skanky Franky the fruiterer when you can come here?
Forget about those unsightly blemishes: all of our apples are cleverly chosen from one supplier to ensure consistency. Then, they’re cloistered in our cold rooms to make them nice and crunchy. Why put up with pineapples in summer and oranges in winter when you can have fruit year-round sourced from the four corners of the globe?
As for Bruce the butcher, I’ve heard he minces the meat with his bare hands. Ew.
The further away from the beast, the better (and I’m not just talking about Bruce’s personal hygiene here).
You wouldn’t even know our beef came from a dirty old cow.
Lovingly vacuum-packed by a spiffing machine-that-goes-ping, it retains all its freshness with the added bonus of sodium nitrite (not proven to be harmful to humans).
Think about the advantages; the economies of scale; the vertical integration.
Hop in your car, insured by Woolworths, fill up the tank using your 4c a litre discount docket, load your trolley with home brands, then buy a bottle of wine from the BWS on the way home.
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