CHILDREN AND DIVORCE. LET’S TALK.

50 Responses to this article

1. Layla October 15, 2012 Reply

    

    

   I split from my boys fathers when they were 18mths a 3mths old, it wasn’t a bad split but we were not right for each other, I don’t believe my boys were overly impacted at that young age. I met my now husband when my boys were 3 and 18mths, both these men are dad, both are heavily involved, infact their biological father is a brilliant friend who really I see as a brother.
   My middle son has begged me at times of arguments not to get a divorce and if I must not to remarry, he loves both his dads and our life and simply does want it to change – he is 13 now.
   I am very lucky, I’m a strong women that told both the dads that I wasn’t going to have kids with head problems because we couldn’t sort ourselves, I said that I’d move to Perth if any of us couldn’t make it work – people are constantly amazed at how our blended family works, my ex is also a huge part of my 3 to daughters life too and all three children go to him if anything were to happen to myself and my husband.
   I think if you accept things break but keep a level of love and friendship and respect then you can make it positive, who wants to teach our children to endure unhappiness – but adult problems are adult and the welfare of children must come first.
   I always find it hard to belive that sort much anger and hate can come from something where once there was so much love that children were created!

    
2. Belinda October 15, 2012 Reply

    

    

   It has a huge impact on a child’s life. I was 12 and I don’t think I’ve ever quite recovered, never quite regained the trust in people I had before. My parents split with ‘good’ reasons and one has subsequently found the life partner (and happiness) they probably wouldn’t otherwise have found. BUT parents make a commitment when they have children and I regret the sense of loss and fracture.

    
3. Av October 15, 2012 Reply

    

    

   I was 9 when my parents split up. I haven’t recovered either. If you are going to split it’s better done before the kids can remember. I still cry when I think about the ‘d’ word. And I’m 35 years old. I remember begging my parents not to split – it didn’t do any good. I have some lovely half brothers and sisters now. But I really don’t think that my parents are actually any happier than they could have been if they’d stayed together. But hey, who knows. All I know is it’s not a happy childhood to have to have two Christmases. If parents stay together their children are better loved.

    
4. Maggie October 15, 2012 Reply

    

    

   As someone who came from a not-broken home I can safely say that parents who stay together can also impact their kids negatively. I look at marriage as a joke – two people who don’t love each other and have no respect for each other, do not make a happy household and frankly, my problems with commitment and relationships stem from the fear that what they had is what a marriage is.
   So really, I think it depends on the kid. I genuinely would have been fine if they split up – yes, upset and it would have affected me, but I would have accepted it and welcomed it.
   I am the only person in my friend group whose parents are still together. My friends took a while to adjust to their parents divorces, but they are well-adjusted and in long-term, happy relationships, so divorce is not the beast it’s made out to be.

    
   • Jill October 15, 2012 Reply

      

      

     I couldn’t agree more. My parents marriage was so toxic I begged them to separate but they didn’t until I was an adult. I would do anything to stay out of the house including hanging around with dodgy friends in parks etc. I also started using alcohol inappropriately to wipe it all out which continued to be a coping mechanism up until my thirties when I managed to finally reign it in before I had kids. I made a lot of very poor choices but worked my crap out eventually and have now been with my husband 19 years, have three gorgeous kids and am a senior lawyer. Maybe their horrible marriage made me realise how lucky I am to have found myself in a good relationship. Who knows, maybe I would have made the same poor choices had they separated in response to that. I just know I will never forget the blight that their relationship was on my formative years.

      
5. Jenny October 15, 2012 Reply

    

    

   It’s a terrible decision to have to make. I had to stay because I had nowhere to take my three children, and absolutely no resources. Leaving them would not have been an option. But I know how much damage was caused to them by issues within the marriage which could never seem to be resolved. Had there been options available (this was very many years ago) I know that we would all have been much better off.
   I would suggest that if parents opt to stay together, there must be agreement between them that they have to maintain a warm and friendly atmosphere in the home and work through disagreements in a rational and unselfish manner. If this can’t be managed then all are better off if a cooperative split is arranged. If there is continued hostility either as a couple or separated then there will be harm done to children either way, but probably less in the case of separation.
   I agree that to have children is a commitment which cannot be avoided by either parent, and other influences should never be allowed to affect this duty of care.

    
6. Jo October 15, 2012 Reply

    

    

   I grew up in a blended family, at a time when it wasn’t the norm. In the early seventies most of the people I knew lived with their Mum & Dad. We, all of us kids there were 5 who blended together thrived. Of course there were bumpy times but thanks to the efforts of all adults involved who without an abundance of how to manuals or blogs to turn to did a brilliant job. I feel very blessed to have the family life that I did. Really if biological parents had stayed together it would have been a diaster. And in saying all of that, my main intention in life is to do all that I can for my kids to grow up with their parents living harmoniously together.

    
7. Anon for this one October 15, 2012 Reply

    

    

   My parents split just a couple of years ago, when I was 28 – my birthday was actually three weeks after my mum left my dad.

   The split had a massive affect on me, and on my brother and sisters, especially my youngest sister who was still at home. Unfortunately, my mum went totally off the rails and became incredibly vindictive and nasty, attempting to force us kids to choose sides, and played awful tricks with finances. All of this behaviour and more means that I don’t see her anymore, except at family functions.

   My parents splitting up was for the best, but I’m so sad I’ve essentially lost my mum. I am holding on, hard, to the memories of her as she used to be, when she was calm and confident and laughing, and I am delighted that my relationship with my dad has just gotten even stronger.

    
8. A October 15, 2012 Reply

    

    

   My parents are (thankfully) still together. Certainly as parents theres things i would have wanted them to do differently. But that stability has been amazing. The main impact their stability has had on me is how I view relationships. I expect things to get hard, and i expect to stick it out. I expect loyalty and an endurimg level of commitment. Of course so many people are the children of divocees and eventually i do end up dating them. Im yet to find a (adult) child of divorce who has some emotional grit when it comes to making things work. I know not all are like this but in my experience they are happier to walk away and are more ‘me’ orientated than those who have grown up with both parents seem to be. Those who have parents still together seem to have a better idea of just how much hard work it takes to stay together. And they put in that effort. Just an observation.
   Of course nobody should stay though violence so in some cases walking away is best.

    
9. Janet Georgouras October 15, 2012 Reply

    

    

   It is the business of the parents. Nobody can demand that two people who are irreconcilable should be bound together for life. My parents separated when I was five but never divorced. They both contributed a great deal to my life and I am appreciative of them both. I accepted their decisions, as I expected them to accept mine.

    
10. Norelle October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    It is always preferable of course that people stay together; but only when they are mostly happy or at least have respect for each other. if they’re not then harm can also be done to the children and the adults. Don’t forget it is not only personalities traits that cause demise of marriages. There might be an addiction (gambling, drink) or another person (though their arrival is usually just a catalyst for something that was going to happen anyway). I’m surprised how children cope – but often , even subconsciously, they might even be more ready than the adults if they witness a bad situation.

     
11. Lou October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    As a child I would fantasize that my parents would break up & we could live in a peaceful home with my mother. There was violence, alcoholism & chaos. Best that children are not brought up in that environment.

    Having said that though I can’t help but think that where there is no abuse in the relationships, our expectations of what we should ‘get’ from a relationship feed a mindset that creates dissatisfaction. Staying with a partner ‘for the kids’ is not a good idea in my opinion but working on yourself, your expectations and determining your values (ie what is more important – providing a secure base for the children or having a relationship that meets all my needs?). I would like to think that if I were unhappy in my marriage I would really work on myself – for my own sake and the sake of the children.

     
12. anon for this October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    What is better – staying together for the kids despite having to deal with an alcoholic father and an unhappy mother, or acknowledging that life together isn’t going to work and separate from each other making sure that unless I had something nice to say about their dad, then no comments were necessary. I obviously chose the latter with no regrets. My children were 12 and 13 at the time (they are now adults) and hopefully it hasn’t put them off having a stable relationship.

    There is no right or wrong way about the choice, you have to do what you feel is right. But it is definitely a touch choice.

     
13. Sleuthcity October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    So sad. What is real is that both boys still have loving parents. That is the best outcome for all.

     
14. Anon October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My mum left my dad when I was about three and I remember only fragments, such as the furniture being moved out and post separation arguments. My mum was in dire circumstances – for a time, without a fridge, without a phone, without a washing machine (my dad refused to hand things over despite my mum paying for them through two jobs and putting him through a tech course) working full time, without family in town to help. She was too proud to take any welfare or to demand in court the paltry maintenance payments that my dad refused to pay. It was hard for her, and as a consequence, hard for me, but never ever do I think she did the wrong thing. The odd argument between people is one thing, but if you are perpetually miserable and living a life half fulfilled, you should never stay together for the children. I felt guilt because things were made harder because she had me to look after as well as herself, but i would feel more guilt if she had of stayed in a bad relationship because of me. Unfortunately she has some pretty awful relationships after my dad, and I saw the worst in men, but she wasn’t in them because of me, they were her choice and I learned from each of them. I learned, get educated, surround yourself with good people, never sell yourself short and make sure you find a partner in life who is kind and smart and will love you and your children unconditionally. I found that and i know how much our marriage means to our kids, but i also still think, if a relationship is marred by sadness, get out for the sake of yourself and for the sake of the kids. We have one life, make the most of it.

     
15. Joni October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My parents did not split but my sister and brother both had nasty divorces recently and I noticed since then that our 3 older kids look anxious when hubby and I disagree on something. The other day our eldest daughter asked ” Are you and Dad divorcing?” when we were having a discussion and we both said “NO WAY! ” and her relief was palpable.

    Kids need stability and I also have felt like walking away at times as I am sure my husband may have too but the thought of what that would do to everyone is enough to step back in and put in renewed effort and I am always glad I have. We are now at the 18 years married mark.

     
16. Lynne October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    I separated from my husband when my daughters were 19 and 16 and I really underestimated how much it would traumatise them and affect their lives, especially the 19-year-old. I stupidly thought that they were old enough to deal with it and secure enough in themselves to not have it affect them. Their father and I worked very hard to make it as amicable as possible.

    If I knew then what I know now, I don’t know if I would do it. Yes, I am very happy now and so is their father, but they both suffered and I feel a lot of guilt seeing how much it hurt them. I took their home away from them and made them miserable for a long time. I feel I chose my happiness above theirs.

     
17. Alice Shaw October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Divorce isn’t fun. I did what I thought I could to save my marriage but his constant infidelity and the endless abuse meant there was no hope. My children still lament the fact that their parents aren’t married but the damage which would have been done had we stayed together would have far outweighed the impact of being children of divorce. They don’t really know this of course because mercifully they were young enough that they don’t remember how awful it was. At the time I would have done just about anything to keep the marriage together, and now I am relieved that it ended when it did.

     
18. The Huntress October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    I left my sons father when he was 3 years old. When my tiny little boy stormed up to his dad (who is 6’4″ and 130kg) and reached up as high as he could to smack him on the leg and shouted “You don’t hurt my mummy!!!” I knew it was time to leave. The alcohol and the violence was sliding out of control and I was the only person who could protect my boy.

    It was a nasty split, much vindictiveness and spite on my exes part. My son now has severe mental health problems as a result of what he has been through and I shudder to think what his mental health would be (or even if we would still be alive) if we hadn’t left. I do not believe in people staying together ‘for the children’. It does nobody any favours. I now have a stable family life, there is no violence in our home and my son is growing up without the terrible influences of alcohol and violence.

     
19. anne louise October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My parents had a shocking marriage, violence…. the lot. and we children were often caught up in the midst of it, even to the point of trying to physically separate them from fighting, But one time, my Dad was going to leave. I could not have borne it. I think I would have died. They stayed together for a few years longer and eventually split when we were grown.
    My own children’s father left the family when they were 5, 7 and 11. They have been terribly affected by it. At first the split was amicable but when I started a relationship with another man, there was real animosity and the children were exposed to some awful behaviour, and eventually the pin was pulled on the child support.

    There is no way children should be expected to deal with this sort of thing.
    I feel strongly that emotional abuse of the children should be considered a crime, and it should be dealt with through education initially, and there after through intervention of the family law courts. Effective intervention, and not lengthy and expensive court cases. Where there is illness which can cause some of this trouble, then that would be identified and dealt with instead of letting the children struggle along without help.
    And also I believe that a parent’s ability to press their point by with holding finances and their responsibilities towards their children should not be tolerated. Our family law and child support powers are geared towards protecting the most devious and wealthy party in the family relationship. We need to get real about putting the children first.
    I’m not saying that families other than my own should either stay together or break up.What ever happens, parents need to behave in a civil manner and protect the children.

     
20. Nikki @ Styling You October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Ahh, product of divorce here … and instigator as well. There is no way my kids would be better off if I’d stayed with my husband. Doesn’t mean it has been smooth sailing but at least my kids will grow up understanding that it’s important to be happy and it’s important to have relationships that are loving and real.

     
21. susan October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    I was an 18yo affected by the separation of two people who were clearly ill-matched. i believe my mother accepted my father’s wedding proposal on the rebound, having been abandoned days out from her own wedding, months earlier.

    They were vastly different in personality and outlook and stayed ‘together’ for 28 years. My mother would infrequently say to me how unhappy she was but had nowhere to go ‘with you 4 kids’ so she stayed, which is an alarming disclosure, making me feel really anxious and somewhat guilty. I didn’t want to know about their adult problems, I wanted things to stay the same.

    Then one day she announced she was leaving and the next day she was gone, along with half the furniture and fixtures of the house, I would discover things missing for a long time afterwards. She never said where she was going and it was long days before Dad said where we could find her. I felt totally abandoned, completely betrayed and deeply angry, she didn’t tell us where she was living but left it to Dad. I was supposed to be getting ready to leave the nest but she ruined the nest instead. Now who would catch me if I fell?

    It sure did fast-track rebellion, I searched for security and stability, a place to belong in all the wrong places, aborting a pregnancy the following year (with much-needed support from both parents). My 17yo brother fast-tracked to independence and an unsuitable lifestyle he was far too vulnerable and ill-prepared for. Everything I’d known had changed so utterly and so breathtakingly fast that I was left in shock and really struggled to be open to the world and other people and to find my way again for a long time, afraid of what else would be ripped from me.

    My mother acknowledges she could have done it different and as an adult I can see her perspective, she couldn’t tolerate it for another minute. She thought we were old enough to deal with it, maybe if she’d taken the time to talk to us the transition would have been easier? Writing this, the hurt is as fresh today as it was then.

     
22. Siobhan October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Divorce has an impact on children whether infants, toddlers, pre-teens, adolescents or young adults. Unfortunately, there is no way around it and it’s delusional to imagine that growing up without two supportive parents around to usher you safely through life will be imperfect. But then, so is life.

    However, growing up with two “good enough” (http://changingminds.org/disciplines/psychoanalysis/concepts/good-enough_mother.htm) is not necessarily something that any of us can guarantee for our children.

    Death, chronic physical and mental illness, war, famine, addictions, and the demands of work mean that children are (and have been for as long as there have been children and parents), at risk of abandonment, neglect and trauma.
    Some couples have no other choice but to end their relationships for their own sanity or safety.

    Both women and men can be driven to a decision based on the lesser of two evils: Do I stay in this toxic, violent, or unloving relationship and model this way of relating for my children? Or do I get out knowing that my children’s sense of security in their known world and relationships will perhaps always be damaged, and with it their own ability to establish secure and nurturing relationships compromised? Tough call.
    Either way, children are going to be hurt. But children are also hurt and wounded in stable families and communities. So it seems to me that whether a single or coupled parent, the question to ask is “what do I need to do for my child/children’s emotional, psychological, intellectual and physical well being?” and go about doing that.

    Once your relationship is at an end (and in circumstances where there is no risk of violence or abuse to your children), stop fighting with your co-parent, stop trying to punish them for who they are in relationship to you and allow them to be the best parent they can be, encourage your child/children’s love for their other parent, show each other respect, make room for the differences in your parenting styles and assume that they, too, might just be a “good enough” parent.

     
23. cacsense October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My parents “stayed together for the sake of the children” – and every one us wishes they didn’t. We grew up living in absolute terror of their fights. We woke up soe mornings and neither of them were home – because our father had taken our mother to the hospital to get her patched up.

    I get so infuriated by people who insist that kids are better off with “in tact” families. What they need is love and safety – and sometimes that can only happen if the parents are not together.

    I became a single parent – after trying very, very hard to make my marriage work. I worked very hard to minimise any possible fall out for my child. He is now an adult and has no issues with his parent’s divorce. However me, and my siblings still suffer from the horrid messages we absorbed as frightened and vulnerable children.

     
24. ro.watson October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Is stability illusory? Are mood swings and ups and downs in relationships real. I still have guilt about advising my mum not to divorce my dad (in the era before no fault divorce). The advice was selfishly driven by the fact, that at 15, I was her main confidante …..I did not want to be the only one looking after her(as the “eldest”). Dad was having a breakdown and straying~ both parents are dead..anyway that interdependancy between them carried on after I left the nest. He had a heart attack~ she had a chronic illness…

     
25. blueblood October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My mother left my father when i was 11. I remember her (very unusually) picking me up after school and telling me and my brother that we weren’t going home and that she had found somewhere else to live away from dad and I remember saying “that’s good” and feeling so relieved that we wouldn’t have to hear any more arguments or make sure we finished breakfast and rush out of the house before dad got out of the shower again.
    I tried so, so hard to make my marriage work, I stayed much longer than was good for my (or the kids’) mental health, in part because of my husband’s constant reminders that MY parents divorced and his were together (although his mother’s nasty contempt for his father were clear for anybody to see) as though that somehow made him a better, more respectable person. He bullied me so much that I became a pathetic shadow of the person I had been.
    A couple of years after we separated I was out having dinner with my best friend when she looked at me for a few long seconds and said ” I think you’re back”. She smiled, I burst into tears, but I’ve never looked back.

     
    • anne louise October 16, 2012 Reply

       

       

      You’ve given me goose pimples that won’t go away Blueblood. I’m glad you got back.

       
26. ro.watson October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My last lover said~as she left me~ you know~ I wanted you to help raise (her adult son’s as yet unborn children). Guilt as purgative~ but otherwise pretty useless~ for witness or bearer..

     
27. ro.watson October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Anyway~ alcohol(and other drugs) have their place in muting “mood swings” but only when kids are not about….Wrong with them as kids….trust your instincts if your partner is avoiding or defaming you~ I tried to protect my partner from a history I needed to heal from..I tried sorting by myself~ her words “I have been patient long enough”~ which I found and still find deprecatng~just don’t go there…Mismatch her sociability and my internality??She compressed all this into “you embarassed me” Well bugger me, at aloos how someone who works with abuse cannot see/perceive stigma making.xx

     
28. Christine Gates October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My Mother stayed in an abusive marriage for 20 years in the mistaken belief that this was better for the children. I ended my marriage when my children were 5 & 7 years as I believed if they had at least one happy loving parent they would be OK. 20 years later their Dad and I have done a pretty good job in co parenting and we have 2 wonderful adult sons to be proud of. The secret: We agreed post relationship breakdown that 1st 2nd & 3rd priority was always our boys & our crap was to be kept away from their lives – no putting down the other parent to the children. Sometimes I screamed my anger & frustration BUT always with friends and never near the boys. Our sons gained the stability of 2 loving parents who adored them and made decisions to live in the same area to make weekly co parenting work. New partner relationships had to work around this. Post separation you make sure your kids are the center of your decisions until they are old enough to cope in the reality of the adult work. It is now about leaving V staying. It is about creating the most loving secure place for our children.

     
29. Jennie October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    No good answer to this one, judging by all these posts.

    The only thing I can add is for those who are guilty because they think their kids are badly affected by divorce – don’t. My daughter was raised in a loving home with little fighting and has gone completely off the rails as a young adult, whereas I have a good friend who is twice divorced and her daughter (the same age as mine) is already a successful lawyer with her own home and is engaged to a lovely young man.

    A psychotherapist I took my daughter to told me that my daughter is naive and unworldly – unable to see what is being done to her by an abusive man because she has never had anything else go wrong in her life! *sigh*

    So all my efforts to love and nurture her and protect her from all harm may have been the wrong thing to do becuase apparently she has not learned how to deal with bad people, and having some hardship in life may actually be good for kids! Who knew?

     
    • Ella October 18, 2012 Reply

       

       

      Jennie, a big thank you. I was a child of divorce and my greatest wish was to do better. Unfortunatelly, it was not to be. The children, well lets just say, its not been good.

      So thank you for pointing out that even in the best of circumstancess things may not work out, as you might have hoped and that there are no easy answers.

       
30. Julie Wright October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    There are no guarantees, no matter which approach you take. There is no such thing as perfect parents, perfect arrangements, perfect anything.
    If the parents have the same values and beliefs in the raising of their children, then they are miles ahead.
    But from experience I can honestly say you can over compensate too much in making up for the failure of a marriage. Don”t.
    It is a mine field for the children and the parents, you get through as best you can and trust your gut instinct as a parent and hope to god that they respect and love you at the end before they fly free from the nest.
    There is no easy answer. No guarantees. Just love them.

     
31. julie October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    I’m another who dearly wishes my parents had divorced. I’m sure she only married him because he asked her! They married in the late 50s and of course there ‘was no divorce’ for them.

    Years of growing up in house where there was constant fighting and no love is something that cuts deep. I have very little to do with my mother now – such a bitter horrible woman.

     
32. El October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    I spent my childhood and teenage years wishing that my parents would split up. They hated each other for as long as I could remember. There would be such tension in our household, it was an awful, toxic environment. Now I carry around the baggage of a hate/fear filled household. I can’t stand to be around people who are loud, drunk or arguing.
    I’m so lucky I found my beautiful husband. We’ve been together since we were 18, 12 years now, and now have our own son. We’re both determined to work hard on our marriage and on respecting each other. But, if it gets to the point where we both cant stand each other anymore then we’ve both agreed to be honest with each other and leave. I’d hate to subject my son to parents who don’t love or respect each other. It’s not worth it.

     
33. cacsense October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Thank you to everyone who has shared the utter misery of living with parents who should not have stayed together. I always feel quite alone in this because it is something the media always seems to ignore. I feel a bit saner today!

     
34. Joni October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    I think Wendy means that f there is no violence, sex abuse or infidelity and there are children involved it is worth persevering in the marriage and that divorce has enormous impact on children.

     
    • Hawkesbury Lass October 16, 2012 Reply

       

       

      Divorce (or, in my case, separating from a de facto relationship which involved a cute kid) is really, really tough. My parents did it when I was 14 and I remember being so relieved because at last the screaming would stop. Mum still craps on about the infidelity and money issues though …

      In my case there was no violence, alcoholism, infidelity, poverty or screaming arguments. Yet there was an abiding contempt for me, my hopes and dreams and I knew that I could not be the person or parent I wanted to be living with that “nice man”. When I left his own parents and siblings understood only too well.

      My son believes the son shines out of his dad’s arse and I have to bite my tongue so hard (not always successfully) but, after five years of a long, long road, I’m with someone I and my son consider worthy to be my life partner, and I am no longer asked why I won’t get back with dad. I hope that my son will understand one day why I couldn’t stay, but I also know that he has a routine, and big blended and extended family who see him as an individual, not as a child somehow tainted by divorce.

       
35. Wendy Harmer October 15, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Yes, thanks Joni… I did leave the question rather open ended because I was keen for all opinions from across the spectrum. I’d in no way suggest people stay in a abusive relationship for the sake of the children. Sometimes however, as people have said it is worth persevering . I know quite a few women who are staying that extra few years until the kids are older… but from the comments here and on our Facebook page it seems that it’s the very young children who recover quickest.
    There are times in life with children that it’s is all about compromise… and it’s been interesting to hear all the different decisions people have come to.
    I’m glad to see it’s brought some comfort to some to read the stories here.

     
36. Mila October 16, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Between divorce and staying-together-for- the-sake-of -the-kids, there is a third way : a good couple counsellor ( I know: ALL of them are not trustworthy but some of them are really good).
    My husband and I have been seeing one for a while and our relationships have improved dramatically .
    No use of the broomstick yet !

     
37. anon October 16, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Reading these negative splitting up stories, I’m thinking perhaps I was a bit cavalier and could have damaged the kids/should have felt guilty.
    I had a drink problem, he had a fidelity problem and we both realised staying together for the sake of the children then aged five and seven, didn’t have to be. We lived pretty separate lives anyway. I moved into a house around the corner and he remarried. He and his wife looked after the children while I was in re-hab and until I’d become financially independent, they had the children a great deal of the time – I’m so grateful for this though never thanked his wife till years later. The kids would stay with me often and most weekends and eventually came to live with met when they were at uni. Both lots of parents’ doors were always open and we remained friends. Now I speak to my children (both happily married with their own) and they say their lives didn’t really change when we split up.
    Being financially ok had a lot to do with it.

     
38. anne louise October 16, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Many of my children’s class mates have come from separated parents. My impression is that if both parents are reasonable and caring for the children there doesn’t seem to be any more problems than for those children from a together family. The thing is to choose a partner wisely in the first place.

     
39. Scandi Coast Home October 16, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My hubby and I both grew up in homes with unhappy marriages and we had to learn how to create our own style of marriage and let go of what we grew up with in order to be happy, which we now are ;O)
    My parents’ toxic marriage made sure I wasn’t a young girl who dreamt of getting married like all my friends did, that’s for sure, so it still comes as a surprise to me that I am very happily married!!! ;O)
    Tania xx

     
    • anne louise October 16, 2012 Reply

       

       

      I took so much care to avoid getting involved in a relationship like my parents’ that I didn’t see other non compatible traits in my first husband. My poor children – I’ve already warned them. I will interfere…..

       
40. SarahMac October 16, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My parents split when I was 12, my mother ended it. Quite simply, even now as a woman of 32 who has experienced a pretty varied range of life changing events, it is the one thing that still causes me deep pain. It was probably partly to do with the sensitive age I was at the time and also my particular personality, but the grief I feel when I think about it is still raw. It has had ramifications for every part of my adult life and I will do everything I can to ensure it doesn’t happen to my marriage.

     
41. Poeme04 October 16, 2012 Reply

     

     

    I have a friend who lives in a house where her parents are complete strangers to each other. She often tells me she wishes they had separated years ago so that they both had a chance to find happiness. I will never forget her coming over to my house one day and being confused that my dad slept in the same room as my mum – her definition of normal at the time (she was 15!!) was that mums slept in the bedroom and dads slept on the couch. She now has a real issue with any sort of intimacy or meaningful relationship, as growing up she never saw anything of the sort from either of her parents, and they are both miserable all the time. She also does not feel like she can talk to them about it which is really quite sad.

     
42. Robert October 16, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My parents separated when I was 5. I lived with my father and paternal grandparents and only saw my mother now and again – there was no pattern to her visits. I very much longed for a *normal* family – nearly all my friends had mums and dads living together back then (though things changed by my teenager years).

    I believe the long term effect on me of my parent’s separation was an inability to *end* relationships, even when I knew it was the best thing to do – others have left me, but I have never left anyone.

    Now I fear bequeathing a broken marriage on my 10 year old son. His mother and I have a very strained relationship and often’s the time I think that it would be better for him to have 2 homes with less stressed parents. Yet I don’t have the guts to walk out and I do worry about the short and long term consequences for my son, whether I stay or go.

    Perhaps it’s time to see a counselor – thanks for raising the topic & for the wise comments

     
43. Joni October 16, 2012 Reply

     

     

    Take heart, high school aged children I taught in the 1980s and 1990s who had come from so called “broken homes” have mostly had good stable, long term marriages themselves. They said that they worked hard to give their children the stability they did not have themselves.

     
44. Julie October 17, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My parents divorced when I saw very little, I don’t remember them together. I can’t for one instance imagine being married to my father. He is a somewhat emotionally distant man (and he’s better with me than most people). My Mum reckons that they married in an era when people didn’t know each other well enough, you just ‘dated’ – no living together and weekends away. The marriage didn’t last long. When I was younger I think you generally wish your parents to be back together. As an adult, and now a wife and Mother myself, I can see I was better off with my parents not being together. (My Father went onto marry a nasty and controlling woman, but that’s another story.) My mother had full custody. I am eternally grateful for that. I can see shared custody works in some situations, but I feel (and now I can also speak as a teacher), very few. Kids need a ‘home’, a ‘base’, their own ‘space’. In 50/50 arrangements they don’t have that. However I do believe kids are better off with 2 parents who love them, maybe not in the same house. I am all over the place here – it’s such a complex, multi-layered issue. For my own kids, I would hate us to divorce. I can’t imagine them coping (though I know kids do). We fight (who doesn’t?) and the kids hate it, but most of the time, we are all very happy. When the environment becomes toxic, that’s no good for kids to grow up in. I think I want to say, there’s a line. Kids are generally better off with their parents together. If there is abuse, or something that makes the relationship impossible to work, then the kids are probably better off with their parents apart. Then the parents have to work out, how to still co-parent successfully. It’s such a complex issue. I’m sad about Russell Crowe’s marriage, for both the kids, and him and his wife. They have the added complication of media intrusion!

     
45. Cherie October 22, 2012 Reply

     

     

    My parents divorced when I was 15 and it was a total relief when they did. I’d been hoping and wishing they would for at least 2 years before they finally did.

    Staying together “for the kids” is a rubbish idea, if it means you’re providing a home where the parents don’t love and respect each other and are constantly walking on eggshells.