NO KIDS… AND LOVING IT
The vast majority of Australians who do not want to have children, are childless by choice.
That was the news from the academic world this week. But didn’t we already know that?
A survey by Edith Cowan University ( WA) lecturer in psychology, Bronwyn Harman found three quarters of people without children had made an active choice to not have them. While almost 30 per cent said they may have children later in life, a similar amount said they simply were not maternal/paternal.
“Many of these said it was not one particular reason, but not being maternal was the closest possible explanation,” Dr Harman said.
Women without children were often treated harsher in relation to their lack of children because of a preconceived cultural belief that women were meant to have children and were defined by their ability to raise a child, she added.
Alana Schetzer knows all this, by heart. This is her story…
For as long as I have been aware of my conscious thoughts, I have never felt the urge to have a child.
And yet when I tell people this, they don’t believe me.
At first, I wondered if I had spoken too softly or whether I just kept speaking with people who had hearing problems. No, it wasn’t that,unfortunately.
It turns out a 29 year-old woman living in the year 2012 declaring she doesn’t want to procreate is still too bizarre for a lot of people to accept. Even though I look after myself and earn my own money, it appears I’m not deemed mature enough to be parted from
the mythical female desire to go forth and multiply.
I know I’m not the only one. It brings no comfort to be part of a group that constantly has to justify their own decisions.
Depending on what research you read, up to one in four women living today will not have children. That’s a big chunk of people. And yet the bigger group – the 75 per cent of women who do have children – don’t have their motive or decision questioned.
It’s viewed as a ‘natural’ thing to do. In fact, a woman’s announcement that she wants children is still seen as the fulfillment of womanhood.
The idea of criticising a pregnant women – “Are you sure you want to do this?” – would be rightly viewed as insulting and offensive. But not the other way, apparently.
Even my mum, who knows me better than anyone, will occasionally question my decision. Maybe she thought my decision was cute 10 years ago, when I was still a teenager and that decision had no real consequences. But now that I’m in the “now or never” age bracket, I’m made to feel like I should reconsider.
And it’s not just my Mum who talks like that. These questions and comments have become so prevalent that I have a stock of pre-prepared answers when they strike:
“Do you hate children?”
” No, I love my nephew and niece with all my heart, and then some.”
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93 Responses to this article
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Lynn September 7, 2012
I don’t have children, by choice. Recently my mother died, this really shock me up, much more than I expected. I found myself wondering if I had made the right decision in not having children, because, it means I will have no one to look after me when I am old. I have since come to my senses and realise that this would have been a very wrong, even selfish, reason to have children.
The most common expression I get is that I I must be selfish. Usually not directly, but people will mention other people they know who don’t have children and they say something like, ‘I think they are just too selfish to have children’.
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Robert September 7, 2012
My wife and I delayed having children (and then only one) until we were 41 & 40 respectively. I’m now 50. The past 10 years have been best of my life. For me, all the travel, living overseas and hedonistic lifestyle of my younger years are nothing compared to the joy of being a dad. But you’re right, it has to be your choice and you have to be prepared to make sacrifices. Every child deserves to be loved … not every adult “deserves” (or needs) to be a parent.
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You can have your cake and eat it September 7, 2012
Quaint. I used to feel the same. Then, at 30 with zero maternal urges and distinctly disliking other people’s children, I thought through the options. I met someone who I thought would be a good partner and dad. It was very clear I was the best thing that ever happened to my parents (their opinion, not mine). My dad was facing terminal cancer and found a lot of comfort in knowing mum and I would be there. I thought: having 2 kids could be the worst thing I ever do but I can always return to my trendy city studio to live out the rest of my days pursuing my hobbies and watching the world go by while I sit in a cafe. But at least I won’t die wondering. Being a parent is a primal and emotionally overwhelming experience. I didn’t want to miss something so life changing. I wanted to find out what it was my parents felt.
My father died when I was 8 months pregnant. Is there anything else you would like to do?’ i asked him towards the end. ‘no, I’ve had everything. Most of all, I had you.’
As the doctor said: ‘if you are waiting for the right man, wait. If you are waiting for a new kitchen, don’t wait.’ -
Relish September 7, 2012
“Every child deserves to be born being wanted and loved.
Anything less isn’t fair on the child.”Thank you! I’m a mother of three and I wanted (desperately) each and every one of them.
So often I see parents who have had children because “it’s just what you do” not because they gave it real and conscious thought. I appreciate women like you who are making a decision around procreation and I wish that more would do the same.
Having children is wonderful but it is also hard, relentless work and you can’t hand them back, resign or parent part-time. Sadly, people do because they didn’t actually want the life they have, they followed the crowd.
Thank you for this piece, and for validating choice in reproduction.
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sooz September 7, 2012
You certainly aren’t anywhere near the ‘now or never’ phase for childbearing. Although fertility does decline after 35, of course many women these days have babies in their late 30s and early 40s. I had my first at 42 and agree with Robert that it’s the best thing I ever did, all the more appreciated as I’d already had over two decades of childless adult life. I accept that some women don’t want to have children but I don’t think anyone in their 20s can say ‘never’ about anything – that’s the wonderful thing about life, it has the capacity to throw up incredible surprises. You have no idea where you’ll be at age 36 or who with or what emotions will grab you. Meanwhile, enjoy your life as it is.
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Colette September 7, 2012
I dont usually respond to articles but I wanted to respond to this one as of the four comments so far, three of them are from people with children and I want to add another childless person’s point of view to the mix.
I am childless both by choice and circumstance. Choice because I never felt a great urge to have children, and by circumstance because I ended up with a partner who is 16 years older than me, who himself had a child at the age of 19 and was not interested in having more children. We got together when I was 26 and he was 42, and now, 22 years later when I am 48 and he is 64 I do occassionally wonder about how my life could have been different if I had had children but in the same way that I wonder how my life would have been different if I had gone to university straight out of school instead of waiting till I was in my forties.
I am a really brilliant auntie (if I may say so myself), I love my nieces and nephews and spend a lot of time with them and I have always had children in my life as my sisters have kids ranging in age from 3 to 28.
I dont regret not having children, I always thought that the only way that I would have a child is if I got to 40 years old and thought “well it’s now or never”, then when I did get to that age I thought “oh well, I guess it’s never”. I am aware that I have missed out on a great experience but I’ve also had great experiences because I haven’t had children.
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Lydia September 7, 2012
Ahh… Colette… we should talk! I am 45 and my husband is 64. He has two adult children from his first marriage. We never planned to have any – mainly due to his age and also because I didn’t really mind either way. But, things don’t always work out as planned – I found myself pregnant in the last year of a Law degree when I was 38. We were both very squeamish about a termination (ironically I was writing a paper on women’s reproductive rights at the time, and was VERY supportive of women’s rights to choose. I still am, but when it came down to a decision for us, well, I couldn’t do it, even though I knew how awful it could be to have a child at our ages). Would have had the termination, knowing what I now know? It’s hard to say – I generally would say, no, it’s been fabulous. I do think having children makes you wake up to just so many things – it is an extraordinary experience. But, on the other hand, I’ve never worked so hard in my life, and it’s cut off lots of things for me, and now we are facing my husband’s issues with wanting to cut back on work, but being unable to afford to do so. It’s been hard on our marriage too. I would be interested to hear more of your experience with that decision.
Generally, though, I am somewhat bemused at the way that childless people get so hot under the collar about being asked why they don’t have children. It’s not always designed to be ‘negative’ and ‘intrusive’ – people might ask because they are just interested (in someone else rather than themselves, ha!). I often ask people why they do or don’t have children because I wonder how people make such a decision – I wonder about my own choices. How can a person really make the choice, when they have no idea what they are missing. And, no, having to put up with other people’s ‘screaming brats in the coffee shop ruining my flat white’ (as the conversation often goes), does not count!
Which brings me to my other point: I really do not understand the ‘we hate children’ mob, who seem to dominate blogs whenever these questions come up. As a society, we can all do better than that, surely. You were all children once, and therefore part of a ‘family’. We can all learn from each other. It’s called ‘life’! These questions – what does it mean to women (and men) to decide to not have children, or to have them? What does it mean for us as a society? For the future? How should we best accommodate people’s needs when they are at different ages and stages? They are serious questions, not something to talk about as if it’s a combat sport.
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Trish September 8, 2012
Beautiful response! I sincerely hope the author has the maturity to take your insights on board
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sharon T September 7, 2012
I agree and can’t add anything to Relish’s post
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Liz Brooks September 7, 2012
I admire your decision not to have children. I knew I wanted children and had four sons. I consider myself a feminist, as I was able to make the choice at the time to stay at home. My difficulty came in ending up HAVING to go back to work due to severe financial difficulties (Sexually Transmitted Debt – Hobson’s choice!) when all I wanted was to be at home with my sons and raise them myself. Now women think they can HAVE IT ALL, when they really can’t. When I worked, there is no doubt at all in my mind that my sons suffered, some considerably, as I sometimes had to choose child care that was inadequate. For one son, this problem has had ongoing life difficulties. Their father was always working very long hours, and so could give no practical help whatsoever. My main worry today is that many career women look down on women who choose to stay at home and procreate and many mothers look down on career women who think they must have children AND continue with their important careers. There is no doubt some children suffer. Why not make the clear choice between mothering and a career? After all, that is what early first-phase-feminism was all about, and I note that at least one of Hoopla’s writers has raised that very issue recently!
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Nicola September 7, 2012
I’m also childless by choice and nearing my 47th birthday. I have no regrets so far. My friends with small children don’t really understand but interestingly those with older teenagers are extremely envious. Ultimately we all choose our own paths. I’m sure that both are extremely rewarding. It’s nice to have the topic discussed openly.
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Benison O'Reilly September 7, 2012
Funny you should say that because I have teenagers & it’s only now they’re older I’m appreciating the real pleasures of being a parent. It’s not like my sons are angels either – far from it! They are, however, interesting human beings, with their own opinions and. I’m delighted to say, some impressive ethics. It was the early baby stuff I found tedious.
I certainly would never question anyone’s decision not to have children, however. To attest a childless woman is ‘unfulfilled’ is all parts of BS!
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Elizabeth September 20, 2012
It’s satisfying to my curiosity to see that people REALLY DON’T WANT to have children and REALLY DO WANT to get everything else in their lives right…I was friends with a girl who told me she was pregnant and it made me (surprisingly) jealous. I don’t think I can replace my own children with a great and funny niece or cousin or child of a friend – but it’s probable that it’s a right to choose in an affluent society and the right choice for a lot of women! I just no longer want to be one of them!
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Michelle September 7, 2012
I am 36 and dont have children, this is also through choice and circumstance. My partner and I travelled alot and enjoyed life and when we hit our 30s thought that having kids was the next thing you were supposed to do. After learning I had menopause at 33, we decided that it was not meant to be and invested money into a camera for my husband, who is now a journalist and professional photographer (this is our baby) we love the childless life style and are often the envy of our friends who are consumed by thier childrens needs. I would not change a thing and anyone who judges you because you dont have children, needs to accept that each individual makes decisions based on what is right for them and how they want to live their life.
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Sally September 7, 2012
You know what pisses me off most about all this? That, in 2012, there’s even a need: a) to waste time and money on researching this subject; b) to write an article (however articulate and reasonable) in defence or explanation of one’s parental status; c) for childless people to ‘make up’ for that by being a ‘brilliant auntie’. Vive la difference – some of us like kids, some of us don’t or are, gasp, indifferent to them; some of us are parents, some of us aren’t. Now let’s just get on with our lives.
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Amber September 7, 2012
What a bloody great article, thank you!!!!!!!!! It’s about time someone started talking about the fact that we all have choice and there are many reasons to not have children. Although yes I love my freedom, can travel and have all over the place……..can create my life and career with no hesitations or guilt, my real reason is never having found a man I loved enough to make the father of my future child which is a role to me more important than anything (iother than my own as potential mother). My feelings on this have always been very strong as I didn’t have my own father around enough growing up and that made me very sad for a lng time and then kind of angry later on….there are enough people in the world having children, if I don’t get my shot in this life….then I’ll have it in another or have done in a previous. And for those thinking this a ‘convenient’ belief, well I’ve always believed in re-incarnation since a I was very young. THANK YOU AGAIN for this sensational article.x
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Susan September 7, 2012
I don’t think those statistics of one in four have differed over the generations. The choice to have or not have children is totally yours. I can say say that in my extended family (cast of thousands!) that the two sets of childless couples (by choice) always contributed a great deal in our family. The first an aunt and uncle were always there for my siblings and cousins and provided an extra ear when things got tough.
The second, a step son and his wife, also provide a role that is outside that of parents and grandparents. Measurable-not in dollar terms. Worthwhile -absolutely.
Make the decisions you are sure and really don’t answer those replies-just leave them hanging. -
mary September 7, 2012
Thanks to all the wonderful parents out there who have kept the world populated with great people so that I can choose not to have children.
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halogenic September 7, 2012
The couples I know who chose not to have children, have dogs instead. The urge to care for others often expresses itself in other ways.
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Susanne September 7, 2012
I’m with you, Sally.
Why is this an issue? I’ve never had kids (I’m 51) and I have never, at any stage during my life, regretted my decision. I’m just eternally grateful that I’ve lived in the age of contraception. We do have a choice.
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RobynMarie September 7, 2012
Finally an article saying it’s ok to not have children. I am childless by circumstance and once I got over the shock I realised i had to accept it. And guess what? My life is great. I am studying and working part time and I love it. I also realise that if I had a child I could not do this. Before you all go madly telling me how you did all that and cared for a dying parent and had five children lalalala, that’s just me. I am sooo over the ‘ you will be old and lonely’ – how kind of you to say so, can we not just all be ok with our choices/circumstances? Anyway, great article, please more like that.
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K September 7, 2012
I think it’s great that you’ve given it a lot of thought, because so many people seem to have kids just because they think they have to.
Having said that, I do agree with Sooz.
Most of my friends didn’t want children in their 20s either, but still left their options open.
Only one of them was so sure that they didn’t want to risk an ‘accident’ that they arranged a permanent method of contraception (I had a lot of respect for them making such a conscious decision).
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Annie Also September 7, 2012
1 All children should be wanted children
2 Choice should always be the agenda
3 Never say never
4 All children need loving people around themI never cared about children till I met my man and married him when I was 20. Luckily we live in a country and at a time women can choose. We waited four years then decided we should have a child. We tried for 12 months then had a miscarriage. If anything pumps up the volume of whether or not to have children infertility and miscarriage sure do..as both those things take ‘choice’ out of the equation.
Having had three children, planned and by choice and through financial poverty but rich love we raised them. Of the three only the youngest wants to have children and has now graced us with our first grandchild ( she is 29). The older other two still choose not to have children…still they have never met a person who wished to share this experience with, anyway.Keep your mind open.
Keep the choice available.
And…
if I can support childless people not to have children, could they please stop calling those who do ‘breeders’ and castigate those of us who did stay at home to take responsibility for our own choice ‘a drain on our society’.All life should be a choice and a respected one.
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Stacie September 7, 2012
I loved this part of the article:
“You’ll change your mind.”
“Maybe you will too, and you’ll have to list your kids for sale on eBay.”I’m only 24 but I’ve known since I was at high school that I never wanted kids. At my last job where 90% of the staff were women I always got asked if I had kids and told that I would change my mind. I even had extended family (that I never see and barely know) at my grandfather’s funeral ask when I’m going to have kids. It’s never going to happen.
For someone to tell me “you’ll change your mind” is really a slap in the face. I’ve made my decision, I’m not saying it to be controversial, it’s a fact.
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Outbackgoddess September 7, 2012
Alana, Thank you for having the courage to write this article. I too from an early age knew I would never have children or get married. In my teens I stop saying it out loud after my father gave me a stern talk. It was my secret, but the feeling (knowing) never left.
It took me a long time to be strong enough to be true to myself and to say it out loud again. When I made this decision an amazing weight lifted off my shoulders – within weeks of this it was discovered I was unable to have children (mind you after 10 years of saying something is wrong – a simple ultra sound revealed this). I have never shed a tear or felt a loss, it felt my life was heading in the right direction. I think myself blessed that I never fell in love and then discovery that I couldnt have children, as I’ve watch the pain of friends go through this.
What still gets to me is the questions, remarks, rudness and presumptions other women feel the need to make about my life. From my experiences it is not ok to listen to your heart and decide not to have children, but it is ok to not have the abiliity to have children. This really saddens me, our foremothers went through a lot to give us choices that they never had, and to them I’m gratefull. The vast majority of women still want children.
At 46 years old, I have learnt that childless women play an important part in society and in our family and friends lifes. I’ll always be grateful for the my inner strength to be true to myself and show me my role in society is important.
Alana, thank you again. I only wish I had your courage to say it aloud all my life. It has been and will continue to be an amazing, truly lived in life that I have. If you change you mind later on and want children, that is ok sister, your allowed, just remember to be true to yourself.
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sami September 7, 2012
This is my situation exactly, I’m also 29 and have zero urge to be a mother. My sister is due to have her first child next year and even that scares the shit out of me. Will I be a good auntie? Probably, once they’re older, but not at first. Babies are not my thing. Put a screaming child in front of me and I’d be clueless.
I feel the pressure from society but thankfully not so much from anyone in my close circle. Dad has these past few months gotten keen to be a grandfather so thankfully sis has taken that burden off me
my friends have always known my stance so no surprises to them. I like that they have kids and share their joy but we respect each others choices.I think boyfriend and I will just be the cool uncle/auntie and have the kids come stay now and then instead
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Alberta September 7, 2012
Having children is not just about having babies, it is about the whole trip. Babies, children, teenagers and adults. Having children in your life through all their life stages brings you in to contact with many other people you wouldn’t have met and best of all, it is great to have the energy and enthusiam that your adult children bring in to your life.
I see the other side of the question dealing with young women who desperately want children and are unable to conceive – there are a lot in that category so I am surprised that the majority of the childless are thus by choice.
Bringing up kids is hard but when you are out the other side, it is sooooo worth it. -
Alberta September 7, 2012
Having children is not just about having babies, it is about the whole trip. Babies, children, teenagers and adults. Having children in your life through all their life stages brings you in to contact with many other people you wouldn’t have met and best of all, it is great to have the energy and enthusiam that your adult children bring in to your life.
I see the other side of the question dealing with young women who desperately want children and are unable to conceive – there are a lot in that category so I am surprised that the majority of the childless are thus by choice.
Bringing up kids is hard but when you are out the other side, it is sooooo worth it. -
sami September 7, 2012
@Stacie I am with you here- I am not going to change my mind, I’ve never wanted kids, why would I start now? As far as I know I was born without a ‘biological clock’. Does it really matter? Why are people so invested in it? Do they just want to go ‘told you so!!’ in a few years? Does it validate their own choices? Weird.
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royce September 7, 2012
“Me thinketh she doth protest too much”…. but each to their own.
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Jodie September 7, 2012
I too am childless by choice – it’s not that I don’t like kids, but I have a genetic neurological condition. I doubt I could raise a child as well as it deserves given my multiple disabilities, and do not want to pass on my condition to another generation. I’m also in my mid-30s and single, so time’s running out anyway.
Even after I explain this, people still act like my decision is the capricious whim of a silly little girl, rather than a decision made by a mature adult in the best interests of the hypothetical child.
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Franny September 7, 2012
I also had no maternal instincts…was not interested in other peoples babies when they would come in to work to show off their offspring – I was like this right up until 35 when my biological clock came with such force I was stunned. I never worried about whether I would or wouldn’t have kids, I just didn’t care enough – until that moment and I can tell you I remember the specific time that it came – watching my 2yr old neice. Why this happens who knows? I don’t criticise others for making the choice of staying childless because we all have a right to our opinions and feelings – all I’m saying is don’t be surprised if one day you wake up and find yourself yearning for one.
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the*sparrow September 14, 2012
Frannie, you echo my experience exactly, I was stunned when I realised the emotion I was feeling at 34 was a yearning for a child of my own. The biological clock, or call it the maternal urge, can kick in without warning and once it is in, it does not go out again! Luckily I met a man and had 2 kids, yearning satisfied, it is all great (except for the bits that aren’t).
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Ro. Watson September 7, 2012
Yes Alana~I get your current….I made the same decison a long time ago~ I am now 56. I only had one brief one night very very strong biological urge to have a child….what an animal. Hormones I did not act on. Meanwhile I am quite maternal with others. I helped raise two kids in two different lesbian relationships with their mothers~ and those experiences enriched my life. I have 5 nieces who I rarely see and that has made me sad on occasion as I enjoyed the notion and trajectory of being an active aunt.
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Stacie September 7, 2012
I think this ‘biological clock’ stuff is simply a myth. If you’re dead set on not having children I very much doubt that suddenly out of the blue you’ll want a child of your own.
Perhaps some people have children to fill a void in their life because they have nothing else going on for them.I have quite a few tattoos (with plans for many more), if I can make that lifelong decision, and be positive that I won’t regret it, my decision to not have children is just as set in stone.
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Susan September 7, 2012
As a woman in her late forties I am constantly being asked, usually by people that I have only just met, why I have remained childless, to which I usually reply
“Don’t get me wrong – I love children, but I couldn’t eat a whole one”
A little levity goes a long way to make them realise how personal, judgemental and intrusive their questioning could seem..
I often ask in return “why did you have children?”.
I have had some surprising answers – once they have had a chance to pick themselves off the floor and think of one.
I have even been told, more than once, “that’s a very personal question”.Indeed.
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Megan September 7, 2012
I’ll talk about the Hunger Games with you
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lea September 7, 2012
I’m 29 and about to be married to my 45 year old partner who has two teenage children from his first marriage. Of course, marriage talk around the office is very quiclky folowed buy “….and not long until you’ll start having babies….” I have never wanted children of my own, a choice which is respected by my family, but amongst freinds and colleagues I constantly get the “Oh, its different when they are your own” speech. I grew tired of trying to defend our decision so now I just smile and nod and the converstaion soon changes since they are happy that I have ‘magically changed my mind’ at thier insistance.
Only once though a work collegue asked me about our baby plans for the future and was voaclly quite angry with my answer of “Sorry. The only baby making plans we have, is the plan no to.”
Her response ” How SELFISH! I hate to think how hurt your unborn children would be if they could hear thier own mother say that they are not wanted!”
WHAT THE?!
Smile and nod. Just smile and nod…. -
Xingsta September 7, 2012
Interesting article. This is spot on. I just turned 26 and I believe that men have the same pressure as well, albeit not as bad.
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Norelle September 7, 2012
people rarely ask but I leave it ambiguous. Most people DO have an opinion about your reproductive status. If you say ‘by choice’ they might hold one opinion, not necessarily compassionate – if you say ‘we tried but couldn’t’ they might hold another opinion of you; fringing on pity. Best not to ask, best not to say.
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Cathy September 7, 2012
How amazing we live in a time where we can consider our options, make choices or sadly for some its just not to be. Let’s not judge those who do or those that do not – none of us can walk in the others shoes. Diversity adds much to society.
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Sally September 7, 2012
I am 53, and have been in a happy, lasting, loving, totally satisfying, childless relationship with a man I adore for 31 fantastic years. If I had ever wanted babies, I could not have had a more compelling reason to, being in such a strong union.
But we both agreed early on that we never wanted to risk our love and close bond by bringing anyone else into the equation. Those paternal and maternal longings never came, and I’m sure that part of it was that as busy people enjoying our jobs and life to the full, with close family and a wide circle of friends, our existence has always been meaningful and fulfilled.
We have never for a minute looked back with any regret. Being childless (apart from a succession of much loved pets), is our celebrated choice and how we wish to live our joyful life together as a couple, and as individuals when one of us dies – and we reserve the right to be ‘selfish’ if that’s the label some people need to give it.
I am astounded at people’s rudeness when they ask who is going to look after me in my old age (as if having children has that expectation or somehow guarantees you free carers) – or the insensitivity of asking (now that I am out of my potential child-bearing years) if I regret not having had children – for all they know we are still being counselled after 5 rounds of failed IVF….
Regardless of what the future holds, if I have any regrets in life about not having children, it would only be around not donating my healthy, plentiful, unused eggs to an infertile woman desperate to bear her own, much wanted child.
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Amanda September 7, 2012
I’ve known from the age of about 10 that I did not want children, and announced this to my parents then. I’m in a loving relationship with a man who agrees. No maternal urges, no biological clock. Once we left our mid thirties the questions why not, often from people who barely knew us, dried up. I have to say i was often made to feel like some sort of unnatural freak for not wanting children, when anybody who knows me knows i am an empathetic, caring and nurturing person, and as a result i usually felt i had to justify my position. I have no idea why society puts so much pressure on childfree couples to justify their choice or change their mind. I am free to pursue my career, take on causes and charities and even support my sisters children, which I do.i enjoy my relationship with them in fact, but not enough to ever want to take on the role of parent. We fought for this choice and I’m glad we have it. Those of you who are younger, who may be questioning under societal pressure whether you have made the right decision, take comfort from the fact that there are a group of older women on this site, myself included, who have never regretted this choice. There were no such role models around when I was younger.
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Ro. Watson September 7, 2012
Being childless does not mean you are lifeless at the risk of sounding like a biology teacher to still fecund women who resent input from those who have gone through the discovery of the turkey baster years and more~ talking about this is not private~ it is shared~ I care about the possible and actual in human and animal life~ and this is not strange even though I am “childless”. “”It takes a village”
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Suzy September 7, 2012
I always wanted kids and never got the opportunity, because I always thought it had to be up to the guy as well, I’m not into forcing men to have kids, and so I never got lucky enough to have any…………I wanted kids so badly it actually made me ill…………..at one stage I could’nt operate because my needs werent being met…………..no one cared then and no one cares now………….but I am glad I never forced it upon myself, I did’nt want to be a sole parent or with a reluctant man
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Leesa September 7, 2012
I had a different experience in being gay and having a child with my then partner. At least 80% of our lesbian friends were horrified at our decision and departed our lives and many of our straight friends seemed to think two women isn’t a proper way to raise a child. So instead of being judged for not having kids I was judged for having one.
Imagine if folk just stopped judging!
Oh and for the record Ive been a single mum since he was two; he is now sixteen and is an amazing, polite, ethical, loving, thoughtful human being (despite playing violent vidoe games).
Oh and Suzy I’m so sorry you are hurting and Wendy’s right…we do care.
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Lisa September 7, 2012
I had my surprise son at 26 to everyone’s shock seeing that I wasn’t the maternal kind really, 17 years later I look back and realize I wouldn’t have changed it for anything in the world. Sometimes it’s the surprise that at the time you feel has turned your world upside down truly is a gift that can never be bought. It’s a pity so many women today choose to remain childless, and as for old age my husband and I will be picking our own retirement village.
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Ro. Watson September 7, 2012
Oh yeah, and I remember a childless couple in our street growing up in 50s and early 60s, who people felt sorry for, but I loved. They gave me sugar cubes…
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Ro. Watson September 7, 2012
@ Suzy~ there are vast things you can do with the kids in your community. I think your decision about not accepting reluctant lovers is a clever choice.
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Ro. Watson September 7, 2012
At the risk of working my complexes out on line~ mr. Kahil Gibran ran a commentary about “not owning your own children”~ and I have seen parents who are “childless” for one reason or another~ so though we occ asionally make our bed, and lie in it, more or less comfortably~ kids become adults, and wander and wonder far and wide, quite neglectful of our “apparent” status.
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Ro. Watson September 7, 2012
And about “choice”. This is a delicious illusion.
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Suzy September 7, 2012
To Ro.Watson………….thanks for those words…..I have had keen lovers……….the problem was none of them wanted more than that………….and I’m not cheap so ……..
I guess I just wanted a guy who actually wanted kids……….could not find one of those…………. -
Ro. Watson September 7, 2012
I am hogging this today~but in conclusion, I hope, some people who are feeling a right to fertility so much~ enjoy the life you have. Other people are classified as “socially infertile”~ meanwhile there are lots of children who have biological parents who are continuously downsizing~ so spare a thought and stop and enjoy the lives you have.Donate money or more importantly time with unparented kids~ even if you might not want kids of your”own”..
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Suzy September 7, 2012
in general I am so upset with this topic I have had to go and take a valium…………..I know I am way too sensitive, but this is a sensitive issue for me
I reckon it’s very personal
I don’t think it should really be up for debate……….it is just too personal ………….. for me it opens a can of worms and if it is making me cry………..I’m opting out of the discussion….I’m way too fragile to be discussing this subject which tears me apart everyday
mind you……….I have had a broken leg for 5 years now……….the hospital did’nt fix it properly 4 times , so I went to another hospital and they fused it……..my boyfriend has cared for me all this time and a lot of people I thought were my friends just never came to visit
I have lost my faith in a lot of people
My partner is the only person I trust, and he said we can’t afford kids, and I believe him
so————please excuse me if I opt out of this discussion and please be sensitive to the diversity of humanity and we all need to accept each other and never judge someone unless you know them really really really well
————not my topic at the best of times……..but I still love HOopla -
Ro. Watson September 7, 2012
Not concluding until I am dead~ and I too use Valium to sleep. Why am I still feeling like the ugly oldest sister~bugger Suzy~ stop self pity~ begin action plan while you have jooje(s,p)~plenty of martyrs are unlucky~ and whilst I said choice is illusory~ martyrs are unlicking few….
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Rhoda September 7, 2012
As a mother of three I can’t imagine a life without them but Ihave two SILS without children – one by choice and who is always and forever criticizing parents and the way they bring up their children and I suspect uses it as an excuse to not have any. Treats my children as aliens LOL The other has lived a very happy and fulfilled life without them and is a wonderful aunt and friend to my children. They have responded in kind.
It takes a happy couple to create a happy family. So many families are dysfunctional because a parent’s unhappiness rubs off and spoils the lives of those closest to them. A happy marriage means everything.
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Em September 7, 2012
Have em, don’t have em…whatever you like, your choice. I would never question anybody else about their choices. Your lack of ambivalence says to me you know your own mind. I have two, a 1 & 3 year old. Wonderful they are, although when I’m nearly mad with sleep deprivation sometimes I’m reminded of Bridget jones’ mother who said (to Bridget) If she could do over she wasn’t sure she would have children. Always makes me laugh!
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Ro. Watson September 7, 2012
night night to all youse whether procreating or not~ what makes us happy one time, may not be available or wanted another~ on that note I shall remember Americans say period and we say full stop.
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Samantha September 7, 2012
@Susan I love that line I use it quite often. Everyone was shocked when I made the choice of not having kids considering I worked in child care for 13 yrs I love kids but I know my limitations and all that aside it’s a major responsibility!!
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Serin September 7, 2012
I find it a lonelier social time without children (by nature’s choice)- as it seems that most adults these days spend time being their children’s enterainment manager and/taxi to and thro- from social events/sports etc. The parents also want to hang with other parents- (even if they don’t like the parents so much) so the kids can hang together.
However, having seen some lovely selfless parents who have really put their lives on hold for their offspring- I now know that those who do this sometimes don’t get the reward that some are hoping for, that is a loving family who acknowledge the sacrifices their parents have made for their sakes. And some of those that are hoping that their children will look after them in their old age may be in for a very rude awakening.
So I do encourage parents to also have a independent social life away from their kids if they can- otherwise you might find when they fly the coop that you are vey much alone.
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elsa September 7, 2012
bloody hell what a topic ..i am sorry to start sounding officially like an old person but I also don’t know that you can say never at 29 !
I never wanted children , lost lots of friends who did when we were in our twenties and thirties , made new ones that were were more fun but who knew ?…the fun run outs and then there was just us and the dog , she died and then there was just us and the house and the grief , grief that I thought was about the dog but then it hit me so profoundly one day that i couldn’t get out of bed , the grief wasn’t about the beautiful pooch but the fact that i was 43 and childless, I can still remember the pain ….what i didn’t realise was , that pain was the first first throes of pregnancy …..my son fills my life with such joy that i can’t believe i nearly chose to go without…..take heed gals careful what you choose for.I might be looking down the barrel of 50 being poorer and more exhausted than my peers but i feel like the luckiest woman in the world . -
Katherine Basher September 7, 2012
I think in particular other women are terrified of those who can stand up & say “I don’t want one”…..I am 49 years old,childfree by choice,married for 22 years & even enjoy my own company…(another terrifying trait)….I understand that “you don’t know what love is unless you have a child”..yes many times I’ve been told…but we’ve been able to develop a deep mutual adult love that is rare..as for old age, if I’m lucky enough to see that, well I’ll be creating a paid job for someone’s child…….there is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing the elderly with children who don’t bother to visit or care….I respect my friends with children & their sacrifice..but I know that deep down most think I’m selfish as I choose to lead a hedonistic lifestyle……. if only they knew how my tears flow when I donate to the bones of the dying mother & child living in 3rd world conditions with no hope…Do they?
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Ruby September 7, 2012
I have three children – I had my first child at 35 and my last at 42 – Up till then I never felt particularly ‘maternal’ though I definately had a strong desire to nurture – the idea of adopting or meeting someone who had children already did not phase me. I think I lacked the confidence to believe I could be a good parent based on how I had been parented. I never felt loved by my own parents.
Enter my husband who was extremely keen to have our own children and prepared to be hands on and involved in the childrens emotional development and as our relationship developed we took the plunge – I am not a ‘natural’ Mother – I couldn’t do it without him or accessing lots of comunity support i.e. in the form of courses etc.(I emigrated for ‘love’ and left everything familiar on the other side of the world). I find parenting very challenging. Rewarding and fulfilling too.
As I reflect though my children have,or are in the process of making me want to be the best possible ‘me’ i.e. I think I have ‘grown up’ (without realising I needed too) whereas I may never have been faced with such life lessons and responsibility perhaps different ones that I may not have faced up to and just continued a different type of rewarding life. I don’t think parenting is for the faint-hearted – well that is my experience. It’s beautiful to love them and be loved (some of the time at least!)
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Jenny September 7, 2012
My three children were very much wanted, even though they were all three unplanned. (I married ahead of the availability of the Pill). I do understand however that not every woman shares my feelings about motherhood, since it does change your life – and the changes can be at times hard to take. There is never again the ability to make a major decision without consideration of how it will affect someone else’s life or comfort. But I will never expect that any of my children will take care of me in my old age, which is fast approaching!
My children have given me some of the greatest moments of my life as I have watched them grow up and produce children or\f. their own. I am proud of the way they have become responsible and caring adults, and loving parents themselves. I even enjoyed the teenage years, when I was able to watch them evolving into people – I was able to hold interesting discussions with them, and by listening to their opinions was able to have them listen to mine, which I think enabled them to understand that there was always more than one side to any debate. Motherhood was an experience that I wouldn’t have missed for the world!
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Melissa September 7, 2012
Thanks so much for this article and for bringing this issue up. I am 48, knew very early on that I didn’t want kids and am so happy that i followed my heart and did not cave in to social pressure or the threat of a passionate relationship with a man wo definately wanted childern disolving.
Please do not for a single moment imagine there is something wrong with you Alana. As for ‘ selfish’ ??
Hang on .. .. isn’t it selfish to want one for the sake of it?
When I listen to the way many people with children speak I detect a distinct lack of selflessness. Instead, I hear a sense of entitlement; goverment benefits, special privelidges, a sens eof superiority and lack of concern for others
( ever been in a cafe or eatery when a family troupe come in… not much respect for others in my experience.Ever met a woman who, thought she would very likely not admit it, clearly wishes she hadn’t chosen to have children.?
Not a good look. Yet these women will tell you how ‘ lucky’ you are to ” have no- one but yourself to look after” And assume some sort of moral high- ground because they believe they are doing society a favour my having ill- conceived children.It’s interesting how in these doscussions, people seem to need to, from the onset, assure that they are great aunts, love children really. .. what an interesting disclaimer
Nurturing behaviour can take many forms …. ..
rearing offspring being just one of themSome people just aren’t really into childern ..
I m,eet some children I like, others who I think are horrid,..
this is my take on people generally.One respondant commented on how she hated the term
” breeders” .. I can’t help but think the term was borne out of frustration at the superior attitude of so many parents.Here’s to respect all round!
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Content September 8, 2012
This artIcle is pretty similar to the one that I have told my husband over the past few months that I need to write (except I am 44).I have been asked a few times to be profiled in the media as the “successful professional” woman who doesn’t have kids. I baulked horrified at the hate mail I would receive as a result. But why does being a married (16yrs) well adjusted happy childless female feel like such a “dirty little secret”?
All I know is that judging from the comments to the article I was right about the judgements & backlash. Whoa – albeit it is fascinating to read the diversity of opinion.
The strangest thing about this is I now find myself working at a fertility company & passionate in my role to help those that do want children find the way to start a family. Go figure….
I come from the camp of respect others & be careful of putting your judgements on their lives. -
Paul Wise September 8, 2012
I never wanted or even liked children even when I was a child myself.
Having a vasectomy at 29 was as natural a no brainer as having a hair cut and 11 years later I’m still convinced.
Us blokes get the patronising comments too about changing your mind one day but I feel no need to respond, I’m not the one going home to screaming brats and shitty nappies everyday. My biggest gripe is having to pick up the extra work when my self righteous breeder colleagues have to rush home whenever their precious darlings sneeze. I’m a postman, not a childcare worker and I really resent that this happens a lot in my workplace.
I truly thank my lucky stars everyday that I live a peaceful life with our 2 dogs and non maternal girlfriend. -
Glenys Murray September 9, 2012
I am almost 60 and my husband and I made the decision not to have children before we were married in 1975.
This was not an acceptable decision at that time. People told us we were selfish, that the only way to be fulfilled was to have a child. We decided to be child free after going to a lecture by Paul Ehrlich who was the father of the idea that our beautiful blue planet couldn’t continue to exist if the population kept growing exponentially. We have wonderful nieces and nephews who we love dearly. Neither of us have ever felt that our decision was the wrong one for us. -
Rhoda September 10, 2012
Well, there’s enough room in the world for those with children and those without. I really don’t get that there’s a problem with this. Everyone is different and is coming at life from a perspective that is all their own.
Viva la difference!
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Lulu September 10, 2012
this is going to sound soooo bad: my husband raped me because his mother demanded we have children. 6 years into our marriage and she just NEVER let up. She even threatened killing herself if we didn’t give her a grandchild. M-i-L then passes away – husband leaves me for another woman that didn’t want kids either – I’m left holding the product of that awful night – a child I never wanted in the first place. 14 years later, still no maternal instincts but I wouldn’t give my little girl back (and she knows the whole truth too – I keep no secrets from my child). I had to totally change my life, halt the career while he gets it so good – everything we had planned to do together, childless, he’s now living the dream with someone else. Bitter??? a little…..
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Penelope September 11, 2012
I agree wholeheartedly with your article. At 37 I don’t and have never wanted children. Unfortunately no-one believed me in my teens, twenties and part of my 30s. But having a history of early menopause in my family (my mother was 37, grandmother 39) I feel I am finally being taken seriously. That ship is sailing away for me and I can tell you I am on the shore throwing out the streamers and wishing it bon voyage!
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amd September 14, 2012
Like any massive, life changing event you absolutely cannot know what it is to have children until you have them. No, you cannot put yourself in the shoes of a parent unless you have been one. There is no comparison, nothing else comes close and no matter what analogies you use, they’re not helpful. Those who have been childless and now are not understand that, those who have never had children cannot. That might seem unfair, might seem like point scoring but instead it’s simply factual.
So, if you choose not to have children you will never know what you are giving up. But then again, you don’t miss what you never had.
The reason it’s thought of as natural to have children is because it is. It’s a biological imperative programmed into most of us by mother nature to keep our species going. That doesn’t mean it’s unnatural to not want children, if that’s how you’re programmed, fair enough.
Just an aside – I have literally never met anybody, not one person ever, who has stated or implied that they wanted children to look after them in their old age. I have heard childless people say this, but to date, aged 44, never a person with a child. Perhaps those people exist, but it is certainly not the reason most people have children.
Regardless, I get that some people choose not to have children and some of them don’t regret that. I also genuinely, absolutely do not care if someone chooses not to have children. Just don’t care, either way. I suspect most parents feel much the same.
I think sometimes childless people take themselves rather seriously. As someone commented earlier, it’s just a question a lot of the time, like what do you do for a living or where do you live. Human beings are curious about each other. If the occasional persons gets weird with you, why would you care if you are so sure of your own position? We all hear people, all the time, saying things we disagree with, or don’t approve of. If it bothers me, I don’t have any more to do with that person. That’s life.
It seems to me that the author is quite fixated on this issue, and so it is really irritating to her, as it is when we are sensitive about something. Anyway, choice is a wonderful thing, good luck to all who are parents and all who are not.
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Tam September 18, 2012
I would have preferred an article like this from someone in their 40′s. You’re only 29, come back and tell us if you dont want kids when you’re 39. My younger sister and quite a few of her friends all insisted they had no maternal instincts or feelings and were ADAMANT they didnt want kids and were not having them. I always wanted kids and had my 3 in my 20′s- much to their disdain. I told them they’d feel otherwise when they hit their 30′s and they all said no way they never wanted kids ever.
Now they’re all in their mid 30′s….and they’re all busy getting married and having babies!! -
Sarah September 19, 2012
I’m 43, chose not to have children so as to not risk passing a certain genetic defect in my family.
I can tell you I’m very happy with the wonderful life I have, and no regrets about not having children.
I find it interesting that people who have had children manage to find this article and publish comments on how wonderful their life is with children- I must ask why in the first place were they googling childless by choice articles? Perhaps alittle regret?
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anon September 19, 2012
If you are subscribed to The Hoopla on Facebook their stories and comments on their stories come up on your feed. Not a mystery.
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Sarah September 19, 2012
oh, and it would be good if there was some sort of network or support for women who choose not to have kids. We are generally treated like outcasts by society. This is what I was googling to find, when i stumbled on your article. Good article by the way.
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sami September 19, 2012
Wow Lulu I just read your comment and that is horrifying!! I’d say you’ve dodged a bullet in that he is no longer in your life… though that sounds so wrong given the result of what he did to you. I hope you know what I mean. Good on you though for being honest with your daughter, she will grow up stronger for it.
I really hope you managed to get your life back to the way you wanted it since he left. It’s the least you deserve. -
Emma September 24, 2012
The article is about choice, being that the “socially acceptable” one is that you have kids. And then people who have kids feel compelled to say “Its the best thing I have ever done” – i.e re-iterating the stigma that for people who haven’t had or choose not to have kids, are the ones “missing out”.
Have kids, or don’t. If you don’t – you are harming no one and doing a wonderful thing for the planet, which doesn’t need more pressure on resources.
If you do, make sure you can parent them, financially support them and raise them well, for we all have to live with the outcomes of peoples choices to have kids, these are the adults that we all share our lives with eventually. -
Deborah September 27, 2012
“You’ll never feel fulfilled until you have a baby.”
I think it was Noni Hazlehurst who said “I pity the kids of the woman who thinks they will fulfill them”I’m 49 decided at 14 I didn’t want kids – I made the right decision for me.
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Deborah September 27, 2012
“You’ll never feel fulfilled until you have a baby.”
I think it was Noni Hazlehurst who said “I pity the kids of the woman who thinks they will fulfill them”I’m 49 decided at 14 I didn’t want kids – I made the right decision for me.
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Kimberly October 31, 2012
When I was 14 y.o. I decided I didn’t want children and I have been defending my right to make this personal decision ever since. I have just turned 56 and haven’t regretted my decision for a second. It staggers me – that is…STAGGERS me!! – that for decades I have been quizzed about this decision by strangers, acquaintances and work colleagues. I have found many mothers (curiously not fathers) highly agitated and even argumentative when they find out I am childless by choice not by some biological ‘tragedy’. I also find us ‘child free’ women are asked constantly to justify our decisions re: children whereas mothers are not. It’s been driving me crazy for decades!
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Becca December 28, 2012
Every time I’m asked about whether I want children, it takes me into a difficult emotional place because many other women assume I don’t want them. The opposite is actually true, but I had to make the decision not to have a child based on a couple of things:
1) I have a lifelong, degenerative disease;
2) The drugs I take to control it could potentially cause severe abnormalities to a fetus or learning difficulties in a child;
3) I have a very high risk of miscarriage even if pregnancy itself is possible
4) Despite being physically capable of falling pregnant, the three reasons above tells me it would be utterly selfish to risk the health and wellbeing of a child I chose to bring into the world knowing the risks.I’ve been on the receiving end of well-intended “But isn’t it worth the risk?”, the ignorant “If you really wanted children you’d do it” and the heartless “You’re putting your career before a family.”
Yes, I made a choice to not have a child, but it was a reasoned, if heartbreaking one. It is difficult for many friends to understand because they don’t understand the health risks to me or the child I could have. Yes there’s a chance the child could be healthy, but there’s a much greater one that I’d bring a child into the world with a lifetime of hardship due to handicap or their mother’s degenerative ill health.
So instead, I relish in the stolen moments with my niece and nephews, my three godchildren and I have nothing but time for any child who needs it. I sponsor children overseas and contribute to the activities of my friends’ children. But everytime I hear a friend has had a healthy baby my heart breaks a little more for what I can never have.
I guess my point is this: not all of us choose not to have babies because we want careers or because we’re not maternal.
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Helen December 29, 2012
You’d never get a man writing an article justifying why he doesn’t want to procreate. Yet us women feel the need to justify our choices. Isn’t it time that women go about their lives without justifying their actions. If you have kids and stay at home to raise them, you’re lazy. If you are a parent who works out of the house, then you’re selfish. If you don’t have children ‘you’re not a real woman’, if you have too many children ‘you’re stupid’. The list goes on. You can’t win in this world. So just be true to yourself and let the world go on with making you feel inferior. Nothing you do is ever good enough. Time to say who cares, I will do what I want to do, just like a man..and just like a man I do not feel compelled to justify my actions. Why? Because I can.
.. By the way I have a 2 year old son and pregnant with no 2. I’m 29 years old. I have a successful career and all I face is judgement- for being a ‘young mother’, for ‘working and juggling it all’. I am proud of where I’m at but it’s very hard work. The hardest job is raising children. I totally understand women who don’t want children. We are all entitled to a choice and we should all respect that and get on with it. -
Éris January 2, 2013
I just turned 29 too. I knew I didn’t wanted kids when I realized I never imagined myself carrying a baby in my arms, being maternal and stuff. I could only see myself dying during the baby’s delivery. Until then, I was in that kind of inertia that makes us think we all HAVE TO have them. I never was pretty fond of kids and still don’t like them that much what doesn’t mean that I kill them or something.
Along with my lack of maternal feelings, even though I have problems just as everybody does, my life is quite close to perfect. I simply like a lot the way my life is right now. Why the heck I’d screw it all up? And, no, I’m not being selfish because I ain’t got any kid being neglected while I’m being happy. There is no kid. I’d be selfish if I raised a kid to take care of me when I get old.
My mom had already went against about my decision but nowadays she totally agrees with me. Other people enjoy judging and saying I’ll change my mind and regret my choice and, you know, being total jerks about the subject. I hope that if I ever regret not having babies my reproductive system doesn’t work anymore what will definitely get my decision sealed.
But if any day I happen to feel like being a mother (which I doubt) I’ll adopt a kid who’s already “ready”. Pardon me if I’m wrong but in my understanding I don’t need to get pregnant to be a mother. -
ella January 4, 2013
I’m ok, you’re ok.
Whatever happened to live and let live?
