THE AUNT’S STORY
It took me four novels before I realised that in almost all my writing I had revealed a fixation with children. Other people’s children.
In fiction, I’ve learned, the themes of your life arise without you knowing it, appearing like a watermark through your books over time. And it seems that children – and on the flipside, childlessness – is one of my preoccupations.
A favourite aunt… Rosalind Russell in the Hollywood classic Auntie Mame.
I was a little shocked when I realised this, because I am childless by choice; I never wanted to have kids, and remain glad I chose not to.
I simply never had the urge for babies and, until it came, I couldn’t see a reason to do it.
Unlike those women who reach their 40s and feel they have made a terrible mistake, I feel constantly grateful my luck has held: we made the right choice. Every now and then I feel a little guilty – surely it’s not right to feel this good about it? Surely I should have some regret? But my husband is sure too. It seems the older we get, the more certain we both are that our decision – for us – was the right one.
But if this is true, what are these children doing popping up in my books all the time?
In my first novel a child is saved from her dangerous mother by a childless man. In my second, an aunt takes on some of the care of her young niece, and feels responsible for a tragedy involving another child. In my third novel, the title The Children is ironic – all the kids in that book are adults – and I thought of it as my first ‘childless’ book. Until I realised the image which haunts war reporter Mandy is that of an injured boy in Iraq, to whom she feels accountable. Even my short stories have often involved other people’s children!
In my latest novel, Animal People, the protagonist is a man – Stephen – and the kids are his girlfriend’s two little girls from a previous marriage. Stephen loves ‘his girls’, understands them better than their own father does, and knows that if he dumps Fiona he will miss them as much as their mother.
So what do these fictional half-parents in my books say about me?
One answer is that perhaps that I am playing out the part I have denied myself, trying on the role of parent. But another might be that all this time I’ve been unconsciously cheering for those of us who are rarely mentioned: the childless-by-choice adults who love other people’s kids.
My husband and I sometimes confuse people when they find out our childlessness was a choice.
“But you’re so good with children!” they say to us, over and over.
Between us we have 19 beloved nephews and nieces, as well as being godparents to a few other children of friends. We adore spending time with any and all of these kids; we love to have them stay over, watching movies, cooking, hanging out.
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29 Responses to this article
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Erica July 3, 2012
I love being an aunt and am grateful every day for the joy my nephew brings to my life. Charlotte’s statement that there are many ways to live a life is something that needs to be spread around. Maybe then we can all appreciate each others’ stories.
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Robyne Young July 3, 2012
What a lovely column. It’s interesting about having kids. I love mine, my daughter-in-law and also now my two grandsons, but my sisters and I sometimes comment that our biology got the better of us
As Wendy said your family is so lucky to have you, and your genuine love and care for family comes through so strongly in your fiction as well as in your mentions of members of your extended family and especially the young ones.
PS for Wendy. I just love The Hoopla. It’s a place of warmth, good humour and considered responses to the happenings of the world.
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Panda July 3, 2012
Agree with your comment on the Hoopla, Robyne! I love it too. ,<3
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Helen July 3, 2012
I think Aunties are very important. They certainly were in my childhood. The more eccentric and out there the better! Show different ways of living.
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Heather Dyer July 3, 2012
Nicely put Charlotte and good for you to be so clear and happy with your choices in life. The motives for having children are as varied as the people who have them, but the more worrying thing is that some people have them without thinking at all. Children aren’t an accessory and should be a positive choice. It’s brave to decide to not have them when there are such negative responses to childlessness. My ‘urge’ came on me when I was 28 and was quite primal and not under my control. Lucky for me was that babies happened and were the right choice for me. I wish people were happier to let people get on with their own lives without criticism. Good work. I think the children in your life are very lucky to have you.
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Lizzie July 3, 2012
I find this article interesting, almost a declaration of your kindness/kid friendliness/fun auntness, as though being good with kids is a positive virtue. I have two children of my own and I have very little time for other people’s children. Does that make me a bad person? Mmmm. Maybe if I didn’t have my own children, I’d ‘like’ children in general a little more because I would be more involved with the joyful side of them, rather than the bog-average-snot-pouring-out-of-noses banality of the day to day. Perhaps, in that regard, the childless by choice are in an enviable position when it comes to engaging with children.
On another note, I wonder if being childless by choice places a certain sort of pressure on you, career-wise? I know that creative interruptions can take an array of forms, but having children is a particularly intense sort of ‘distraction’. Would you have written so many novels if you’d had children? I very much doubt it. That’s probably one of the reasons you made the choice you did. Good on you.
It’s definitely food for thought…. -
Jacqueline July 3, 2012
Go the Aunties! I am 37, originally childless not by choice, now more than content with being childless as I simply have too many nieces, nephews and friend’s children that I love having relationship with and knowing the value of playing an important alternate role in the lives of. If motherhood unexpectedly came my way, that would be cool. But I am happy not to pursue it. Too busy giving and receiving love with the treasures already in my life (:
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VRog July 3, 2012
I’m staring down the barrel of 40 and trying to come to terms with the fact that, in all likelihood, motherhood is not my destiny. I love articles like these that normalise childless people and illustrate the positives of childlessness. Thank you!
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Elly July 3, 2012
I am childless not really by choice but have made peace with the medical condition that prevents my husband and I having children.
We happily spoil our niece who stays with us during school holidays. She’s older than her little brother and once she’s too old to hang out with us (although we hope she’ll still think we’re cool and will want to hang with us) we get the benefit of then having my nephew to spoil.
My husband is an only child so having a family was something he did want. But bless him he has a wonderful relationship with our niece who happily beats him at Wii and the board games he’s teaching her. He says he couldn’t be happier as we live a grown up life in a grown up apartment but still have children around.
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Kelly July 3, 2012
Love this post, thanks. Being an auntie is the very best thing. I was shown Auntie Mame at an early age, possibly on purpose, and grew up with excellent slightly eccentric roles models. So I base all my auntydom/friend-to-small-children skills and approach on Mame (the Russell and original book versions, not so much the Lucille Ball). Besides the testicle canapes and the hangovers. Can highly recommend extravagant joy as a framework, although teenagers don’t tend to appreciate it quite so much.
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Natalie July 3, 2012
Ditto Jaqueline. As someone in the same circumstances and a fellow auntie/godmother, I love the quality time that I spend with the little people in my life. Based on their reactions to their time with me – they enjoy it just as much as I do.
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Chris July 3, 2012
One day I hope to write of my own unfulfilled male yearning for kids of and strike an emotional chord with fellow “childless uncles”. There seems to be no-one out there, male or female, who has articulated the quiet, unspoken sadness of Gen-X men in their 30s-40s.
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VRog July 4, 2012
Thanks for sharing the male perspective Chris. I do think that sometimes gets lost in the discussions around female childlessness.
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Sara July 3, 2012
I loved this article. My family has an uncle (related to us in every way except blood) who was the adult I turned to when my parents drove me mad. He taught me to ride horses, to be less judgmental and much more. Now I have my own children and he performs the same role for them. He has no children and has never been married. I’m not sure how much a choice this has been for him and how much circumstance, but he is devoted to our family and we are devoted to him.
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Kylie L July 3, 2012
Great piece Charlotte. I have kids and am glad I did- but what I really want to say is that nothing (not even having kids of my own) had prepared me for how much I’d enjoy being an auntie. I’m not much into children that aren’t mine (oh, that sounds awful), but my little 3 yo niece really has her very own spot in my heart, my love for her as innate as for my own two- but without as much anxiety and exhaustion attached. Similarly, I adore how my sister (my niece’s mum) clearly adores my kids as if they were hers. I also love that I can already see there are aspects of my daughter in particular that will be nutured by her, not me… the more people kids have who truly love them, the better. Viva aunties! (and grandparenst and uncles and godparents)
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Benison O'Reilly July 3, 2012
I wonder if being a creative person affects your desire to have children. Elizabeth Gilbert pointedly chose writing over kids,and many authors talk about their books as ‘children’ . I met a couple of childless authors at the Stella Prize lunch at Sydney Writers’ Festival and have to admit to feeling a wee bit envious – all that time to write!
That said, I adore my 3 sons, and couldn’t imagine life without them. I’m very fond of my nieces and nephews too, though the relationship is not quite as intense.
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Carmen July 6, 2012
I am sure that some creative types choose their art over kids, but at the same time there are many who are so driven to write that they use their time differently to me. They don’t lie on the lounge watching the footy and browsing The Hoopla. I remember reading an interview with author Jennifer Rowe who said that she couldn’t wait for her twin infants to go to bed so she could write of an evening. she made the time because she loved it. she was able to make a life where she didn’t have to choose between kids and craft.
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Judy July 3, 2012
Never had kids myself but love my two beautiful nieces to bits and at 70 am besotted by my baby great nephew! In turn I loved my aunties – especially my Aunty Joyce – the Aunty Mame of our family – and thank her for introducing me to gin and tonic in my late teens!
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Nicki July 3, 2012
I have just had a wonderful day out with 3 nieces/nephew (aged 9,7 and 4). I am 51 with no partner/kids (never found the right bloke) but always loved kids and am close to many friends kids and adore my own nieces and nephews. I have 6 altogether from 21 to 4 and have been lucky to have been able to be close to them at different times in their lives, living in different cities. Can always have fun (amazing fun actually playing on some swings etc at playgrounds not just watching them have fun) and don’t have the monotony of every day life. Sure you miss out on many joys of being a parent but its not bad to have these experiences as well.
I have also always been close to and just played a key role in the last weeks of life of my 90 yr old aunt so – I am hoping that what goes around comes around and one day if I am in need one of my n or n will help me as well. -
Judith Rubbish July 3, 2012
As one of seven siblings, and a very tired mother, auntys were essential. Two childless aunts in particular, had a profound effect on me. One from the city who taught me about art, a fairly foreign subject in outback NSW but one that i have followed and practiced all my life.And a country aunt who spent her time spoiling my siblings and I as well as hundreds of cousins.
She taught me a concept that has stayed with me all my life, if you can’t make someone a cup of tea, there is something wrong with you. Both auntys are no longer with us, but their love stays with me every day. -
Mads July 3, 2012
@Chris – you should write about it! Am sure there are many others in your position who’d love to have a voice. Go for it, I say!
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Peta July 4, 2012
I greatly admire couples who are so content with their lives that they see no need to change things, and are brave enough to take the path less travelled by not becoming parents. Although its unfashionable to say so, there are some minutes or hours I do ponder, “why did I have kids?!” I miss sleep. I miss free time. I miss creative pursuits, and being able to go to the loo on my own. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to hear the word “Mama?” said to me fifty times a day, knowing something is wanted of me! I wouldn’t swap them for the world, truly. I love them to bits. But there are parts of my old life I really miss, and I envy the freedom of my friends who don’t have kids. There are wonderful things to savour on both sides. You and Sean will turn out to be such important influences and sources of fun for the children in your lives, and that’s a beautiful and meaningful thing.
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VRog July 4, 2012
It’s great to read of the experiences of so many childless women! There are not many childless women in my social circle and I sometimes find it hard to connect with my friends who are mothers because I can’t share an experience that is so fundamental to who they are. Not to mention the difficulties they have juggling their social life with their families – sometimes I feel a bit left out. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all the fab childless women out there had a social network they could join to meet other childless women?
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Lesley July 4, 2012
Vrog, what a great idea, how about it Wendy,can the Hoopla facilitate?
I had a fabulous auntie like this when I was a child. She was wonderfully glamorous, extroverted, and often in amateur dramatic productions. She used to waft in with little gifts ( like my first pair of lacy knickers as a teenager) which my mother would never have thought of buying, and i was also the recipient of some great little dresses. Now I’m an auntie myself, very happy not to have my own children, but I love seeing my nieces and nephews and try to do something special and memorable with them when we get together and generally encourage their interests. the eldest has just enrolled in an excellent course in Uni which should deliver her a great career, and I know she sees me as a role model in this regard, my sister says as much. Aunties don’t have to deal with the day to day dramas, and that frees us up for an incredible and very privileged role. -
Lizzie July 4, 2012
@Chris, Charlotte’s most recent novel touches on that with the central character and his relationship with his girlfriend’s children.
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Judith Ridge July 4, 2012
Hey Charlotte. I heard a lot about this in the news yesterday, and have only now had the chance to read it. It strikes several chords with me! I recall very clearly when I realised that I didn’t have any desire to be a parent. I was 17 and in my final year of high school, and for a sociology assignment I read a book (the name of which I have forgotten) that made me understand for the first time that having children was a choice, not an inevitability. Right then I thought about my adult life and I couldn’t picture it with children. (I married a man, briefly, who was as relieved as I was to have fallen in love with someone who didn’t want children. He ended up with 3 with his second wife, so go figure.) I have never really waivered from that–I wouldn’t even call it a decision, it just WAS, although I did briefly, post-divorce, think that I would like a child, but not without a partner, but it never happened and I’ve never been sorry. No-one asks me about out any more now I’m 48, but I did used to get questioned about it a lot, primarily because I work in children’s books. “Oh, you must LOVE children!” people would say with tedious predictability when they found out my field of work. Well, I’d say, I like the pleasant and interesting ones and I don’t like the rude and dull ones–much like adults, really. Anyway, just as I am thrilled for my friends and family who have happily made families through birth, adoption and fostering, I honour the choices of those, like me and you, who determined that not having children was right for them. Cheers.
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Sally Swain July 5, 2012
Hi Charlotte
Thank you thank you.
Yes – let’s celebrate Auntydom!
and yes – it’s about time that childless-by-choice women were acknowledged and respected. Absolutely!
In fact, for some time, I was toying with the term ‘child-free’. ‘Childless’ automatically implies a lack; a gaping hole; a deficit; a mistake.
Thanks once again
Sally Swain
