ATTACK OF THE KILLER VAGINAS
There are ads that annoy us. There are even some ads that offend us. But every now and then an ad comes along that threatens our way of life.
An ad so shocking, so revolting, it not only jeopardises the very fabric of our society, but decimates the next generation, blighting their innocence and rendering them morally rudderless.
I’m looking at you, Carefree.
Putting a nude woman on the TV, popping a bunch of white lilies in front of her boobs and getting her to talk about vaginal discharge is the start of the end of days.
If you read your bible carefully enough, you will know that one of the four horses of the apocalypse is actually called Tampax.
Family First is correct in saying the word vagina should not be used in general conversation. Who knows what mayhem that could unleash? Cities would crumble. Governments would topple. Children’s eyes would roll back in the heads, their tiny little skulls would start to rotate on their necks and green vomit would spray forth from their mouths like they had turned into possessed garden hoses.
Every decent human being knows that the best thing to do with a young girl who asks if she has a vagina is tell her there is nothing between her legs.
If she argues back and says, “But I can see something. It’s right there. I pee out of it,” slap her with the Book of Revelations and send her to bed with no dinner. And make sure she’s wearing sturdy pants with a childproof lock on the front.
Thankfully, it’s not just Family First who are bravely flying the flag for decency and the control of ladies who want to run off at the mouth without permission. Appearing on the ABC’s Q&A, no less than the Vice Chancellor of Sydney University said that “the broader ad was pretty graphic” and you wouldn’t want to watch it while “eating your dinner”.
Hear, hear, Mr Vice Chancellor!
Ladies hiding behind flowers and talking about their anatomy are disgusting. It’s enough to make your meat and two veg fairly stick in your throat.
If women are going to flap around all over our televisions, vainly attempting to camouflage their disgusting lady parts with flora, the least they could do is sell something proper like cars, or aftershave, or themselves.
And to those of you who say vaginas are perfectly harmless, I say to you that’s exactly what they want you to think.
You want proof that vaginas are dangerous? They discharge. You know what else discharges? Guns.
Australia had a gun buy-back scheme, it’s high time we had a vagina buy back as well.
To that end, we need laws put in place so that we all know who’s packing what in their pants. Everyone should be forced to wear lycra leggings, one size too small. Only then will we know who to fear and who are the upstanding, dick-carrying members of society.
Compulsory genital disclosure means safety. Once we know where the vaginas are, government officials can set about safely destroying them – preferably in a bomb-proof shelter, deep underground.
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