Carefree ad

ATTACK OF THE KILLER VAGINAS

There are ads that annoy us. There are even some ads that offend us. But every now and then an ad comes along that threatens our way of life. 

An ad so shocking, so revolting, it not only jeopardises the very fabric of our society, but decimates the next generation, blighting their innocence and rendering them morally rudderless.

I’m looking at you, Carefree.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpaVkxMv-Sw[/youtube]

Putting a nude woman on the TV, popping a bunch of white lilies in front of her boobs and getting her to talk about vaginal discharge is the start of the end of days.

If you read your bible carefully enough, you will know that one of the four horses of the apocalypse is actually called Tampax.

Family First is correct in saying the word vagina should not be used in general conversation. Who knows what mayhem that could unleash? Cities would crumble. Governments would topple. Children’s eyes would roll back in the heads, their tiny little skulls would start to rotate on their necks and green vomit would spray forth from their mouths like they had turned into possessed garden hoses.

Every decent human being knows that the best thing to do with a young girl who asks if she has a vagina is tell her there is nothing between her legs.

If she argues back and says, “But I can see something. It’s right there. I pee out of it,” slap her with the Book of Revelations and send her to bed with no dinner. And make sure she’s wearing sturdy pants with a childproof lock on the front.

Thankfully, it’s not just Family First who are bravely flying the flag for decency and the control of ladies who want to run off at the mouth without permission. Appearing on the ABC’s Q&A, no less than the Vice Chancellor of Sydney University said that “the broader ad was pretty graphic” and you wouldn’t want to watch it while “eating your dinner”.

Hear, hear, Mr Vice Chancellor!

Ladies hiding behind flowers and talking about their anatomy are disgusting. It’s enough to make your meat and two veg fairly stick in your throat.

If women are going to flap around all over our televisions, vainly attempting to camouflage their disgusting lady parts with flora, the least they could do is sell something proper like cars, or aftershave, or themselves.

And to those of you who say vaginas are perfectly harmless, I say to you that’s exactly what they want you to think.

You want proof that vaginas are dangerous? They discharge. You know what else discharges? Guns.

Australia had a gun buy-back scheme, it’s high time we had a vagina buy back as well.

To that end, we need laws put in place so that we all know who’s packing what in their pants. Everyone should be forced to wear lycra leggings, one size too small. Only then will we know who to fear and who are the upstanding, dick-carrying members of society.

Compulsory genital disclosure means safety. Once we know where the vaginas are, government officials can set about safely destroying them – preferably in a bomb-proof shelter, deep underground.

I see no medical reason why we can’t take our girl children to hospitals and have their innies turned into outies. Half of Australia now has a National Disability Insurance Scheme, what more perfect use for it than ridding the world of the scourge of lady holes?

The sad thing is, none of this talk about discharge would have happened in the first place if women simply stopped having it. And don’t tell me that you can’t control your bodily functions. The only reason anything ever comes out of your vagina is because you’ve allowed it to happen.

It’s not a bodily function, it’s an attitude – and a bad one at that.

If you could just teach your privates to behave, there’d be no need for feminine hygiene products in the first place.

As long as we allow vaginas to roam our streets without restriction, anything can and will happen. In fact, it already has. Angela Merkel has a vagina and the European Union has an economic crisis. Julia Gillard has a vagina and Australia has boat people. Queen Elizabeth has a vagina and England has The Ashes.

Apocalypse, thy name is Vag.

Imagine a vagina-free planet: no more awkward conversations about ‘front bottoms’ or ‘that time of the month’. No more fear of accidental erection if someone says the word ‘labia’.

For those men who are held back from their true potential because they fear seeing vaginas, hearing the word vagina, or being in close proximity to someone who has a vagina, a female-neutered world will give them back the confidence they need to win wars, set laws and edu-ma-cate the masses.

We owe this to the world.  We owe this to our children.

It’s up to women to take charge and clean up this mess themselves. They’re the ones who have let their nether regions get out of control. They’re the ones who have become so sullied by the modern world that they’ve forgotten what is right and decent and civilised.  They’re the ones who thought that their bodies could be discussed openly, as if they were discussing nothing more harmless than the weather.

Vaginas are way more dangerous than weather! Why do you think babies come out of them screaming?

There’s no point denying it any longer, ladies, what you keep between your legs is dangerous and must be stopped. Your fetid bits are the bringers-down of governments, the destroyers of morality and the breeders of lust.

Thank god the good people of Family First have had the guts to stand up and say, “Enough! The V word is hurty on my ears!”  Now all we can do is hope that something will be done to stop this evil scourge.

Believing that vaginas are a normal, acceptable part of the human anatomy is the first step towards eternal damnation.

Bugger the boats, it’s time that we focussed on stopping the vag.

MORE STORIES BY CORINNE GRANT

Tony’s back-door bandits

Mother bashing. It’s all the rage

Why women are to blame

Can men be feminists?

*Corinne Grant is a stand-up comedian, MC, presenter, writer and broadcaster and has performed both nationally and internationally. In addition to her years on Rove Live and The Glasshouse, she has appeared on everything from Spicks and Specks to Dancing With The Stars to Good News Week. She has co-hosted successful national radio shows, performed countless solo live shows and appeared everywhere from the Sydney Opera House to the Kalgoorlie Arts Centre.Corinne’s first book, Lessons In Letting Go: Confessions of a Hoarder (Allen and Unwin) was released in September 2010 and went into reprint just months after its release.


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43 Comments

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    bikerbetty

    GOLD!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Cate

    Having trouble breathing between snorts of laughter. I may have discharged a little…

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    JayRo

    Well said Corinne! I for one, am quite looking forward to eternal damnation….

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    bigwords

    LOVE. THIS. POST.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    jackie

    What a great post, Corinne. Not only funny but quite thought provoking. Why does even hearing the word vagina evoke such a feeling of embarassment and shame ? Absurd, really.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Twitchy

    We are shamefully behind the fanatical female-bit-fixers in all this. How long before *we* finally start lopping off the bits that might unfairly bring a woman pleasure? Sewing up offensive opening parts too? Sheesh. We’ve a long way to go.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    TMT

    I watch tv purely for fun and entertainment and discussing someone’s discharge when I’m trying to watch the Big Bang Theory seems out of whack for me. Since when were ads teaching tools? I thought they were for flogging products that no-one would otherwise buy. What would I know though? Advertising is totally wasted on me, I didn’t even notice the woman was naked!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Rhoda

    LOL – love your take, Corinne. Had to laugh. Agree it’s an absurdity to get our knickers in a knot over an anatomical term. Better than ‘lady garden’ don’t you think!! I think the nudity a little gratuitous though.

    There is some real smut on billboards and anyone can stand and look at it.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Happyeverafterbride

    This ad got mentioned in a meeting yesterday. My homosexual manager said it disturbs him. Haha…

    My husband only wanted to know if she is really naked…

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    anna

    An advert for pads, causes a coniption, what next penile enhanced adverts!….cannot stand them on the radio….

    • Reply July 26, 2012

      TMT

      Its an ad for pads? I thought it was an ad for vaginal discharge. You know? The discharge we all have to have :D

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    HQ

    Corinne, Woman, you are a rocking wit!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Danny Dix

    I was dining on coliflower in cheese sauce when this add came on. It will remain a definitive moment in my television experience.
    What next. Shall we see naked men chatting about smegma infested foreskins? If so I’m eating dinner in peace and safety in the laundry.

    • Reply July 30, 2012

      jean cave

      I refer you to Embarassing Bodies (Channel 5-UK). They did a Sunday Smegma Special with foreskin surgery and a “Pap your Chap” gallery.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Caroline

    One day the marketing folks sat down and said,you know how women only use our products for 5 or so days a month, we really need to think of a way to get them to use them every day…….hmm, how can we do that?

    • Reply July 26, 2012

      TMT

      Well, when the ‘all girls smell’ tactic fell flat and didn’t make them the millions it was supposed to, they had to try a different approach to secure those other 25 days.
      And a little anecdote;
      when my cousin’s daughter started pre-primary the kids were asked to introduce themselves and anyone that was there with them. She stood up and introduced herself with, “Hi I’m K and this is my little brother J. He has a penis and I have a china. :) That girl didn’t need no advertising company to tell her what she had going on.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Aeron

    Haha…love it Corinne. My daughter and I were talking about this yesterday. One of her friends was watching TV with her family and this ad came on. Apparently they were shocked by the word vagina and thought perhaps it was a banned word on TV. How ridiculous. My daughter has known the word vagina, and its counterpart penis, since she was four and started asking those difficult questions that children do. I had already decided that we would always use the correct accepted scientific terms for all body parts. My mother-in-law was appalled. I said, so what am I supposed to call the vagina? a hoohoo perhaps? Give me a break. People need to grow up and stop acting like two year olds.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Lisa

    Lover your Take on this Corinne,I think we should call a spade a spade and a Vagina a Vagina,lets grow up and call our body parts by the name they were given.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Mater

    Too funny! But in all the vejayjay discussions no one has mentioned how the advertising industry & the media more widely have taught us woman to loath our natural bodily processes. I asked a waxing girl what % of her clients take all the hair off “down there”… She said that it’s pretty much 100%. When I asked why, she said “because it’s dirty otherwise”. DIRTY! I said I thought it was *dirty* to look like a prepubescent child. But, it goes to show that vaginal discharge, or as I prefer *lady lotion*, is seen nowadays as something to be horrified & ashamed of. I’m horrified that we women are taught/ encouraged to hate every natural & normal part of our bodies.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Van Essa

    I saw this ad on the net prior to it coming out and when it finally came on tv, my husband and I both raced over to see if they would indeed use the V word. They didn’t! It must have been kiddy hour. We were so disappointed.

    • Reply July 26, 2012

      corinne grant

      What what WHAT?!! Surely that’s grounds for making an official complaint for them NOT using the word vagina! Vagina conspiracy! Vagina conspiracyyyyy!!!!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Pete

    I think Family First are a bunch of vaginas…. but then that’s offensive towards vaginas.

    • Reply July 26, 2012

      Alice Shaw

      :-D

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    dramaqueen75

    bahahahaha!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Kristel

    Ha! Made me laugh so much……and question my own awkwardness on the ad…..but seriously why she needs to be naked?! Family first…maybe wants us to go back to “the good old days” where women weren’t informed about anything to do with their own bodies!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Robyne Young

    Another great post Corinne. Actually the Vice Chancellor said ‘supper’ which made his comment even more quaint.

    • Reply July 26, 2012

      corinne grant

      Oh bless! I’m SO annoyed I misquoted. You’re right–‘supper’ is way more hilarious!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    carolyn

    Loved it Corinne! When I was bringing up little kids, (one of each sex….ooh am I allowed to say that word), a friend of mine taught her girls that their vaginas were called “mundeys”. Couldn’t help myself, and with an almost straight face, asked, “Why not tuesdeys, wednesdeys, thursdeys??” She was so shocked that I taught my kids the anatomatically correct terminology. That was 20+ years ago! Move on people!!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    carolyn

    B.T.W wondering when the ad. company would like us NOT to use their product. Now, of course, we’ve also got LBL liners for those of us past menopause. Nappies down the track… ugh!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Matt

    “It’s enough to make your meat and two veg fairly stick in your throat.” – That’s enough talk about my meat and two veg thanks Corrine :-0

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Eme

    Funny article! I have never seen the add til just then. I never watch commercials EVER! I pause and then fast forward OR I record and watch later fast forward the adds!! The best way to watch TV. You’re funny Corinne.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Valerie Parv

    I’ve been away with no TV for 4 weeks. First I heard of the ad were the comments on Q&A and I thought them odd then. I also remember one of the admen on Gruen Transfer (the original) saying they could see pads and tampons once a month, but they invented panty liners because they could sell them every day. Sucked in, I tell you. Or is that naught too?

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    kelli

    totally gorgeous! love it. oh and……….. vagina, vagina, vagina!

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    polly

    lucky i was wearing my panty liner as i might have wet my panties a bit…jokes aside…i dont mind the word vagina i just dont think the word odour should be used with it in the same sentence at dinner time and when the kids and hubby are in ear shot :) eyes certainly went wide and the youngest pipes up ‘did she just say vagina?’
    i wont tell you what ad my husband thought could counterbalance the situation…

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Annie

    Aww! Matt beat me to it. That was just the bet boom tish moment. Evva! Very funny article about one of the most ridicules attack of the vapours by the Mrs Grundys. Quick, fetch the fainting couches, someone said ‘vagina’! Ooooh! He said it again! God, it really is like a bloody Python sketch.

  • Reply July 26, 2012

    Tania

    AWESOME article Corinne, i was actually just thinking today that the world seems to have gone mad with political correctness and not saying anything to offend ANYONE! I agree with Aeron and Carolyn, I have 3 children and they have always known the correct terminology for their bits, otherwise its a bit confusing when they learn the ‘real’ names later. Its not confined to 20 years ago though Carolyn – I have friends now with 10 year old daughters using the most ridiculous words to describe the vagina because it is a ‘dirty’ word.

    As for the woman in the ad being naked… I like it. It is simple, no distracting backgrounds and a hell of a lot better than 16 year old girls dancing around under blown fire hydrants!!

  • Reply July 27, 2012

    Urduny

    I demand that Corrine reveals what type of weed induces this awesome writers’ inspiration

  • Reply July 27, 2012

    Tim

    You Aussies should lighten up. Here in Canada the capital of the province of Saskatchewan is Vagina. I dare you to look it up.

    • Reply July 27, 2012

      Wendy Harmer

      This made ,me laugh… a lot! Tim, you are a cack!!

    • Reply July 27, 2012

      corinne grant

      That. Is. Awesome.

  • [...] ATTACK OF THE KILLER VAGINAS [...]

  • Reply August 3, 2012

    Danny Dix

    Nice one Tim. Do the locals call it Vajayjay or Hoo ha or something? And are the people living there called Vagans or hooians or just a bunch of cu….no wait…erm…
    Best we can do here in Australia is Iron Knob, a mining town.
    Heres a thought….They should proclaim your town of Vagina, sister cities along with our Iron Knob, a mining town here along with another Australian spot called Rooty Hill.
    Imagine the annual conference meetings.

  • [...] ATTACK OF THE KILLER VAGINAS [...]

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