• Hello Carol, thank you for the article. Reasons for going with the status quo can be multi-factorial and not invariably related to internalised homophobia. I will bother to make the correction sometimes when: 1. I want to blow someone's assumptions up, or shock them. This is usually pure devilment on my part. I only get a certain number of conversational bombshell opportunities per day. If I encounter that chemist assistant later in the day when I have already exploded a few bombs...well, the urge is not as strong. 2. if there is a personal payoff or point to my enlightening them eg., in a chemist if the dose sizes or something was different for females or male patients, so it is medically relevant. Similarly if I was eg making my will or answering health workers about who my next of kin was. Sometimes when I state the true situation for "official" reasons, I still may not want to, so my personal motivation may appear pure externally but internally its a non-choice. 3. purely as a political statement. It still happens, despite my age and decrepitude. You only have a limited number of times to meet Rev Fred Nile in the street, press your lips towards his outstretched hand while wearing a black Merry Widow, fishnets and not much else! 4. Sometimes it can be about me being the aggressor. This is not fun or devilment, but me deliberately wanting to rub someone's nose in it. I want to make them squirm or feel uncomfortable. I would rarely feel that way towards the chemist assistant unless they had done something to severely tick me off. I know we are supposed to be all wear homosexual halos these days, but hey, there are even gay serial killers you know. We can't all be the funny sweet fat ones! The truth for me is many times when I don't correct the assumption, it is because I don't care enough about the person to bother. That is definitely not about internalised homophobia, but possibly - eek - a touch of its opposite. I actually can't be bothered spending my precious time or energy on them by being a real life lesbo lesson and opening myself and my life up to them. Ditto times two if there are no comic or shock horror or other payoffs for me. So - in a strange way - I usually have to care [even a bit] about the person to bother investing in the "actually my husband's name is Tiffany" conversation. Post lesbian activist syndrome? Just being an selfish shit? Shit stirrer? All of the above and more. - Coco
  • I bought Girl Stuff a few years ago for my granddaughters. They (and their Mum - my daughter) really enjoyed it, and found it to be very helpful. - Jenny
  • Carole I am not suggesting any such thing. I am suggesting that women are strong enough to stand up for themselves and therefore should step out from behind the pink curtain of organised groups who do the collective talking. I fail to see what is wrong with advocating for the individual instead of the collective. - sue elliott
  • How come there is a lot of that Latin about when someone dies? Vale (or is that Wally?!!) Hazel. R.I.P with a good send off. - ro.watson
  • The Rudd Haters are just as divisive for the success of Labor being re elected to office as are people like John Jay. For gosh sakes! I prefer a mind changer to a voter full of hatred for a particular member. If you had been following Rudds' writings, what he does in his own electorate et al this would not come as such a 'shock' to your divisive sensibilities. Enough of the hatred and lets come together to defeat the un palatable Abbott!!! Thank goodness politicians can change their minds when it comes to matters of Equality and Fairness. Now let's get this election sorted and stop the hate-speak. You ain't helping!!!! - Annie Also
  • A huge part of the problem is that most conservatives regard the telling of the Truth as being the same as being a leftie greenie. Hence any reporting which does not conform to their worldview, however truthful or scientifically proven, is deemed left, extreme, green, socialist and crap ( Abbott's famous declaration about climate science)....all loaded terms in their twisted lexicon. - Geoffrey
  • There are some things I said no to as a young lawyer because of my bias and prejudice and I still think I was right to do that, notwithstanding the hired gunslinger approach of some members of my former profession. So I really hope you are right Emma~ that most journalists seek the truth(too). - ro.watson
  • Hazel was a beautiful Lady in every sense of the word Australia is poorer for loosing her R I P you above deserve it - Sarah
  • I have lost patience today. Balance has always been a pile of crap when the evidence is overwhelming. - ro.watson
  • Many of us are old enough to remember those debates about terrorist versus freedom fighters and the weird and false dualities if your country has involved itself in a war overseas killing people, especially if it is illegal under UN Conventions.. Many protested to gain attention for what we thought was illegal or unjustified wars with the aim of getting our point of view put across('getting attention") with the ultimate purpose of our actions being to STOP violence. Many of those protests were not ever published~ the one I am thinking of is the opening of our current Parliament House where many of us spent a very very cold Canberra night before marching early to demonstrate our views about the treatment of aboriginal Australians by governments, past and present. There were and are lots of us. Anyway~ about those young men in Woolwich, who did what they did and then after that, sought to gain, and did gain, media attention, around the globe is different. I am still unsure about whether or not those images of those men should have been published. - ro.watson
 
18
Categories:  Your Stories

ME, INFIDELITY, HUSBANDS & DEMONS

By Nanette Louchart-Fletcher
June 27, 2012

This is a post that I have felt the need to write for a long time. You may like me less by the time you get to the end of it. So be it.

I can’t avoid writing it and there might be someone out there for whom it may even be of use.

When I was in my twenties I saw things as absolutes.

Black or white with no room for shades of grey. And I judged people accordingly. People I met were either fabulous or hideous, there was no space in between. The self-appointed queen of judgmentalism, me. There were a whole lot of things that I held in contempt – things like marriage (during the Trotsky period), becoming a wage-slave and infidelity.

I got over the marriage aversion pretty quickly when there was no other alternative but for the French and I to go through the ritual. And then I shocked the hell out of my socialist pricinples by sobbing through the ceremony. An irony that was not lost on most of the people at the service. Becoming a wage slave came with the territory, you know the deal, the sudden acquisition of whitegoods, the house and car mortgage. One moment you’re in torn jeans with multiple body piercings the next you are in a tailored pantsuit with a tasteful string of pearls. What the f*** happened?

Infidelity. Not cool in my book.

You meet someone, you realise they are your partner for life. You settle down together, maybe bust out a few kids… Not that the odd bit of flirtation is out of the question. I could flirt for Australia if it became an Olympic sport; I like men, can’t help it. But no funny business.

So what do you do when someone comes into your life who turns you inside out and upside down? This happened to me last year, I met someone and fell completely and uncategorically in love with them. There were no corners or handles to hold onto. I was in that space of which the early cartographers would write ‘beyond this place there be dragons’.

I am not going to try and defend my conduct in this. He was and is a married man. I knew this and yet it didn’t stop me.

I actively sought a relationship with someone I had no right to be with, I knew that I was betraying not only his partner but my own. Still this didn’t deter me. I would have done almost anything for this man if he had asked. None of this sat lightly on my shoulders, I lost my appetite, I lost weight, I couldn’t sleep. I cried my body weight in tears of blood.

The one thing I am proud of is that I told Olive at the outset. He knew and amazingly he watched and waited. His conduct was amazing – he didn’t judge me, he didn’t ban me from seeing this other man. He simply bore witness and asked me not to leave.

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18 Responses to this article

  1. Jo Johnstone June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    brave lady to write so honestly..not many would

     
  2. Joan Woolley June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    All I can say is you must have one hell of a great partner, don’t let go of him he is precious.

     
  3. Kelly June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Never say never is the message here. Or you just might be tested. Thank you for sharing!

     
  4. Em June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I think your husband is wise & you’re very lucky ;) I’m married & have no wish to fall in love with anybody else. But I think the European approach to marriage very sensible. As long as there is respect at the end of the day between the couple. I like that you don’t pretend that you didn’t know what you were doing (hello ettinghausen) or blame others. You did what you wanted to & owned it.

     
  5. The Huntress June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    It is very brave of you to stand up and write with such brutal honesty. Reality is marriage is rarely black and white. It comes with many shades of grey, highs and lows, times when you cruise and times of regret. What you write of is far more realistic than a world of white picket fences, smiling parents in coordinated bathrobes and kids in white on a swingset.

    You had the decency to be honest with your husband, which I believe means you have a great love and respect for him. Good luck and all the best for your future, I hope whatever happens works out for the best.

     
  6. Susanna Freymark June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I have written a book on this very subject. Out in March and it was a hard story to tell. And yes,I will be judged. I have to accept that.

     
  7. Julie Sweet June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    It IS there and your absolutely right, its brushed, so bravo to being transparent about a topic that resonates. I found this article raw and honest – I loved it (if you get me).

     
  8. Jenna June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    That was incredibly brave a brutally honest! I applaud both and have sincere empathy in particular for your loving husband, who was man enough to live you at your best and worst. I pray he gets that all back and more and it makes you stronger then ever. You are correct, this is something g very few discuss so for anyone prepared to judge rather then empathise I would suggest you check out ur own closet prior to passing judgement!

     
  9. cornishmaid June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    This happened to me – it took years to stop feeling consumed with guilt and shame for my disloyalty. I had always been scathing towards “cheating” people I felt they were weak and basically lower than low. It was a long way down from my moral highhorse and although my new partner and I have been together for 10 years now I can take myself back to the pain of being with one man and wanting another – I am not judgemental anymore – you can’t comment until you’ve been there

     
  10. Benison O'Reilly June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I am surprised at the comments here, pleasantly surprised. Get so bored with the self-righteous ‘there’s no excuse for an affair’ brigade . Life is complex, humans are complex and even good people have affairs. Hold on to that man BTW.

     
    • Benison O'Reilly June 27, 2012 Reply
       
       

      I mean your French husband, of course!

       
  11. Jenny June 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I have been there too, and all you say resonates for me. I had been married seven years, had two small children, and assumed my marriage to be fairly typical when I suddenly and without warning fell in love in a way I had never even imagined I could. And he did with me – a recipe for disaster if ever there was one! He was also married , with three young children, and like me in a marriage rather lacking in warmth and humor. However, I was aware that sharing our futures was not an option and I made this clear, since too much collateral damage would be done, so when our respective spouses became aware of the emotional connection it was time to make a complete split. This was excruciatingly painful, made more so by the fact that overt grieving was not possible – a brave and positive face had to be maintained at all costs! Unfortunately, not everyone is as generous as Olive; although my husband made it clear that he wanted me to stay, as soon as he was confident that I would he made my life miserable with accusations and blame-laying along with physical and psychological assaults which went on for year after year. Any conflict that arose regardless of what it was about would invariably wind up with a long diatribe about my appalling infidelity and my complete lack of decency and character. Had he been able to show some forbearance and a little patience, he would have gained my undying love and gratitude – as things were, he lost them forever although I have remained with him and am now his carer. This happened 45 years ago, and I can assure you Nanette, the love you felt for the man in your “affair” will always be with you, but in time the pain of loss does fade and just the warm memories remain. It’s a bit like the death of someone very close and dear, or so it was for me. Don’t get me wrong – I have never felt sorry for myself. I realize that I was the one who allowed it to happen, so it must be my responsibility.

     
  12. JoA June 29, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I applaud your honesty Nanette. I too have had feelings for another man during my marriage and also felt grief when it came time to ‘let go’. Another time another life maybe we would have had a real relationship but I chose to let it happen and then I had to choose to let it go. As stated before things aren’t always black and white (not happy the term shades of grey has been defiled). Usually its younger people who have the ‘cheating is always wrong’ stance and as we get older we find that there are degrees of like, love and hate. All situations should be assessed on merit but Jenny at no time would I stay with anyone who abused or behaved without respect to me. Staying and putting up with abuse because of your guilt did not do anyone any favors.

     
  13. Vanessa June 30, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I am also really impressed by the comments.

    I have been there. I was married with a small son. I was miserable in my marriage, but I didn’t realise it. I was just leading a stable, outwardly happy life and no one knew the truth – least of all me.

    And then I met a man and it was like a nuclear explosion.

    I had simply never realised it was possible to meet your best friend AND have a passionate, brilliant and remarkable physical relationship.

    I left my marriage very soon after the affair began. The ramifications were life-shaking, but if anything it really showed why I’d been so unhappy at home.

    That said, I think we have different kinds of relationships with different people and that you CAN be happily married and still be compelled to be with someone else.

    I remember the incredible chemical attraction I had to this man…and still do, six years on.

     
  14. Me June 30, 2012 Reply
     
     

    If you stand back and think about it, the sex act is weird. No wonder we often need powerful hormones to take part in it – and those hormones can block out everything else. I recall one of my early love affairs, thinking to myself (and being shocked) that i would probably do anything to have this man love me – rob a bank, kill my parents – ANYTHING! I don’t judge because i know what i might have been capable of. Its not called the Love Drug for nothing…

     
  15. Nothing shocks me June 30, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I fell in love with a married man a few years ago after I realised he fell in love with me. I’d never felt anything like it. The connection is magnetic and was apparent to close friends but still nothing physical has happened. It’s like a dance. My long-term relationship has ended, partly because I want to feel the way this man makes me feel and I realised the person I thought was my life partner is actually quite emotionally abusive. The other man is still in his marriage for professional reasons. It’s interesting to think what may happen in the future.

     
  16. peteepie July 14, 2012 Reply
     
     

    try reading “darkness falls from the air” by nigel balchin. and stick with olive.

     
  17. Pamela August 2, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I too appreciate your openness and honesty. I have fallen in love with a married man(long distance) and it has been a difficult time, but also filled with a lot of love and sharing. Not being able to talk about it with anyone else means that a lot of grief and emotion has to be bottled and hidden. Falling in love is not necessarily a choice.
    There is no possibility of being with this man, and so we sustain a warm and caring internet friendship as best we can.

    Noone can judge another because you dont know what lies around the corner!

     

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Comments

  • Coco: Hello Carol, thank you for the article. Reasons for going with the status quo can be multi-factorial and not invaria...

    Reply|Read all

  • Jenny: I bought Girl Stuff a few years ago for my granddaughters. They (and their Mum - my daughter) really enjoyed it, and fo...

    Reply|Read all

  • sue elliott: Carole I am not suggesting any such thing. I am suggesting that women are strong enough to stand up for themselves and t...

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  • ro.watson: How come there is a lot of that Latin about when someone dies? Vale (or is that Wally?!!) Hazel. R.I.P with a good send...

    Reply|Read all

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