THIS IS THE REAL WORK OF PARENTING
What makes you a “good” parent?
Watching Puberty Blues reminds me that “bad parenting” was all the go in the 70s. Getting whacked across the head; going beer runner for Dad; careening around without seatbelts; being allowed to wander after dark without a mobile phone.
How did we survive?
Perhaps one day our kids will look back at this generation of parents – on Twitter and Facebook 24/7, judging other parents – and wonder how they survived.
However, there is one aspect of parenting in which I am vitally interested – it involves mothers, fathers and entire families – and that’s how we ensure our children grow up to be useful.
Will they contribute to the wellbeing of their family, neighbourhoods and society? Will they participate to the best of their ability? At the very least, will our children understand that they have basic, human obligations to others and strive to fulfill them?
These are the life lessons my husband and I are trying to teach our children, just as our parents taught them to us. This is the real work of parenting. The stuff that comes after we’ve left the battlefield of the so-called “mummy wars”.
And it doesn’t come naturally.
I am reminded of this because of a thoughtful article I read recently in The New Yorker by Elizabeth Kolbert entitled: “Spoiled Rotten: Why do kids rule the roost?”
In it she writes of the life of a girl who lives with the Matsigenka, a tribe of some twelve thousand people who live in the Peruvian Amazon. The little one goes along with her family to gather leaves down river and having no real role to play but “asking for nothing”, sweeps the camp, fishes for crustaceans, cooks and serves to others in the party. She’s just six years old.
The author contrasts this with the new American tribe of “adultescents”. A generation of young people who are lazy, entitled and rude. Their parents have worked hard to give these kids the world and they, ironically, are the ones who ask for nothing back.
How did American parents come to be so “kiddie-whipped” asks Kolbert? Why do offspring who are so indulged feel no need to contribute in any way – right through until they are adults? Why aren’t they trained to assume responsibility?
Parents have only themselves to blame, she concludes.
They fear their kids will be damaged if they are frustrated, bored or told “no”. Parents seek the approval of their children, and have given them unprecedented authority.
“Letting things slide is always the easiest thing to do, in parenting no less than in banking, public education, and environmental protection,” she writes.
“A lack of discipline is apparent these days in just about every aspect of American society. Why this should be is a much larger question, one to ponder as we take out the garbage and tie our kids’ shoes.”
Never do for your children what they can do for themselves. That saying has always stayed with me, so why am I still making toast for a 14 year old?
I admit that, like a lot of mothers, I’m a soft touch for a pair of sad eyes and so I’m very grateful that my husband is the one who pushes and pushes our children.
I can only think that going to boarding school aged 11 has a lot to do with his resolve.
Example: Weekend before last was bloody cold in Sydney. Windy and overcast. The youngsters and their friends had been playing video games until after midnight.
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19 Responses to this article
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Debra August 27, 2012
I don’t always agreed with you Wendy, but on this one…..YOU ARE SPOT ON!!!!!!
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tess August 27, 2012
Well said, Wendy. I’ve been thinking about this lately after I found myself thinking about my child “you’re an ungrateful little s*#t.” Then realising it was because of the way I’d been raising them. How can they be extremely spoilt, then we expect them to appreciate it? The two don’t go together. Gotta stop spoiling so much and have more expectations of help from them.
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Alberta August 27, 2012
The sad thing about the lack of responsibility for their own actions and little awareness of consequences that I see in young children today is the idea that there will always be someone there to rescue them and fight their battles for them. I wonder what the life of these indulged children is going to be like when they get a taste of reality in the grown up world. Giving in to children is certainly the easy way out. Are these little princes and princesses going to feel the responsibility to care and assist their parents when they are elderly and need it?
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Kaz August 27, 2012
Totally agree, Wendy. I’m seeing a lot of wishy-washy parenting around. Maybe its a backlash against our own parents being too controlling and tough? Seems many of us have gone the other extreme, with kids dictating the rules and parents lives revolving around their kid’s schedules and what they will or won’t agree to.
Kids have to learn to take work with the play, boredom with the fun. Our job is to prepare them with life skills, foster their confidence in their OWN abilities.. Not shield them from the realities of life, death and everything in between. I’m certainly no “tiger mother” but I do feel many parents in our culture need to be willing to offer a bit more tough love and expecting more from their kids.
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cate August 27, 2012
Well said. I think as long as both parents are not too hard or too soft, there is a happy medium to be found in raising capable young adults. Sounds like you’ve discovered it.
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Mrs Pops August 27, 2012
Oh I so love that we are talking about this. The majority of my friends growing up had regular chores to do. Som egotism pocket money but not much. Today none of my friends kids do any chores because they have too many commitments (sport, music, dancing) and so need a rest. Meanwhile Mum is tired coz she never gets a night off. We took a good long look at why we were so tired and cut back on extra curricular activities and got our lives back! The kids picked up some chores and we have more together time. The bonus was when my son said he liked having spare time to play.
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Marnie August 27, 2012
Well said Kaz. Children are over protected. They have come to rely on their parents and/or the establishment being there to provide everything they want or need. Parents in the past have been able to say “No” because it wasn’t possible to say yes. There was not enough money or resources to do what their children wanted. Now there are plenty of jobs, two cars,ample income and parents feel guilty saying No.
I recall my then teenage daughter calling her father selfish for not giving her money to go out when he had just been paid. He told her he had earned it and it was his choice how he used to it. She said she was his kid so he ‘had to’ give her money. He told her “I gave you a life, I preserve that life by putting food on the table, a roof over your head and clothes on your back, I help you by educating you and I love you. That is all I owe you. The rest is up to you.” She’s never forgotten it and now says the same to her children when they start whining. -
Rosie August 27, 2012
We all want happy children and my dad always thought self reliance was the way to happiness. As a kid I did not agree but as a parent, now, I certainly do.
And if it is hard to say ‘no’ to your child try channelling Maria Von Trapp and singing it, much more fun and distracting! -
Christine August 27, 2012
Mmmmm. I ponder this question myself at times. I parent with one foot on one side of the fence and one foot on the other. I have 3 children and I have to have 3 different parenting styles. So, my advice, parent if the shoes fits!
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Tracy August 27, 2012
This definitely rang a bell with me, after having an unpleasant dinner with my 12 year old daughter, who is aggrieved that I won’t buy her an iPhone and a new Mac like ‘all’ her friends have. She says I dont understand her pain, and I wonder just how she came to be so spoilt. Thanks for some words of wisdom, I need to stand firm.
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Kerri Sackville August 27, 2012
Bloody awesome post. Really hit a chord with me.
WENDY FOR SUPERNANNY!!! -
Rhoda August 27, 2012
A family is one unit, a team. A child that doesn’t have chores to do, pets to feed, a bedroom to keep clean and tidy and so on – doesn’t make any contribution to the upkeep of the household – is never going to know satisfaction and the deep down feeling he/she counts and is appreciated.
Housework and all that is the flip side of family life. That some members should do all the work while the rest do their own thing is not the recommended way to motivate or teach responsibility.
A little enthusiasm, a positive attitude and the job is done. High fives all round.
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Serin August 27, 2012
I can’t believe that parents these days do not feel entitled to a life outside their kids- a social one I mean. I still think the Europeans leave us for dead they still get sitters and have a night out- not many people I know with kids (even mid teen age) leave them at home and go out. No wonder there are so many anxious children- not given responsibility and trust will make them co-dependent.
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Sha August 28, 2012
Yesterday, after a long day at work I came home to find that my teenagers had emptied the dishwasher, cooked dinner and then cleaned up…… I was so thrilled and proud of them (and myself). So parents keep pushing(or nagging as my kids call it), it is so worth it in the long run.
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Shiralee August 29, 2012
I have a 4 year old niece who comes to my house for sleepovers. she loves to help make the beds (badly) and do the dishes (badly). For her its helping and she gets to play games with me quicker.
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Rachael@Mogantosh August 29, 2012
Beautiful article Wendy,. That New Yorker piece resonated with me too. Why do we feel mean or guilty for forcing the kids to do what we know is the better thing for them? Because we want them simultaneously to be happy all the time! Rationally, I know this is a crock, but it is work to keep the big goal in mind. I have three under six and I love the notion of raising them to be ‘useful’.
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Sarah Galliford August 31, 2012
I loved reading this article! I’m currently working in the UK as a nanny for 3 very sweet, but incredibly spoiled and indulged children. Many of the mothers I have worked for try to use maternal guilt as a convenient excuse for lazy parenting. Do they somehow believe they are the first generation of parents to ever feel guilty? It has always been, and WILL always be a part of parenting, but too many parents these days just don’t seem to be unprepared for the fact that being a parent is a hard job, both physically and emotionally. We need to remember that the parents are supposed to be the grown-ups in this particular relationship, and if the grown-ups can’t manage their emotions, how can we ever expect the children to learn this. I saw a beautiful quote a few days ago, which said ‘after you’ve finished with them, the rest of the world has to live with them, so teach them respect’. I wish I could remember who said it!
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Kasey September 1, 2012
It’s a total backlash! I agree that this is causing our kids some serious problems. When I feel any sort of maternal guilt, I try to remember that my kids have a really good life, lots of love and everything they need in life. I compare the life we have to the life of some sections of the community – things can get pretty bad for kids in low socio-economic areas – and in third world countries. Those kids become stronger based on what they have to deal with in life. In spite of everything, they can find ways to smile. And I think, if we give “everything” of ourselves to our kids – buying them things all the time, running them around all week to sports/music lessons & letting them control our lives – I think we are doing them an injustice. The most humble adults I know had tough childhoods.
