HOOPLA HOROSCOPES. WEEK OF JUNE 28

Your weekly Hoopla Horoscopes, brought to you by prophet, astrologer and natural-born storyteller Rob Brezny.

Week beginning June 28, 2012

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Every 10,000 years or so, reports the Weekly World News, hell actually does freeze over. A rare storm brings a massive amount of snow and ice to the infernal regions, and even the Lake of Fire looks like a glacier. “Satan himself was seen wearing earmuffs and making a snowman,” the story says about the last time it happened. I foresee a hell-freezes-over type of event happening for you in the coming months, Cancerian — and I mean that in a good way. The seemingly impossible will become possible; what’s lost will be found and what’s bent will be made straight; the lion will lie down not only with the lamb but also with the sasquatch. For best results, be ready to shed your expectations at a moment’s notice.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “In purely spiritual matters, God grants all desires,” said philosopher and activist Simone Weil. “Those who have less have asked for less.” I think this is a worthy hypothesis for you to try out in the next nine months, Leo. To be clear: It doesn’t necessarily mean you will get a dream job and perfect lover and ten million dollars. (Although I’m not ruling that out.) What it does suggest is this: You can have any relationship with the Divine Wow that you dare to imagine; you can get all the grace you need to understand why your life is the way it is; you can make tremendous progress as you do the life-long work of liberating yourself from your suffering.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A plain old ordinary leap of faith might not be ambitious enough for you in the coming months, Virgo. I suspect your potential is more robust than that, more primed for audacity. How would you feel about attempting a quantum leap of faith? Here’s what I mean by that: a soaring pirouette that sends you flying over the nagging obstacle and up onto higher ground, where the views are breathtakingly vast instead of gruntingly half-vast.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “The dream which is not fed with dream disappears,” said writer Antonio Porchia. Ain’t that the truth! Especially for you right now. These last few months, you’ve been pretty good at attending to the details of your big dreams. You’ve taken the practical approach and done the hard work. But beginning any moment, it will be time for you to refresh your big dreams with an infusion of fantasies and brainstorms. You need to return to the source of your excitement and feed it and feed it and feed it.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A Chinese businessman named Hu Xilin is the champion fly-killer of the world. Ever since one of the buzzing pests offended him at the dinner table back in 1997, he has made it his mission to fight back. He says he has exterminated more than ten million of the enemy with his patented “Fly Slayer” machine. And oh by the way, his obsession has made him a millionaire. It’s possible, Scorpio, that your story during the second half of 2012 will have elements in common with Hu Xilin’s. Is there any bad influence you could work to minimize or undo in such a way that it might ultimately earn you perks and prizes — or at least deep satisfaction?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): From the 14th through the 18th centuries, many towns in England observed a curious custom. If a couple could prove that they had gone a year and a day without ever once being sorry they got married, the two of them would receive an award: a side of cured pork, known as a flitch of bacon. Alas, the prize was rarely claimed. If this practice were still in effect, you Sagittarians would have an elevated chance of bringing home the bacon in the coming months. Your ability to create harmony and mutual respect in an intimate relationship will be much higher than usual.