If you are a mother, shame on you.
You are doing everything wrong. Probably deliberately. You only have to read the newspapers, or Twitter, or Facebook or the comments at the bottom of articles to realise that mothers are the worst people in the world.
And not only are they the worst people in the world but they refuse to apologise for it.
It’s that kind of shamelessly irresponsible behaviour that makes these lady breeders such a blight on our society.
Here are just a few of the ways that you (yes, you) are ruining Australia:
Not breastfeeding your kids
Formula-fed children grow up to look like Timmy from A Christmas Carol. Their limbs are stunted, their lungs are shrivelled and they catch face cancer if they wear natural fibres. They are rheumy-eyed weaklings who are destined to a life of nothing but murmuring incoherently from the confines of their iron lungs.
Breastfeeding your kids
Breastfed children subconsciously retain the image of suckling on the end of their mother’s boob for the rest of their life. Their brains are pocked with the lustful memories of the brazen hussy who forced her femaleness upon them. This is how serial killers are formed. There should be a national register of breastfeeders so we know where Australia’s future sex pervs are hiding. If you insist on using your filthy funbags to feed your kids, at least do it somewhere appropriate. Breasts should be saved for porn and the Lingerie Football League and I don’t want to see you abusing your child (and my eyes) at the bus stop. Get thee to a rotary dairy, woman!
You put your kids in childcare
We all know this one: “We can’t afford to eat, so I have to go back to work”. Obviously that’s a lie. No-one uses childcare because they can’t afford food, they use it so they can earn more money to buy designer clothes, BMWs and Frappuccinos. And don’t give me that rot about childcare teaching kids how to socialise. ‘Socialise’ is very close to ‘Socialist’ which basically means Communist. While you laze around a pool getting drunk and doing heroin, (that is what ‘working mothers’ really do all day) your kids are being brain-washed by so-called ‘childcare providers’. Childcare is a Communist Plot. When your little Maos grow up, they will move to North Korea, start a nuclear war and kill us all.
You are a stay-at-home mother
Don’t you love Australia? We’re in the middle of THE DEPRESSION and you are sitting at home all day, dangling your toes in a foot spa and watching Dr Phil while the rest of us are working. It’s one thing to be a woman with no ambition but really, refusing to be a Super Mum is just pathetic.
Stay-at-home mums are an embarrassment. Who are you to decide that being a mum is valid work? Pfft. You know what real work is? Having the nerve to point out what a loser you are.
What can I say? You did it on purpose to get the Baby Bonus. Your kid is probably living in a cage while you watch your brand new flatscreen TV and get bikies’ names tattooed on your groin.
Marriage is a form of subjugation – you are a traitor to the women’s movement and a terrible role model. Your girl children will grow up to become strippers.
Living in a de facto relationship
You are a godless whore who will be buried on unconsecrated ground. Your children are The Unclean and if they attempt to cross the threshold of a church, they’ll catch on fire. This is because they are vampires.
Your kids are too fat to be swimsuit models
If you have a three-year-old boy and he doesn’t have the physique of Chris Smith, you are terrible mother. In fact, you are a child abuser. You can tell us it’s genetic, that it’s puppy fat, that your child is medically perfectly healthy, none of that matters. If you don’t have the good sense to call your children fatty-fatty-boombahs and force them to develop eating disorders by belittling them, we’ll do it for you. That’s what the internet is for.
Your kids are happy, healthy and have a government-approved BMI
Ugh. You make me sick. You obviously brought up flawless brats just to rub it in our faces. You have no right to have an opinion on anything because your life is too easy. Brace yourself for some righteous Facebook rage, Princess Perfect.
So, now you know what you’re doing wrong, how can you do things right?
You can’t, der brain!
What are you? Stupid? You’re a mother. You will always be wrong. The only way you can fix this is to become a father. And you can’t do that, because your kids already have a father, and if they have two fathers, their limbs will fall off and they will grow monkey tails.
But not all hope is lost. The secret to getting away with it is to sit online all day abusing other women.
No-one is going to know if you breastfeed or not, so rip into everybody. There’s no ASIO agent spying on you to find out whether you’re using childcare, so what’s to stop you abusing both sides? And if you’ve got fat kids, just Photoshop them thin before whacking their photos up on Facebook – then internet-stalk other mothers and call their kids names. With any luck, the abuse you heap on the mothers will get back to their little tub-o-lards and shame them into wiping the smiles of their hopeful, chubby faces. Take that, fatsos!
The best mothering involves criticising other women and their offspring.
But it won’t work unless your kids are watching you do it. You need to lead by example and make sure your precious little wide-eyed bubbas grow up to be just as mean-spirited, narrow-minded and judgemental as you.
After all, that’s the only thing we haven’t yet called child abuse.
*Corinne Grant is a stand-up comedian, MC, presenter, writer and broadcaster and has performed both nationally and internationally. In addition to her years on Rove Live and The Glasshouse, she has appeared on everything from Spicks and Specks to Dancing With The Stars to Good News Week. She has co-hosted successful national radio shows, performed countless solo live shows and appeared everywhere from the Sydney Opera House to the Kalgoorlie Arts Centre.
Corinne’s first book, Lessons In Letting Go: Confessions of a Hoarder (Allen and Unwin) was released in September 2010 and went into reprint just months after its release.
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